REVIEW – GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

REVIEW – GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 – Parks and Recreations goes interstellar.

I enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It’s funny. Light. It’s like an episode of a real good comedy. One where the story doesn’t really matter that much. It tried to get a bit mushy at the end, but I don’t know what that was all about. Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell and David Hasselfoff are in it. So is Michael ‘Henry the Portrait of a Serial Killer’ Rooker and in one scene he reprises his early role.

Star Lord (Chris Pratt) returns with his pals Gamora, played by Zoe Saldana, Drax, played by Dave Bautista. Bradley Cooper voices Rocket. The latter get all the others into trouble for some mysterious reason called ‘plot’. Somewhere along the line Chris Pratt’s dad turns up and when we find out he lives on a planet called Ego we know things aren’t going to go smoothly.

We also have Baby Groot (Vin Diesel) who we’re supposed to adore. And for the most part we did, though it would have been better if he died in ever film like South Park: ‘Oh my God! They killed Groot!’

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MEL GIBSON AND WOODY ALLEN BRAWL IN PUBLIC

LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.

‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’

Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’

The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.

‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’

The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’

Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.

Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.

VIN DIESEL AND THE ROCK FIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec have EXCLUSIVELY received a picture which looks as if it shows Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson actually fighting.

The Studio Exec has obtained an image that appears to show Fast and Furious co-stars Vin Diesel and Dwayne the Rock Johnson in a physical fight. Although the picture is in close up and it is difficult to tell what is going on, it is obvious that the conflict between Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has escalated from an Instagram spat, to a full blown manly sweaty wrestling match, which The Rock has to be the favorite to win given his record. A photographic expert Kline Billious told the Studio Exec:

It’s obvious that they’re fighting. And it looks like Vin is getting his ass kicked. The Rock has him in a head lock. We can see that they have their shirts on but I think the expression of intensity in their faces, makes it highly likely that they’re both naked from the waist down. If you’ve ever seen the famous scene in Women in Love, with Alan Bates and Oliver Reed you’ll know what I’m talking about.

It is likely that the fight took place on the set of their new film with some crew members claiming that the director also ordered the cameras to roll. An anonymous gaffer told us:

‘Waste not, want not’ is a good motto and as soon as the boys went at it, we got the cameras set up. After all, we weren’t sure if either of them would be acting together again so this might be their last scene.

Although no winner has been announced, it is widely believed that The Rock bit off one of Vin Diesel’s ears and is keeping it in a jar.

Fast 8 will be released in 2017.

VIN DIESEL CHANGES NAME TO VIN HYBRID

HOLLYWOOD – Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel announced today that he is changing his name to Vin Hybrid.

Speaking to the Studio Exec earlier today via ‘car phone’, the artist formerly known as Vin Diesel explained his decision.

I know that I am associated with oil prices and gasoline because of my work on the Fast and Furious franchise, and people properly watch Riddick and think this guy doesn’t have much of a social conscience, but neither of those things are really me at all. I care deeply about the environment and believe we all have to do our bit to try and alleviate man made climate change. So I decided that I would change my name and get away from the idea of pollution that goes with it.

Vin Hybrid it is then.

Yeah. I pondered some alternatives. Vin Electric, Vin Solar Power and Vin Sustainable were all in the hat, but Vin Hybrid came out top.

What about my suggestion?

I’m sorry Exec. I appreciate the thought you put into it but no one is going to see a film starring Vin Wind Power.

Fast and Furiosa will be out in 2018.

FIRST LOOK AT VIN DIESEL IN KOJAK

HOLLYWOOD – Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel is to appear next as Kojak in a new feature film and today the Studio Exec got an EXCLUSIVE look at the first poster.

Vin Diesel has long wanted to take on the role of Theo Kojak, the lollipop sucking cop with the mystical ability to find parking spaces wherever he goes in New York.

Vin popped by the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss his new role:

Many actors would love to be James Bond, or Indiana Jones,  but for bald actors the choices are limited. Elmer Fudd was a great role but now I’m willing to stretch myself a little and the peak of bald guy roles has to be either The King and I or Kojak. I can’t sing so… who loves ya baby?

My wife.

No that’s my catchphrase. Who Loves ya baby?

Ah okay. Well yes absolutely.

Telly Savalas was for me an idol who encapsulated what it means to be a folically challenged leading man. Yul Brynner was far too exotic. I mean fantastic but I could never do that. Telly was the man. He was basically like me. Growing up that was who I watched on TV.

Philip Gawthrone, who cut his teeth writing episodes of BBC soap opera Eastenders, has been signed to write the screenplay.

