THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

 

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

CINEMA CHAIN AMC SET TO ALLOW FRISBEE IN SCREENINGS

HOLLYWOOD – One of the largest cinema chains in the country AMC is considering letting customers play Frisbee during films.

AMC chief executive Adam Aron said he wanted to encourage so-called millennials to visit the cinema. Speaking to Variety, Aron said:

You can’t tell a 22-year-old to watch a film and not play Frisbee. That’s not how they live their life. We can’t just keep saying stop throwing Frisbees in the cinema if that’s what they want to do. They’ll just go elsewhere.

But he said he would have to find a solution that did not disturb other movie-goers.

We’re looking at a variety of options (if you’ll excuse the pun). We could have special non-Frisbee screenings. Or we could perhaps have nets that would section off one part of the audience from another. No one wants to get hit in face by a Frisbee while they’re watching a film. I understand that. But this is the future and we can’t hold it back.

AMC operates almost 400 cinemas in the United States, with more than 5,000 screens. In February the firm announced its intention to buy rival Carmike, which will make it the largest cinema chain in the US. But Mr Aron said young adults today were not visiting the cinema as much as their parents did when they were young.

The fact of the matter is we’re losing out and one of the reasons is that the cinemas are seen as boring stuffy places, a bit like libraries where everyone going ‘shush’ and people actually paying attention to something for longer than three minutes. I mean, fuck!? Am I right?

Frisbee friendly screenings are only the start however.

We have a whole series of ideas. Hip hop dance competitions, happy sacks, one of those pools with loads of balls in them. I don’t even know what they’re called, badminton… oh and my favorite… trampoline cinema. Can you imagine going to see Spider-Man Homecoming and going up and down on a trampoline.

What do you think of the idea of Frisbees in the cinema? Please use the comment box below to vent your indifference.

VARIETY: BRUCE WILLIS IS THE TOO-EST OLD FOR THIS SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – In a poll commissioned by Variety Bruce Willis has been judge the most ‘Too Old For This Shit’ of 2013, beating off strong competition from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and (surprise entry) Daniel Craig. Willis, who – in a Good Day to Die Hard (a film title which is exactly one word too long) – was consistently grumpy and weird and obviously doing most of his stunts on a stair lift, commented on the result, saying he was happy because it was Wednesday, a Wednesday they got a treat from the fruit box.

Hollywood has been desperately trying to resurrect 1987 with scant success. Self-deprecation has led straight to awkward embarrassment via Johnny Knoxville. The grandfather brigade is being quickly followed by middle-aging action stars such as Liam Neeson, who has to pause between flights of stairs, and even 007 finds himself wheezing when giving chase, not to mention Batman’s dodgy knees.

Willis wins a bus pass and a selection basket of hair products.

Who do you think is ‘too old for this shit’? Vote in our poll. After all Variety just make this stuff up, so no one can actually trust them.