THE WACHOWSKIS ‘STILL ALLOWED TO MAKE FILMS’

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was shocked today to learn the Wachowski siblings were still permitted to direct films. 

Following the disasters of Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, many had believed that there would be some kind of legal mechanism which would keep Lena and Andy Wachowski as far as possible from a director’s chair and camera as humanly possible, tying them up and putting them in some kind of cage if necessary.
However, the Studio Exec has it on good authority that alongside a sequel to Cloud Atlas currently being prepped, the Wachowskis also have a film which will be released in July. Jupiter Ascending is described as a sequel to Space Nugget 3D, the Dan Harmon film which will open Cannes this year.

Lana Wachowski telephoned in the early hours of the morning to tell us more:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones, a janitor with a genetic secret that she is actually the future leader of the universe. Channing Tatum is a guy sent back to rescue and protect her.

How does it connect to Space Nugget 3D?

Space Nugget 3D exists in the same universe, but the stories are very different. We are hoping to put in some in-jokes for those Nugget-heads who are in the know, but it won’t be necessary to have seen Space Nugget 3D in order to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, although knowing Dan Harmon’s work I would advise everyone to go and see it anyway.

How do you respond to those who believe your work is an abomination and you shouldn’t be allowed to make any more films?

Oh they’re absolutely right. But as long as someone gives us the money we’re going to carry on. Ha ha ha. Ha.

Jupiter Jones will be released in July, 2015.

WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING

HOLLYWOOD – Having pushed the release date of the new Wachowski Siblings feature Jupiter Ascending seven months from July to February, 2015, Warner Bros announced today that it had never heard of the Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum Science Fiction action film.

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CLOUD ATLAS 2 ‘WON’T MAKE ANY SENSE EITHER’

BERLIN – Following on from the massive commercial and critical success of Cloud Atlas a sequel was almost inevitable and so it has proved with the Wachowski siblings and Tom Twyker announcing their follow up Cloud Dictionary to be filmed in 68 different countries over a time span of 5 million years and featuring Tom Hanks in 28 different roles.

Lana Wachowski – credited by many as the brains behind Speed Racer – outlined their plans for the film:

With the original film we were constrained by David Mitchell’s novel which although experimental in structure and broad in scope didn’t really allow for the revolutionary view of cinema we have in mind. With Cloud Dictionary, we look forward to making the intertwining narratives more numerous and the make up less and less realistic.   

Tom Twyker added that ‘the music will once more be the best thing in it. And is really the only reason I agreed to do the film.’ 

Tom Hanks will again star, as will Halle Berry and Hugo Weaving both of whom issued statements saying they’ve been finding it difficult to get work lately. Ben Wishaw however will not reprise his role(s) due to a prior commitment ‘to be in good films.’ 

Cloud Dictionary is due for release in 2015. 

THE WACHOWSKIS TO REMAKE THE FAMOUS FIVE

DORSET – Creators of the Matrix trilogy Andy and Lana Wachowski have signed up to direct an updated version of Enid Blyton’s beloved adventure series The Famous Five.

‘They were our favourite children’s books,’ said a caffeinated Lana.

In many ways everything we have ever written has been inspired by Blyton. There are shades of Uncle Quentin in Morpheus and obvious similarities between our lesbian bondage film Bound and the novel Five go to Billycock Hill. In fact we borrowed so much, we sent a copy of the movie to the Blyton Estate to ask if we should give Enid a writing credit but they never got back to us.

Set in the British county of Dorset during the 1940s, the quintessentially middle class tales of George, Julian, Dick, Anne and Timmy the Dog sold millions of copies up until the 1990s when their popularity began to wane.

It’s understandable that many modern children think the books are twee and old fashioned, [said Andy.] So we’ve taken the basic ingredients and updated them. Kirren Island is now Kirren X, a small planet just beyond the fringes of our solar system. Only the Famous Five, who all have telepathic powers and superhuman strength, know this planet exists and during the school holidays they travel to Kirren in their ginger beer fuelled space buggy in search of adventure. It’s kind of a  futuristic sci-fi version but we’ve retained the spirit of the novels so expect the odd racist reference to blacks and gypsies and an overt disdain of the working classes.

Asked who they had in mind for the coveted roles Lana revealed they have already cast the main characters.

We originally wanted Eddie Murphy to play every role and he was keen to do it  but then somebody pointed out that Murphy was a 52 year old black man and why didn’t we just hire 4 young white actors and a Labrador. It took us time to change our mind set but eventually we brought in Jason Segel, Chris Pratt, Emily Blunt and Katherine Heigl.

The Famous Five is due for release in 2015.

 

JUDE LAW’S SECRET CLOUD ATLAS ROLE

TORONTO – Anticipation gave way to bafflement when the hugely ambitious Cloud Atlas showed at Toronto earlier in September, but it still has some surprises left including a secret performance by ‘actor’ Jude Law.

The multi-narrative epic spans centuries and genres from nineteenth century period drama to modern day thrillers and finally science fiction craziness. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play multiple characters who even change race as they fit into each segment but one surprise has been left until last and that is the inclusion of Jude Law. He isn’t on the cast list, or the credit roll, but all the same Mr Law is on screen and – like Hanks and Berry – he too plays more than one role, but you can be forgiven for missing him.

 His performance is being acclaimed as a career best, but the humble Mr. Law shrugs it off. ‘I’m just playing myself,’ the Alfie star demurs. ‘It was easy.’

Cloud Atlas 2 is due for release in 2016