Another day, another Ezra Miller story dominates the Hollywood news sites. Finally, the Warner Bros board meet to discuss the fate of their ailing DC tentpole movie, The Flash. The Studio Exec has the inside scoop on what went on behind the closed boardroom doors.
Warner Bros Board Meet To Discuss The Flash
At a secret location in Griffith Park, suspiciously close to Los Angeles Zoo, the Warner Bros Board meet to discuss the fate of The Flash. The finest bananas money could buy were shipped in especially. And with some of the world’s most prominent designers of tyre swings and tricycles on retainer at the Hollywood studio, rumors of an emergency board meeting were rife in Tinsel town.
Warner Bros Quit Monkeying Around
Some of the studio’s most powerful Simians were there. CEO and King Of The Swingers, King Louie chaired the meeting. CFO and disturbingly blonde Dr. Zaius from the original Planet Of The Apes talked at length about risk aversion, tax write-offs and strategies for reducing net losses. His strategies didn’t appear that popular amongst the majority of the board, who threw their shit at him.
Right Turn Clyde
Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose proposed a motion to blow raspberries and give everyone the finger while eating Ma’s Oreo cookies. And King Kong wanted the whole operation moved to The Empire State Building in Manhattan for some reason.
My God, It’s Full Of Assholes
At one point, the board nearly came to a decision as to what the hell they’re going to do with The Flash and particularly the Ezra Miller situation. Unfortunately, before a vote could be taken, King Louie stole a banana from 2001: A Space Odyssey’s Moonwatcher. The Stanley Kubrick missing link sci-fi star beat the shit out of the beloved Jungle Book Orangutan with a bone. The board then agreed to reconvene at another time, once they’ve all finished picking and grubs from each other’s backs.
The Flash Is Still Set To Be Released in 2023
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.
Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.
In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.
The Crushing Of HBO MAX
The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.
Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore
Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.
Hasta La Vista, Disney
Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.
HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.
MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?
Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?
That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].
Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?
What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.
Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?
I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.
And What About You With HBO Max?
Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.
Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.
Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].
Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.
Warner Brothers surprised everyone today with Argentinian director Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner: The Movie. With Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner, audiences can expect the unexpected. The Exec caught up with the director to discuss this surprise undertaking.
Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? How did that come about?
Is it a surprise? Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? Warners have decided they’re going to try and make darker, grittier cartoon adaptations. They figured that it worked for Nolan and Batman, so why not with Roadrunner and Bugs Bunny? And it seems like an obvious choice for me. It’s the next stage in my evolution as a visual artist.
But how does Gaspar Noe go from making Climax for Netflix to directing Roadrunner, a Warner Bros cartoon?
Well, as you know with many of my previous films, I have been fascinated with the body, all things physical, biological. The ‘sturm und strang’ of it all as one body struggles to survive against the will of another. In this case, how can the Roadrunner survive against the efforts of Mr Wile. E. Coyote and his attempts to kill the Roadrunner? It is one of the great questions.
Any news on casting yet?
I can’t possibly comment on that. But, let’s just say I have just shot footage of Vincent Cassell opening a box of ACME Rocket Powered roller-skates. Also he’s the only actor I know who can stand on the edge of a cliff as the main part of the cliff falls into a canyon below. He can then remain in mid-air long enough to pull out a white flag and wave it pitifully, before plummeting to the ground in a comedic puff of dust way below. The man is a comic genius.
Will there be any other contraptions from ACME?
Oh yeah, sure, sure. There’ll be the usual box of dynamite rockets, giant magnets and paint-on holes in the wall to run through, as well as some other surprises.
I can’t tell you that! Ok, just one. As a little Easter egg for all my wonderful fans out there, I have an ACME weapon that is a little nod to a rather violent scene in Irreversible. Mr. Wile. E. Coyote will use a pneumatic fire extinguisher. Needless to say it all goes horrifically wrong for him and it is poor Vincent’s face that gets pounded into a bloody pulp in graphically disturbing detail over and over again. The kiddies will love it!
ROADRUNNER: THE MOVIE IS RELEASED NEXT SUMMER
HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.
Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:
So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.
Yes, we heard.
It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.
You’re going to protest?
You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.
Who are Mickey and Spike?
Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!
Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…
And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!
I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.
I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…
And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.
Jenga The Movie is coming soon.
PREDATOR TO REPLACE HENRY CAVILL AS SUPERMAN
The Man of Steel gets a new actor as Henry Cavill flies off and the Predator steps in.
Warner Bros have announced that the new Superman will be the Predator in a crossover that many fans are hailing as ‘inspired’, ‘genius’ and ‘dumb’. A spokesperson for the studio said:
“It’s amazing because it fits so neatly. They both come from space. They both have superpowers and then there’s the romantic interest which Predator hasn’t really had an opportunity to explore yet. Predator is a super action star but he never got the chance to truly explore his range. He can do comedy, easily. And what with the origami face, he’s so flexible.”
Predator himself told Hollywood Reporter:
“Well, obviously I’m thrilled. Finally, I get to really show people what I’ve got and it’s not just hunting humans and fighting xenomorphs. I’ve already done ‘v’ films so we also have that in common. I’m also writing a novel.”
Superman v Alien will be released in 2020.
HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.
The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:
MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.
This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Neo takes the blue pill.
