PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.

The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’

And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.

The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:

France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.

Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.

The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.


Disney confirmed this morning that Gaspar Noè’s violent drama Irreversible is to be made into a feature length animated musical.

It’s been over ten years since the original and I thought it was time for an update,” said an animated Noè.

The first idea was to remaster the original and add 3D but the test footage we shot caused many members of our  audience to experience severe psychological trauma. At least two of them gouged out their own eyes and another had to be permanently sedated because she can’t stop screaming.

Noè admitted that after his experience with the test audience he considered throwing in the towel. Luckily he was browsing the internet one morning looking for cup cake recipes when he stumbled upon a series of storyboards for an animated version of Irreversible.

They had been designed by a man called Edvar Cummings he had drawn all the panels, written the music. It was a complete piece of work and all it needed was someone like me to bring his vision to the big screen.

Noè went about finding Cummings to secure the rights to his idea only to discover he had been incarcerated in the Maudsley Psychiatric hospital in London for the last 8 years for killing his mother, sexually assaulting her corpse and attempting to order a Happy Meal at his local McDonald’s restaurant wearing her face.

His mistake was asking for his burger without gherkins. By the time the staff had managed to arrange that the police had arrived.

It was left to Edgar Cummings, Edvar’s brother and last surviving relative to complete the deal with Noè.

Edgar is a strange, eccentric man. He’s the only person in recorded history to have two beards at the same time.

Noe said he is excited about starting work on the film. Especially since all of the original cast have agreed to return and voice their characters.

You wait until you hear Vincent Cassel sing ‘I’m going to beat you to death with this f*cking fire extinguisher’. It will bring tears to your eyes.