KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

BELA TARR TO DIRECT MTV’S VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Famed Hungarian film director Bela Tarr will be directing the MTV Video Music Awards at the end of August.

The director of The Werkmeister Harmonies and The Turin Horse Bela Tarr was chosen personally by presenter Miley Cyrus to bring quality to the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony.

Miley Cyrus spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve always liked working with challenging artists. Terry Richardson, Pharrell Williams, Billy Ray Cyrus! And now I get the opportunity to work with one of the best. I’ve loved Bela Tarr’s work ever since Santanango. It was a film that spoke to me the way no other 6 hour epic about life in a small Hungarian village has.

Bela Tarr himself was effusive about the opportunity:

I love music and I have always thought that music videos came as a kind of inspiration to me as an artist. That one that Dire Straits did for Money for Nothing? Amazing! Anything by Rihanna.

How will you approach the awards?

The whole thing I’m filming in austere black and white. I will have a narration in Hungarian (naturally) quoting Rilke, Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. The whole show will be one uninterrupted take.

What about commercial breaks?

UNINTERRUPTED I said! There will be no commercial breaks because there are no commercial breaks in life. At the end the audience will have the impression that they have just watched God die of some disease that involves a lot of coughing.

The MTV Video Music Awards will be broadcast later this month.  

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS

MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.

Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.

So what did you do?

Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.

How so?

Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of  sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.

And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?

At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.

However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’

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TAYLOR SWIFT SONG LINKED TO RISE IN GANG VIOLENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The release of a new Taylor Swift song ‘Shake it Off!’ has been linked to a sharp peak in gang violence this weekend.

Commentators have pinned the blame on the songstress and VMA winner for a number of drive bys and shootings and police have issued a warning to the singer, asking her to refrain from music ‘if at all possible’.

Cultural commentator and sociologist Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

I don’t know what it is about Ms. Swift’s sound, but the moment a new record of hers hits the ‘streets’ the next sound heard is the unloading of Uzis and Glocks and the screaming and crying of the wounded and dying. It could be that she speaks to the black experience like no other, because she herself is not black; is in fact as white as it is possible to be. Maybe it’s because her heart rending vulnerability adds tenderness to what is otherwise a brutal existence. As she sings, ‘players gonna play play play play, haters gonna hate hate hate hate’.

What has made Shake It Off a particularly incendiary mix is the music video which accompanies the song and has the country singer dressed as a gang member amidst twerking dancers.

Spike Lee didn’t watch the video and so was immediately available for comment:

It’s an obviously insulting appropriation of black culture for racist ends. What is so disgusting though is that so many brothers love the Swift and are willing to go to war with rival gangs whenever she has a song out.

When Kanye West interrupted her acceptance speech at the VMAs in 2009, LA exploded in rioting and Kanye West’s home and record company was burned to the ground.

Hopefully this year’s VMAs will pass without incident, but chances are more than a few gunshot victims won’t be able to ‘shake it off’!