SONY GREEN LIGHT THREE NEW KIM JONG-UN BIOPICS

HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.

A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.

So what films are in production?

We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.

That sounds like Up.

Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.

What else you got?

Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.

Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?

He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.

Got it. And finally…?

And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing  mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.

For more on  the Sony Hack READ HERE.

KIM JONG UN TO STAR IN UP 2

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HOLLYWOOD – The bells were ringing in North and South Korea today as a deal was finally made that saw a peaceful conclusion to the saber rattling and escalation of tensions of the past few weeks.

And as part of that deal – in perhaps the strangest clause of the treaty – comes the news that Kim Jong Un will be starring in the sequel to the Pixar smash Up. Up 2: Benevolent Leader Sores Above Evil will also be the first live action film that the animation studio has produced.

Director Bob Peterson said today:

No one here at Pixar is really happy about this but we got a phone call from the President early this morning and it became clear that war was imminent if some solution wasn’t found. Spielberg had already categorically denied any wish to make a stand alone Short Round movie and so it was left to us. The movie will be what it is, but the important thing is we averted a conflict that could have cost millions of lives and not many movie studios can make that claim. Except Fox but they’d be lying. 

Scribes were busy thrashing out character arcs and plot points late into the night, but it seems that the synopsis they’ve come up with sees Wilderness Explorer Russell now as a grown man and Supreme Leader of the World Federation. When evil rears its ugly head as Warlord StickyBack Lobarma, Russell is called on to stare benignly into the middle distance with the help of his talking dog and a curmudgeonly old South Korean (Jim Burgess) who keeps – hilariously – falling into open sewers and breaking limbs.

Up 2: Benevolent Leader Sores Above Evil is due out on Xmas day.