VLADIMIR PUTIN WINS US ELECTION

WASHINGTON – Vladimir Putin is the surprise winner of the US Presidential election, 2016.

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin will be the 45th President of the United States of America, voters have decided, amidst worries that the Russian hack might have gone deeper than previously thought. FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

CNN report that Vladimir Putin has managed to clinch 400 electoral votes, far beyond the 270 needed and 98% of the popular vote. The news came as a shock as the former head of the KGB wasn’t even officially on the ballot.

Hillary Clinton’s concession came immediately via email, forwarded by Julian Assange whereas Donald Trump was the first to congratulate the Russian politician.

FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

LARRY VAUGHN TAKES LEAD IN THE POLLS

AMITY – Independent Presidential candidate Larry Vaughn looks set to steal the election from the two former favorites Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Following a week of scandals, outsider Larry Vaughn is about to pull off one of the biggest upsets in US political history. Despite criticisms of his ‘keeping the beaches open’ policy, the former mayor of Amity leads all the polls by seven points. Florida is the latest state to topple for Vaughn, but Arizona, Nevada and Idaho are expected to follow suit on Tuesday.

His running mate Walter Peck told the Studio Exec that Larry Vaughn is leading a movement:

People are just so mad about mainstream politicians always talking down to them. Donald Trump grabbing pussy and Hillary Clinton’s shenanigans turn people off. But Larry tells is how it is.

With his anti-vandalism policy – ‘Hang them up by their Buster Browns!’ – and his support of small business, Vaughns speaks to the hopes and aspirations of a middle class  who feel Washington has let them down. At his rallies, Vaughners dress in anchor themed jackets and chant ‘You Yell Shark! You Yell Shark!’, often drowning out Vaughn’s speeches. The rhetoric is often fiery though short on policy detail, other than the much repeated refrain of ‘I’m not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock.’

For more on Larry Vaughn’s meteoric rise to power, CLICK HERE.