Copyright 2017 Warner Bros.
For more Script Leaks, Click Here.
HOLLYWOOD – Eddie Redmayne is to play Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter prequel Dumbledore Begins.
Warner Bros made the announcement late Monday and said the film will be released in 3D and Imax on November 18, 2016. J.K. Rowling will write the screenplay and Potter regular David Yates will direct. The official synopsis reads:
Albus Dumbledore is a young teacher, full of ambition and hope. But his ideals are tested when he is sent to a remote boarding school where problem children have been sent. Here he finds himself up against a repressed and restrictive regime as well as damaged children who really don’t know what they want. However, Albus is not to be daunted and by getting the students to stand on their desks, refer to him ‘Captain, my Captain!’ and watch an old VHS of Dead Poet’s Society, while he agrees loudly in the background, he is able to transform their lives as well as coaching the local Quidditch team to take them all the way through to the Regionals! Dumbledore Begins is an uplifting drama that fully explores the meaning of learning and growing in a world of magic and fear.
Dumbledore Begins will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Gosling’s Lost River is to be distributed via the McDonald’s fast food chain with the purchase of a Happy Meal.
The movie, which stars Christina Hendricks, Iain De Caestecker and Eva Mendes, debuted at Cannes to widespread critical disdain. The Studio Exec saw it there and has to say it wasn’t that bad. Just David Lynch for people who haven’t seen David Lynch and like music videos.
However, the studio Warner Bros have decided not to risk a critical and commercial shellacking and instead have collaborated with McDonald’s to create an alternative method of distribution. Anyone buying a Happy Meal will receive a DVD and free digital download of the film. A spokesperson for the company said:
We are delighted to offer Ryan Gosling a platform to realize his vision and bring it to a broader public. Everyone loves Ryan Gosling. He’s so adorable. I could just watch him all day. I don’t even care if the film is crap, like Gangster Squad.
But he isn’t in the film?
No, he’s the director. And to be honest it isn’t exactly suitable for kids.
It’s not? Are you sure?
No, it’s quite gruesome.
Oh. But then again so are our Happy Meals! Ha ha ha! No actually don’t print that. I’ll do it again. Perhaps we should have watched it. Jeez Louise, what have I gone and done now? Well, hey ho, as we say at McDonald’s.
Lost River is freely available from all participating outlets.
HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender’s member will get its own stand alone movie, according to an insider at Warner Bros.
The Irish/German star is currently in talks with director Werner Herzog for what he calls a male reworking of the Vagina Monologues:
It will be fantastic. For many years I have been talking with Michael about doing a movie with him, but I was really only concerned with finding a large enough part for his large part. Then the idea of rewriting Eve Ensler’s iconic play came up and I thought he would be perfect in the piece, or at least some of him would be.
But aren’t The Vagina Monologues a feminist classic?
I believe so, and our film, I’m afraid, will not pass the Bechdel test. No, not by a long stretch. However, it is just this kind of radical reversal which will make for fascinating viewing. And Michael is such a versatile actor I’m sure that if I asked him to do a vagina as well, he would be more than capable.
And how does Michael feel about the project?
At first he was intimidated by the idea. He felt that his willy would not be enough to hold the audience’s attention for the full two hours of the feature film, even though it could be argued he’d managed already with Shame. But what really decided him was he caught The Counselor on television the other day and said he’d made a film that was complete cock by accident, he might as well make one on purpose.
The Penis Monologues will be released in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement by Disney that they are to shoot a live action Jungle Book next year – directed by Andy Sirkis and Warner Bros that they will follow it in 2016 with The Jungle Book: Origins, Sony have announced a further take on the much loved Rudyard Kipling novel: The Amazing Jungle Book. Continue reading “3 JUNGLE BOOKS TO BE RELEASED”
HOLLYWOOD – Los Angeles Judge Deborah Fisherton said on Monday that she was inclined to dismiss the lawsuit against Warner Bros. for copyright infringement on its baseball comedy Trouble with the Curve because she ‘didn’t fancy watching the film’.
The Federal judge has now dismissed the case.
She further commented in a ten page memorandum:
Usually I like Clint Eastwood films, but this one just doesn’t grab me. You know, baseball comedy? I liked Money Ball but wasn’t that more the exception that proves the rule? And Justin Timberlake? I mean really?
The defendant’s cross motion RE similarity was granted and the plaintiff’s motion RE continuance was denied, and the plaintiff and defendants’ joint cross motion for similar discontinuance ruled inadmissible because it just simply doesn’t make any sense and perhaps they just got the words mixed up.
The ruling was greeted with joy by a Warner Bros. spokesperson, who was allowed under a little used penalty clause to hold the plaintiff’s arm and repeatedly flap it into the plaintiff’s face while shrieking ‘Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.’
Trouble with the Curve will have been wiped from the face of collective memory sometime in 2015.
JK ROWLING steps out of the airport to be greeted by her driver.
What’s that smell? It’s … it’s…
Ah yes. Jasmine.
INT. STUDIO. JACK WARNER’S OFFICE
JACK WARNER sits at a desk anachronistically.
Ms. Rowling. I love your Harry Potter books. We want to pay millions of dollars to turn them all into multi-million dollar blockbusters.
NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen.
Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.
‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed. ‘I’ve had the Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’
Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’
The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided.
Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.