OLIVER STONE OVERDOSES ON CONSPIRACY

HOLLYWOOD – Oliver Stone rushed to hospital with a suspected overdose of conspiracy.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone was rushed to hospital last night following a suspected conspiracy overdose. Fortunately this morning he was well enough to talk to the Studio Exec via one of those voice scramblers serial killers use when they taunt the police:

Hey Exec! How’s it going?

Good. How are you Oliver?

I’ve been better. This is a dark period for me. Trump is in the White House. Hillary Clinton is in the woods. The FBI and the NSA are testifying in a hearing. The chairman of the hearing is running round to the White House to tell the President what’s going on. Thereby sabotaging his own hearing. It’s dark times indeed.

Is it as bad as when you directed Alexander?

Let’s not go over the top. It’s bad but nothing can compare to Colin Farrell in a tunic.

So what happened?

As you know I’ve been someone who has been interested in secret machinations of power all my life. Whether it’s Nixon or JFK, or producing my Secret History of the USA documentary. But this stuff is the good stuff. I’ve never mainlined something so pure before. You have Russians, Wikileaks, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And I haven’t mentioned Jeff Sessions and Michael Flynn. Or the Christopher Steele dossier or the fact that the Russians mentioned have started dropping like flies. Flies that have been shot and poisoned. Goddamn this stuff is powerful.

Are you going to make a film about it?

I’d love to, but who will believe it. I mean, we’re watching it unfold right now in front of our eyes and we don’t believe. I guess you could just watched Natural Born Killers again. That pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t know. The doctors have prescribed that I watch nothing but Sesame Street for a year.

But Trump’s budget is going to cancel that.

Motherfucker!

Oliver Stone’s Secret History of the United States of America Volume Ten Trumped Up will be released in 2018.

MADS MIKKELSEN TO PLAY VLADIMIR PUTIN

HOLLYWOOD – Mads Mikkelsen plays Vladimir Putin in a new biopic of the Russian leader.

Nicolas Winding Refn confirmed that he had found his Putin. Refn regular Mads Mikkelsen is to take the role in the new movie Vlad the Impaler. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the Hannibal star had this to say:

I love working with Nicolas so I read any script he sends me. This one looks like a home run. We trace the life of the Russian leader from when he was a naive young KGB man to the giddy heights of power. And yes, we detail the relationships that have mattered most to him. Yeltsin, Gorbachev and Trump. We go there. And you know Nicolas, it gets pretty extreme.

Like Only God Forgives?

And Valhalla Rising too.

How are you preparing for the role?

The same as I did for Hannibal but without the cooking.

Vlad the Impaler will be released in 2018.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN WINS US ELECTION

WASHINGTON – Vladimir Putin is the surprise winner of the US Presidential election, 2016.

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin will be the 45th President of the United States of America, voters have decided, amidst worries that the Russian hack might have gone deeper than previously thought. FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

CNN report that Vladimir Putin has managed to clinch 400 electoral votes, far beyond the 270 needed and 98% of the popular vote. The news came as a shock as the former head of the KGB wasn’t even officially on the ballot.

Hillary Clinton’s concession came immediately via email, forwarded by Julian Assange whereas Donald Trump was the first to congratulate the Russian politician.

FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

WORLD BEGS HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS TO MAKE MORE MOVIES ABOUT CHEFS

HOLLYWOOD – The entire world has issued a plea to all the major Hollywood studios to please make more movies about chefs.

The plea came with tension in the Middle East rising, a refugee crisis heading into winter and fears of terrorism reaching epidemic proportions with a subsequent rise in racist attacks. The whole world joined together and for once forgot its differences as everybody shouted in one voice: ‘More films about chefs please, Hollywood!’ The Secretary General of the UN Ban Ki-moon addressing the General Assembly said:

In this time of crisis what the world needs is some more dramatic comedies – dramedies if you will – about top flight chefs who are a bit arrogant and lose sight of what they do but are also artists when it comes down to it and come up trumps at the end, reconciling with a son or daughter or someone.

Despite tensions between Russia and Turkey President Vladimir Putin and Tayyip Erdogan issued a joint statement to all studios to make something else ‘like Jon Favreau’s Chef, which was a delight.’

Bradley Cooper responded instantly to the crisis, rolling up his sleeves and offering to do a sequel to Burnt. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY in the special Studio Exec kitchens:

I think in this time when so many people are losing their lives, over four million people have been displaced by the Syrian civil war alone, what everyone really wants to see is an acerbic but charismatic perfectionist, a temperamental genius who has gone to the wall because of drugs and alcohol or just arrogance and then comes back and redeems himself by cooking really nice food for a bunch of rich bastards. I think that is what the children who are dying under the bombs would really want us to be doing.

President Obama has told Congress that he wants a bill on his desk by Monday morning that will force the studios to begin making a minimum of six films about chefs every calendar year. But Universal has already announce a remake of 2007 Catherine Zeta Jones comedy No Reservations and Pixar are in talks to do a sequel to Ratatouille.

Burnt is currently in theatres.

