McG DIRECTING HEAT 2

HOLLYWOOD – Several weeks ago Michael Mann announced he has co-written and will be publishing the sequel / prequel novel to his 90s smash hit crime thriller, Heat. Today Mann announced that Charlie’s Angels and Terminator: Salvation director, McG is directing Heat 2. With McG directing Heat 2, we caught up with the controversial director to talk about this surprise announcement.

So, McG Directing Heat 2. How Did You Get That Gig?

Honestly, I have no f**king idea. I was settled in directing shitty TV episodes of whatever, which suited me fine. Then from nowhere, Micky Mann calls me and Badda-bing! I got the gig. Go figure?

What Are Your Plans For Casting?

As I’m sure you know, the book follows Val Kilmer’s character Chris after the events from the original. It also tells the stories of Al’s and Bobby’s characters before we met them in Heat. I’m gonna stick with the same actors for continuity. Marty Scorsese perfected the de-ageing techniques in The Irishman, so I’m just gonna piggy-back on what he did. Easy.

Are You Sure About That? Not Everybody Was Convinced.

F**k them! If it’s good enough for Marty, it’s sure as shit good enough for me. I’m also casting Sam Worthington in it. Not sure who he’s gonna play yet. But I just think he’s one of the most compelling performers we have.

What Else Can You Tell Us About The Movie?

Where the first movie fell down was in the lack of action sequences. Yeah, it had a decent gun battle, but where was all the bullet time? Where were all the hunter-killer robots? That’s what the Heat universe needs. Hey, hang on just one goddam minute. That gives me an idea. We can make this not only a Heat sequel and prequel, but also a prequel to Terminator: Salvation. Sam can reprise his role of Robby The Robot, or whatever the f**k he was in that movie. Maybe we could even get Christian Bale back as John Connor. He had so much fun playing that role.

Are You Sure That Will Fit In With What’s Gone Before?

You have seen my work before, right? Do you think I give a shit about any of that? This is gonna be awesome, baby. YEAH!

Heat 2: Turn Up The Temperature Is Slated For A 2024 Release

FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

TOP GUN 2 GETS TITLE AND FIRST IMAGE

HOLLYWOOD – Maverick is back in Top Gun 2, which now has a title and first image.

Top Gun 2 will go ahead with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer reprising their roles as Maverick and Iceman. Tom dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the new movie:

It’s great. The title is Top Gun: Stair Lift. Me and Val are not as young as we once were. It’d be ridiculous to have us still flying fighter planes. We just can’t do it. Instead we’ve both retired with dodgy hips, but we don’t want to move out of our houses and get like bungalows. So we have these stair lifts installed, but still feeling the need for speed, we soup them up so they travel at amazing speeds.

That’s…

I know.  When I told Val about it, he was so happy. Frankly, I think he was worried that he’d have to get in shape, but the stair lifts are quite resistant. So we start racing these stair lifts as a way of supplementing our pensions. There’s this whole hidden world of illegal stair lift races that no one knows anything about. And the Russian mafia are involved so we actually come face to face with one of the fighter pilots who used to attack us with MIGs. It’s really exciting.

Top Gun 2: Stair Lifts will be released in 2018.

TOP GUN 2 WILL INVOLVE AIRPLANES

HOLLYWOOD – Top Gun 2 will involve airplanes, Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer admitted yesterday.

Yesterday Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer Skyped the Studio Exec to talk about Top Gun 2 and they were adamant that the sequel to the popular 1986 action movie Tony Scott’s Top Gun will involve airplanes.

Studio Exec: So tell me guys. What’s up with all this noise about Top Gun?

Tom Cruise: We don’t want to give too much away because we want people to be surprised and enjoy the film, but we can say I think Jerry…

Jerry Bruckheimer: Careful Tom!

TC: We can say that there will be airplanes.

JB: I think we’re safe in saying that.

TC: And we’re not talking Word War One bi-wings here.

JB: No, nor are we talking about passenger jets, like 747s or something along those lines.

TC: Can I tell him?

