THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW – Jupiter Ascending – directed by the bafflingly employed Wachowksis – is a film that aspires to the grandiose adventure, excitement, well written dialogue, fully fledged characters and kinetic direction of Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones. And fails.

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter ‘Ascending’ Jones daughter of an astronomer who is shot by Russian gangsters. Don’t worry, that he is an astronomer doesn’t matter nor that he is shot by Russian… who are they anyway? Gangsters? Burglars? Again don’t worry that’s just random event number one in what is going to be a tiring journey through the plot equivalent of chaos theory. Jupiter cleans toilets and her mother – originally a mathematician we are told, has now become a drudge and her Russian family have happily become semi-racist stereotypes. She’s not happy cleaning toilets and has decided to raise money selling her ovaries so that she can buy a golden telescope because her father was an astronomer – oh so it is important, an astronomer by the way who spends his time peering through the telescope in the middle of a city or in the living room. But don’t worry by random chance all her DNA is exactly the same of the old Queen of the Universe and so she is now hunted by the Queen’s children – including silly Eddie Redmayne – to be variously exploited and/or killed. To the rescue comes Channing Tatum as Teen Wolf/Albino/ pixie/Birdman/Starlight Express wannabe. Although not to the rescue because he’s working for one of the siblings. Oh and bees love her, or at least don’t sting her, which you have to say, as a perk for being Queen of the Universe, is pretty modest.

Do you remember that idea of the room full of monkeys with typewriters and infinity typing the complete works of Shakespeare? Well, this is the first draft. It’s nods to other films – Brazil, The Fifth Element, Blade Runner and Attack of the Clones – only make you wish you were watching other films. Yes, even Attack of the Clones. The dialogue is cloth-eared; the humor flat; the characters motivated by stunning dumbness. Jupiter makes you realize how fantastic a character Katniss Everdeen is. Where The Hunger Games is about a young girl becoming a rebel and a fighter, Jupiter is wetter than Dale Arden, endlessly rescued from her own stupid decisions. It’s as if  the Wachowskis are hell bent on giving young women a role model of domestic acquiescence who in the end learns to get up early and clean toilets cheerfully.

When Warner Bros. denied they were burying Jupiter Ascending in February (from a Summer Blockbuster spot), no one really believed them. It’s only a pity they couldn’t have literally buried the film somewhere where it wouldn’t have been found.

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THE WACHOWSKIS ‘STILL ALLOWED TO MAKE FILMS’

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was shocked today to learn the Wachowski siblings were still permitted to direct films. 

Following the disasters of Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, many had believed that there would be some kind of legal mechanism which would keep Lena and Andy Wachowski as far as possible from a director’s chair and camera as humanly possible, tying them up and putting them in some kind of cage if necessary.
However, the Studio Exec has it on good authority that alongside a sequel to Cloud Atlas currently being prepped, the Wachowskis also have a film which will be released in July. Jupiter Ascending is described as a sequel to Space Nugget 3D, the Dan Harmon film which will open Cannes this year.

Lana Wachowski telephoned in the early hours of the morning to tell us more:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones, a janitor with a genetic secret that she is actually the future leader of the universe. Channing Tatum is a guy sent back to rescue and protect her.

How does it connect to Space Nugget 3D?

Space Nugget 3D exists in the same universe, but the stories are very different. We are hoping to put in some in-jokes for those Nugget-heads who are in the know, but it won’t be necessary to have seen Space Nugget 3D in order to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, although knowing Dan Harmon’s work I would advise everyone to go and see it anyway.

How do you respond to those who believe your work is an abomination and you shouldn’t be allowed to make any more films?

Oh they’re absolutely right. But as long as someone gives us the money we’re going to carry on. Ha ha ha. Ha.

Jupiter Jones will be released in July, 2015.