RUSSIA INTRODUCE ROLLERBALL STYLE DEATH SPORT

MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin today confirmed that Russia would be instituting a national league of a gladiatorial death game, based loosely on the 1975 movie Rollerball.

The Premier of the Russian Federation told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Here in Russia it is useless to hide the fact that we have a lot of problems. There is criminality, corruption, economic woes and a disaffected youth. Add to this we have political dissidents left right and centre. However, recently as I was riding bare-chested across the steppe close to my Dacha, it occurred to me that the James Cann Science Fiction film Rollerball might be the answer to all of our problems. I phoned Steven Segal and Gerard Depardieu and they both agreed with me vociferously.

The Norman Jewison directed futuristic fantasy shows a society where everything is perfect. Corporations rule a largely docile populace where crime and poverty have been eliminated. This is done via a violent sport which serves as both a cathartic outpouring for the blood lust of society and a model of obedience and sacrifice. That is until the rise of star played Jonathan E (James Cann) whose individual success puts at risk the very values that the sport is supposed to promote.

Aren’t you afraid of a Jonathan E character rising up?

No not at all. I have Pussy Riot and that’s okay isn’t it? Jonathan E would be easy for me to do deal with. I’d invite him for a night time stroll near the Kremlin. Ha ha!

Many Russia watchers believe that the new sport will be a popular move for a President who despite (or perhaps because of) foreign criticism has maintained high levels of domestic support.

The rules for Russian Rollerball will be much the same as shown in the latter games of the movie, where there are no fouls and players can be legitimately maimed or murdered as part of the game. The league will begin with twenty teams playing across Russia, with players recruited from Universities, opposition political parties, immigrant groups, homosexuals and journalists.

The first season of Russian Rollerball will begin in October of 2015 and will be available on Pay Per View.

ED HARRIS SIGNS ON FOR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Ed Harris has signed on to play Vladimir Putin in a new biopic, provisionally entitled Putin.

Tom Hooper is directing the film from a script by English playwright Alan Bennett based on Russian premier’s autobiography Vlad to See You. The Right Stuff star told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve long been fascinated by power and the men who wield it. Putin, of course, is one of the single most powerful men on the planet and at the same time he looks like a very lonely and sad man. Alan Bennett’s scripts as emphasized this sadness, but I’m also learning karate because there are quite a lot of karate scenes.

King’s Speech director Tom Hooper said that the film was going to be cross generic exercise.

Putin was a KGB officer for years. He knows martial arts and he can ride a horse so when I sat down and spoke to Alan about the script my notes were really about putting more action into it. Harris is a versatile actor and as well as visibly resembling the Russian leader, he also looks like he could kill you with his stare.

Putin will be released in 2017.

JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN

HOLLYWOOD –

Dear Vladimir Putin,

I’m Jon Voight and I am more than angry. I am genuinely furious. I mean, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing Vladimir? Seriously? Stirring up all that shit in the Ukraine and then a passenger jet gets shot down. As if the Malaysians didn’t have enough to put up with without you causing them even more grief. I’m so angry with you I can hardly even speak.  Continue reading “JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN”

MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

VLADIMIR PUTIN AND STEVEN SEAGAL MARRY

MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal took advantage of a new wave of liberalism sweeping the world to get married this morning at eleven o’clock in a small private ceremony in Moscow.

The move came as a surprise as everyone had assumed that either Vladimir Putin was a huge homophobe, or – that if he was to overcome his hatred for anyone non-heterosexual – he would marry Gerard Depardieu who had become Russian as a sign of his love (or for tax reasons).

Putin said, ‘At last I’ve found a man I can go mano a mano with and who gives as good as he gets. Ever since I saw Under Siege it was like I was bewitched. Who was this man? I mean, he’s the cook, I’m confused. But then it turned out he was a Navy Seal. I don’t remember the rest of the film because I swooned.’

Seagal himself was overcome by emotion.

‘Usually I hate gays, but Vladimir won me over,’ he said. ‘We both love martial arts, water colours and despotism.’

For more news follow @studioexec1 on Twitter (if such a thing exists).

BRUCE WILLIS BLAMED FOR RUSSIAN METEORITE STORM

Vladimir Putin

Armagedding out here














Bruce Willis has been blamed by Vladimir Putin for having ‘in some way caused’ the meteorite shower that left hundred wounded. The meteorite flared dramatically in the sky in a region called Chelyabinsk and around 400 people were wounded in resulting explosions.
‘First he comes to Russia and kills people with his horrible snuff film A Good Day to Die Hard,’ said the Russian leader. ‘Then a scene from Armageddon happens right above our heads. Coincidence? I don’t think so.’
Putin’s new best friend Gerard Depardieu agreed: ‘Willis is a menace to Mother Russia. His anti-Russian propaganda was already tasteless and an insult to all true blood Russians such as myself, but then to somehow engineer space rock to fall from the sky as part of his ego trip just sickens me.’
It has been a hard week for Willis who also had the tough job of trying to identify the grammar of the phrase A Good Day to Die Hard to English journalists.