HELP BRAD PITT: AN APPEAL FROM THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday we saw what has become an all too common sight in this nation of ours. A woman in tears, a man reeling, the police stepping in, too late.

In the past seven years, Brad Pitt abuse has risen to epidemic proportions. Sociologists estimate that somewhere in the world a Brad Pitt is abused every seventeen seconds. And you can double that figure for China. 

Our politicians in Washington seem helpless, the international community indifferent, our leaders unable to act and the media point fingers, until the next news cycle. Only last year there was one incident of Brad Pitt slapping in broad daylight, an increase of 100 percent. 

This cannot go on. 

Please give generously and what you can’t afford to give steal from someone else and then give, and we will make sure that the likes of Vitalii Sediuk are never let near an innocent Brad Pitt ever again. 

Thank You.

VITALII SEDIUK SLAPS BRAD PITT

HOLLYWOOD – In a successful attempt to gain international media attention, Ukrainian prankster Vitalli Sediuk has slapped Brad Pitt.

The incident occurred at around 7.30 in Los Angeles, when Pitt, accompanying Angelina Jolie, was attending the red carpet opening of her film Malificent.

Sediuk was wrestled to the floor by security personnel and taken into custody by police but not before landing what onlookers described as a girly slap on Mr. Pitt. LAPD issued a statement saying that they regretted the incident:

But rest assured, Mr. Pitt will be invited down to the holding cells where he will be given the option of ‘having a friendly chat’ with Mr. Sediuk while we got out for coffee and cigarettes, if you know what we mean.

This is not the first time the Ukrainian prankster has annoyed the shit out of everyone. He once accepted a Grammy for Adele after crashing the award ceremony. However, things have not always gone Mr. Sediuk’s way, like when  he tried to kiss Will Smith and received an opened handed admonition on personal space from the Fresh Prince. 

Following this latest incident, international leader Vladimir Putin – a huge fan of Moneyball weighed in – telling the New York Times to send Sediuk over to Moscow. ‘He will be doing the piss sitting down for the rest of his life,’ said the Russian premier, who categorically hates all Ukrainians.  

For more news follow @studioexec1 on twitter.