VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

PATTY JENKINS ARREST WARRANT ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.

Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One

With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.

Mob Mentality

Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.

A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

Blunder Woman

A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’

More On This Story As It Breaks

GASPAR NOE DIRECTING ROADRUNNER: THE MOVIE

Warner Brothers surprised everyone today with Argentinian director Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner: The Movie. With Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner, audiences can expect the unexpected. The Exec caught up with the director to discuss this surprise undertaking.


Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? How did that come about?

 


Is it a surprise? Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? Warners have decided they’re going to try and make darker, grittier cartoon adaptations. They figured that it worked for Nolan and Batman, so why not with Roadrunner and Bugs Bunny? And it seems like an obvious choice for me. It’s the next stage in my evolution as a visual artist.

 


But how does Gaspar Noe go from making Climax for Netflix to directing Roadrunner, a Warner Bros cartoon?

 


Well, as you know with many of my previous films, I have been fascinated with the body, all things physical, biological. The ‘sturm und strang’ of it all as one body struggles to survive against the will of another. In this case, how can the Roadrunner survive against the efforts of Mr Wile. E. Coyote and his attempts to kill the Roadrunner? It is one of the great questions.

 


Any news on casting yet?

 


I can’t possibly comment on that. But, let’s just say I have just shot footage of Vincent Cassell opening a box of ACME Rocket Powered roller-skates. Also he’s the only actor I know who can stand on the edge of a cliff as the main part of the cliff falls into a canyon below. He can then remain in mid-air long enough to pull out a white flag and wave it pitifully, before plummeting to the ground in a comedic puff of dust way below. The man is a comic genius.

Will there be any other contraptions from ACME?

 


Oh yeah, sure, sure. There’ll be the usual box of dynamite rockets, giant magnets and paint-on holes in the wall to run through, as well as some other surprises.

 

Such as?

 


I can’t tell you that! Ok, just one. As a little Easter egg for all my wonderful fans out there, I have an ACME weapon that is a little nod to a rather violent scene in Irreversible. Mr. Wile. E. Coyote will use a pneumatic fire extinguisher. Needless to say it all goes horrifically wrong for him and it is poor Vincent’s face that gets pounded into a bloody pulp in graphically disturbing detail over and over again. The kiddies will love it!

 


ROADRUNNER: THE MOVIE IS RELEASED NEXT SUMMER

TIM BURTON’S ROALD DAHL-NIVERSE ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros have announced the creation of Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse.

Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse will build a whole cinematic universe where all of the author’s beloved characters will live. The Exec caught up with Warner’s Creative Executive Vice President, Gillian Gekko who told us more.

Gillian, can you tell us more about Tim’s vision for this cinematic universe?

Sure, Miles. But let me just say what a lovely bungalow you have here.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Look, sweety. I’m gonna level with you. I’m gonna need a line or two, before I can talk about this. Do you mind?

No, not at all. Be my guest.

You’re a treasure. Just one shake of a lambs tail and *SNORTS*. FUCKIN BOO YA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. OH MERCY. Right. Let’s do this. So we’ve given Tim Burton a fuck ton load of money to make this shit ship sail. First off, he’s making a prequel to Danny The Champion Of The World. It’s basically gonna be a 2 hour porno where Danny gets conceived. Michael Fassbender is playing his father, William. Because, you know, that boy got game. You know what I mean. He’s calling it Willy, Champion Of Rockin’ The World.

Oh my.

I shit you not. Then Tim’s exec producing The Fuck Wits. It’s a prequel to The Twits. Think Natural Born Killers meets Dumb and Dumber. It’s going to be directed by Lars Von Trier. A real exploitation kill-fest of a road movie. Then to end phase one, Asia Argento is directing The School Of Witches, the prequel to The Witches. It’ll take place in a European Witches’ finishing school, where someone keeps bumping off young witches.

They sounds quite… ambitious.

Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe the amount of acid Burton gets through when he’s writing. It’s insane. Puts me to shame, and I’ve outlasted all the big hitters, Led Zep, The Stones, Frank Bough and Betty White. But him? Sheesh. Where do you think the phrase ‘Gone for a Burton’ comes from? He can hoover up anything. Is that picture hung straight? I don’t think it is. Let me straighten it for you. Have you got a spirit level? Do you wanna do some meth?

Um, Gillian, thank you for your time.

The Roald Dahl-niverse launches shortly.