HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.


The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.


The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.


The Oscars Takes Place Next March


HOLLYWOOD -Today NASA announced that they’ve discovered evidence of Brendan Fraser on Mars.

NASA probe Devious has brought back images that appear to show The Mummy star Brendan Fraser on the Martian surface. The actor best known for the Mummy films as well as Gods and Monsters and George of the Jungle was thought to only exist on the planet Earth but an ambitious NASA project sought to find evidence of the actor in other parts of the solar system. Project leader Tim Elton told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We had a feeling Brendan would be found on Mars but we didn’t dare to hope. Devious was designed to detect Vincent Gallo originally, but a public outcry raised at the prospect of success meant that we had to recalibrate.

Although it is unclear how Brendan Fraser got to Mars, whether he travelled there or evolved independently, the best theory is that Brendan Fraser might have gone there for pies.

The Rock is currently doing all the scripts Brendan Fraser would have been doing.


HOLLYWOOD – People have been warned not to ask where Keira Knightley is, lest she return.

Keira Knightley the bafflingly famous actress from England has been missing for about a year. Whether she is working on that cook book that involves only eating stuff that begins with the letter H and cardboard, or scuba diving in sub-Saharan Africa for UNESCO, the important thing is not to ask. A government advisor from the Department of Vincent Gallo, Josie Blemont said:

When a celebrity like Keira Knightley goes off the radar, we at the DVG are very careful not to enquire too deeply lest the celebrity return. It’s a bit like that film Ca…

Is it like Candyman?

I was just about to say, that it’s a bit like that film Candyman, where, if you say the name of the celebrity five times in front of a mirror, they will appear behind you and smash you to death with their cheekbones. Even though…

Candyman had a hook.

I was about to say that.

So the important thing is not to say Keira Knightley Keira Knightley Keira Knightley Keira Knightley…

Stop you mad fool. If you had said Keira Knightley one more time… argh argh argh my face!

Keira Knightley will return.


OLYMPUS MONS – Brown Bunny and Buffalo 66 director and star Vincent Gallo is concluding what has been described by the actor/astronaut as a ‘largely useless’ mission to Mars.

In his final video link before he begins his two year voyage back top Earth, Vincent Gallo told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When I left there was such an air of optimism and hope. My last movie was due to be released – Promises Written on Water – and there were crowds of people cheering me off. And I’ve always had quite a cynical view of Hollywood people, but everyone – directors, producers, agents – came to see me off and it was such a party atmosphere. I was really touched. I thought, they really understand how important it is that I go to Mars. It was incredible.

What changed?

Well, I was midway there that it first occurred to me looking out at the vastness of space that no one had actually given me a mission as such. It was a crazy oversight, but I have no real scientific know how, I don’t know about geology or chemistry, or biology or astronomy. So when I arrived there was very little for me to actually do. I took some photographs but stupidly I hadn’t deleted my memory card and it was almost full. I should have deleted all my shots from the Venice Film Festival but in the end I thought, I really want to keep them. So there wasn’t even a record I could keep.

Didn’t NASA give you a list of things they wanted?

NASA? Who are NASA?

The National Aeronautics and Space Agency.

Never heard of them. I take my orders from the MCA. They must be rivals I guess.

So how did you spend your time on Mars?

Well, not having much to do I developed some screenplays and I’m hoping to start filming the minute I get back to Earth. They’re going to be experimental and long. God they’re long.

In unrelated move, President Barack Obama today confirmed that the orbiting missile defensive shield system (or Star Wars) has been turned outwards to aim away from the Earth in what is being called an ‘Exercise’.