Kojak: Who Loves Ya Baby will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

NEIL LABUTE’S NEW VERSION OF OLIVER! DEBUTS OFF BROADWAY

NEW YORK – Neil LaBute might be more famous for his acerbic big screen satires such as The Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors, but now he’s trying his hand at a musical with what he bills as a re-imagining of the Lionel Bart musical Oliver!

Starring Aaron Eckhart as the eponymous waif, LaBute’s new version has been described by the director as ‘a harsh corrective, bringing back the horror to what is essentially a story about child abuse. But we still have the wonderful songs.’

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, LaBute said:

I’ve always been a big fan of the musical as a form and when I was talking to Aaron one night he just said, well why not? And then the search was on to find the right one. I had thought of My Fair Lady, because that would give me scope to look into the brutalities of misogyny, but then Aaron said we’ve kind of already done that. Then I thought of Frozen and the hidden subtext of homophobia and exploitation but Disney weren’t interested in my reading. So at last we came to Oliver! And I have to say I am very pleased.

Joining Eckhart’s Oliver, will be Vin Diesel as Bill Sikes and John Goodman as Mr. Bumble. Bryan Cranston will join the run as Fagin, delighting audiences with a horrifying insight into evil and such hits as You’ve Gotta Pick-a-Pocket or Two and Food, Glorious Food!

Oliver! will run from next Monday until Wednesday. 

VIN DIESEL ANNOUNCES ELMER FUDD

 SAN DIEGO – Vin Diesel – of Fast and Furious and Riddick fame – has been hinting that a new franchise (perhaps coming from Marvel) was in the offing, but today he revealed he would be starring in a live action version of Elmer Fudd.

The film, provisionally entitled Fudd, will star Vin Diesel in the leading role of the follically-challenged hunter.

An obviously excited Diesel said:

I love the Looney Tunes ‘Universe’ and have been a fan for years. This will be a whole new take on Elmer ‘Egghead’ Fudd. If you think about it, he’s the original action star. A dark character, a man of violence, who relentlessly hunts his adversary the dubbuh-cwossing wabbit! the tweachewous miscweant!

A director has not yet to be attached but Kenneth Branagh has already evinced an interest in an interview with Rolling Stone.

‘He is perhaps the most complex character in animated history,’ said the Shakespeare interpreter extraordinary. ‘Except obviously for Bugs Bunny.’

Comic-Con c-c-c-con-tinues. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON

HOLLYWOOD – The amount of nonsense written about Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – star of such films as The Scorpion King, Journey 2 and Fast and Furious 6 – is frankly irritating.

So let the Studio Exec inject the steroids of truth into the flaccid muscle of weak falsehood that surrounds the abs of wonder.

  1. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson got his famous nickname – the Rock – because of his love of the  1996 Michael Bay action picture The Rock starring Sean Connery and with Nicholas Cage. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a massive devotee of the film, literally building his identity around it and has seen it twice.
     
  2. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson did not start out as a professional actor. No. He started his career translating epic Swedish poetry from the middle ages, including a translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik (Erikskronsikan) which was deemed revolutionary in Swedish medieval epic poetry translation circles. Coincidentally the Rock in Swedish is ‘berget’!
  3. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is famous in Hollywood for stealing sequels from Brendan Fraser. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has hated Brendan Fraser ever since Brendan Fraser in the Swedish Medieval Literature Review (1998) referred to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik as ‘merely adequate’. Johnson has stolen The Mummy franchise and the Journey franchise from Fraser, and appeared in Fast and Furious 6 under the mistaken impression that Vin Diesel was Brendan Fraser’s young brother.  
  4. Gibraltar is also occasionally known as The Rock, but Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Gibraltar are unrelated. 
  5. To prepare for his role in GI Joe: Retaliation, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson took to sleeping in a cardboard box with a perspex lid, a perfect mock up of the boxes that the toys which serve as the inspiration for this latest art house feature come in. Tilda Swinton has copied this idea for her recent activity at MOMA.

FAST AND FURIOUS 6: PLOT REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Today the first synopsis of the eagerly awaited Fast and Furious 6 starring Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson was revealed, ahead of the trailer which will be released sometime over the weekend.

The official plot summary reads as follows:
They drive like really fast cars really like fastly for no real like reason but it is fast and kind of not really furious, but defo fast. And there’s some actors-ish and there’s something about like bad guys who drive really fast cars and there’s a cop who drives a fast car and then there’s the robbers who drive fast cars but they’re good. And at the end they all drive really fast cars together, like in a chase.
It seems the original idea that circulated on the internet a while ago (for that story CLICK HERE) to abandon the tried and tested ‘really fast car’ concept has itself been dropped in favor of really fast cars.