JB: Sure, I guess. You’re not recording this Exec?

SE: No, ahem. No absolutely not.

TC: Okay, well, we’re thinking of getting Maverick back in the seat of one of those military fighter jets.

JB: Along with his Wingman.

TC: They’re gonna light up ISIS.

JB: Shhhh. Tom! Jesus!

TC: Oh yeah, forget I said that.

SE: Is Val Kilmer gonna be in it?

JB: You betcha. We’re gonna have to modify the … he’s put on a little weight, but yeah the Iceman returneth.

Top Gun 2: Topper Gun will be released in 2018.

VINCE GILLIGAN REVEALS NEW PROJECT

HOLLYWOOD – Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul creator Vince Gilligan has announced his new project, a TV show based on the Studio Exec.

Vince Gilligan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec (who else?) about the project:

This is going to be the darkest thing I’ve ever done. When I first thought up Breaking Bad, I pitched it as Mr. Chips becomes Scarface. Well, this is more like Scarface becomes … I don’t know, but something a lot worse than Scarface by gum!

Can you give us an idea of the plot?

Sure. I mean broad strokes. The Studio Exec is a Hollywood producer with deep ties to the Colombian cartels…

He’s a dealer?

No, but he has a loyalty card. He gets into trouble when he starts to make a movie about Pablo Escobar starring Benicio del Toro. His dealers are none too pleased by the portrayal of a man they consider a local hero and so some how the Studio Exec must square them, make the movie, deal with a difficult star and at the same time come to terms with the fact that his daughter wants to marry Val Kilmer.

You’ve been reading my f*cking diary!

I’m ashamed to say I have.

Breaking Exec will be broadcast in the Fall.

 

TERRENCE MALICK’S NEW FILM INSPIRED BY SON ZAYN MALIK

HOLLYWOOD – Terrence Malick’s new film The Singer Stepped Out is directly influenced by the career of his son Zayn Malik who recently left the ‘pop’ group One Direction.

The garrulous filmmaker and director of such films as The Thin Red Line and The Tree of Life Terrence Malick is to make a new film based on his son Zayn Malik’s singing career. Malick spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the venture:

It is going to be unlike anything I’ve ever done before. It’s not going to have a voice-over! And it’s actually a musical. But all that aside, it’s just great to have an opportunity to work with Zayn after years of being estranged.

What was the cause of the estrangement?

Well, I have always been a genius film director, but I guess I wasn’t always the best father in the world. I used to whisper a lot to him about nature and the soul and I guess kids just want to play Nintendo and have fun. For a while there he was very angry. So much so he even changed the way he spelled his name to a new trendy fashion without the ‘c’, but his career took off and we would find ourselves booked on the same talk shows.

Who had the idea?

We both came to a juncture in our careers. To the Wonder and Knight of Cups were greeted by audiences with the same warmth as you’d get offering urine samples in champagne flutes. Zayn had left One Direction and was at a loose end and we got talking about his career and we said why not? I think it’s going to be groovy to see our two audiences come together. Many of whom don’t even know we’re related. Zayn will play himself and Val Kilmer is on board to play Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling is playing Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman is playing Christian Bale. Mickey Rourke, Rachel Weisz and Adrien Brody are in it as well but we’ll cut them out. We always do. It’s kind of a tradition

Will any other One Direction members participate in the film?

That sack of talentless shits! No way.

The Singer Stepped Out will be released in 2019.

THE VATICAN CANONIZES VAL KILMER

val kilmer saint
sainty


ROME – In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the Vatican has canonized screen actor Val Kilmer.

The announcement was made as part of a day that will see Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII also elevated to Sainthood. Although the news was received with widespread celebration – especially in Puerto Rico where Val Kilmer has already gained a semi-divine status – one Vatican insider revealed EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec that the whole thing might have been a mistake:

One of the cardinals couldn’t read the handwriting and just put down the first name that came into his head. Apparently he had watched Oliver Stone’s The Doors the night before on RAI.

However, officially the Vatican is making no such admission and is insisting that St. Kilmer, as he must now be called, had proceeded through the entire process of canonization and had fulfilled all the criteria of a saint including the performing of miracles. ‘That he still got work after The Island of Doctor Moreau and The Ghost and the Darkness constitutes a miracle, we all agree on that,’ pontificated one cleric. ‘There’s no rational explanation other than divine intervention.’

However some church observers have greeted the move with dismay:

To be a saint, one must perform miracles, have a holy ministry of some nature and be dead. Mr. Kilmer doesn’t satisfy at least two of these criteria.

 Although Pope Francis has made no secret of his admiration for Mr. Kilmer in Heat, even the actor seemed surprised at his new status. He told Exec: 

I was The Saint now I’m a saint. So I guess I’m ready. Ha ha. Hmmm.

What do you think of Val Kilmer’s canonization? Does he deserve it simply for his comic turn in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS

HOLLYWOOD – Documentarian, director and sibilant Austrian septuagenarian Werner Herzog has opened his own wedding videos company, which offers the unique service of having the award-winning director of such films as Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre Wrath of God and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans capture the most important and beautiful day of any couple’s lives. 

The director of Into the Darkness commented:

I have made films about the most extreme situations on the planet on which we find ourselves alive today, Antarctica, death row, caves somewhere in France, I even made a film with Val bloody Kilmer, and now here I am, and nothing to do with a lot of digital cameras. So I thought why not make wedding videos and in doing so I believe I can truly document the destruction of the soul of Man.

Do you see this then as an extension of your attempt to delineate the outline of human possibility?

Yes. And you get free cake.

Werner with another happy customer (divorced)

Werner Herzog’s Wedding Video company is available for the cost of $2000 a day or $3000 for a weekend. Herzog films everything himself and provides an audio commentary in which he is amusingly and eccentrically rude about everybody except the person who gives him cake.

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA ADMITS: ‘YES, I MADE A FILM WITH VAL KILMER’

SAN FRANSCICO – Legendary director and bon vivant Francis Ford Coppola admitted yesterday to a secret Val Kilmer film. The film was made in 2011 – when nobody was looking – and is called Twixt.

To avoid it being seen by anyone, Coppola released it in Belgium only, hoping that Belgians didn’t have internet connection yet, or telephones, or a working postal system. In the film, a clearly out of shape Val Kilmer plays a writer whose career seems to be in ‘terminal decline’. Sound familiar?  While on a book tour, Kilmer gets invloved in a murder mystery in a small town, stuff happens and it’s kind of like Twin Peaks but without the diamond-like clarity or unassailable plot logic.

A source close to Coppola said that he liked the challenge of making a Val Kilmer movie, but afterwards felt embarrassed, like he’d been caught picking his nose and eating it.

ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART TEAM UP FOR DIRTY DANCING REMAKE

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze


HOLLYWOOD – On again off again couple of the moment Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will be teaming up one more time for the remake of beloved dance musical Dirty Dancing to be directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Pattinson plays dance instructor Johnny Castle, originally played by Patrick Swayze, who teaches young Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman (Stewart, taking over from Jennifer Grey) the ways of love and sex fuelled dancing.

Francis Ford Coppola – director of such masterpieces as The Godfather, The Conversation and Apocalypse Now – said that he was looking forward to being back in the game.

I won’t deny it, life has been tough recently. It’s like everything I touch turns to shit. And then the business is very cruel. (Sobbing) I’m not very proud of myself. I went to some dark places. I even made a film with Val Kilmer. Val goddam Kilmer!

 Rob.son and K.art – as they prefer to be known – said in perfect synchronicity that they were looking forward to working together again.

Every time we appear apart in a film, bad things happen, whether it’s Water for Elephants or On the Road. We are hoping to recapture the magic of Twilight, but with you know, dancing. Dirty dancing. Like the name of the film. 

So who are you going to be rooting for Team Castle or Team Baby? Leave a comment and tell us what you think. And be sure and follower us on Twitter, or you know wherever.

Dirtier Dancing will be released in 2015.