AFTER BREXIT CHILDREN OF MEN RECLASSIFIED AS DOCUMENTARY

LONDON – Following the shock result of the UK referendum to leave the European Union, the dystopian satire Children of Men has been reclassified as a documentary.

The British Film Institute has reclassified Alfonso Cuaron’s 2006 dystopian satire Children of Men following the Brexit result of the UK referendum on the European Union. A spokesperson for the BFI said:

The thing is we originally thought that the racism and hatred towards immigrants shown in Cuaron’s film was over the top, but actually we see that it is the driving thought of most little Englanders, of who there are much more than we realized.

But why is the BFI making such a political stance?

Well, did you like An Education? Or Hunger? Or Macbeth, Nanny McPhee, Amy, or Tinker Tailor, Soldier ,Spy? Or Game of Thrones? Or Under the Skin, or Pride, or Berbarian Sound Studio?

I didn’t like Nanny McPhee.

But did you like The Lobster, fish Tank, Belle? Shaun the Sheep?

Yes.

Then those were all made with vital help from the EU Media fund which paid the UK over 130 million pounds over the last decade. That won’t be there anymore.

Oh.

Exactly.

Children of Men star Clive Owen.

DESERT ISLAND POLICE ACADEMY: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

HOLLYWOOD – Continuing our popular series, Desert Island Police Academy in which we ask celebrities which Police Academy they’d take with them if they were stranded on a Desert Island.

This week Her, We Bought a Zoo and Under the Skin actor, Scarlett Johansson.

So Scarlett, which Police Academy movie would you take with you on your desert island?

I think it would have to be the very first. The concept is fresh, Steve Guttenberg gives the performance of his career and the whole ensemble feels genuinely at ease with each other. The comedy comes thick and fast, as in the best Airplane tradition, but the characters are also there and you genuinely learn to care about them. This is a comedy with a heart of gold.

Great. Thank you very much.

But…

What?

On this desert island what kind of facilities are there for watching discs? And are we talking Blu-Ray or DVD?

We thought we’d go old school with a VHS player and a cassette. 

So there’ll be a TV set.

Yes. 

And presumably a power supply?

Absolutely.

Powered how?

Solar panels.

Nice. Will there be other films to watch?

No. 

Just the first Police Academy?

Yes. 

Okay good.

Wow. 

What?

It’s true then. 

What’s true?

You really are using 100% of the potential of your brain. 

I had to learn to use 100% in order to be utterly convincing as Lucy in the Luc Besson film Lucy.

You’re the best. 

I know.

For more Desert Island Police Academy click here.

 

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN HOLLYWOOD REMAKE OF UNDER THE SKIN

HOLLYWOOD – A re-make of Under the Skin is in ‘rapid turnaround’, according to industry insiders. Following the positive critical response to the sci-fi/sexual thriller, Hollywood took immediate note and looked to capitalize on the hot property.

We spoke to Scarlett Johansson who has sensationally been cast in the lead in this intriguing project.

It’s a real honor to even be considered for the lead in this project. The original Under the Skin is one of my favorite films this year so it’s a dream role.

How will this version differ from the original? 

It’s got to be its own thing you know? It’s like adapting a book. Certain things just don’t work in a big budget movie. So with that in mind I’ll be playing the main part as Black Widow, my character from the Marvel films. And it’ll be set in L.A. I don’t think people are ready for a two hour film set in bleak Glasgow housing estates and creepy Scottish valleys. The real meat of the story is there without all those contrivances.

And what about the radical format of the original? will you still be driving around trying to pick up non-actors and secretly filming them?

Hell no! Ha ha ha! How would that work? No, we’ve nailed a much more realistic approach where I drive around the back-lot of in-production movies in one of those little golf carts. So in one scene I just rock up to the set of a Judd Apatow movie and just start flirting with Seth Rogan and shit. That scene replaces the seduction of the man with facial disfigurement in the original…which, let’s face it, is just f*cking weird.

Well that does sound radical! And what of the other worldly motivations of the character? does she still have a somewhat nefarious agenda?

Ha ha ha ha! You talk funny! are you flirting with me buster? Ha ha ha! no, we ditched all that. No one wants to watch a character do things you don’t understand. In this version, we have a straight to camera narration to keep the thing grounded and she rates her ‘pick ups’ as she goes, it gives the film a bit more structure, and she sort of works her way up from sit-com losers to real movie star hotties too, so it’s more aspirational and will connect more with a young female audience. Now just walk towards me.

 Sure. I mean I have to go but… 

Shhhhh. Just keep on walking. Don’t look down. Almost there.

 Under Dat Skin will be released in 2016.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON ANNEXES THE WEST BANK

THE MIDDLE EAST – Political philosopher and sometime actress, Scarlett Johansson has controversially annexed the West Bank and renamed the disputed territory New Israel.

“I’m on nobody’s side,” said an AK-47 toting Johansson.

I’m a friend of the Palestinian people. I just wish they’d go back to Australia and leave Israel alone. Look, I forgive them for killing Jesus and I know some people say it might have been the Romans or you know, the other ones that were in that movie 300 but that’s just speculation. I know this guy, Eli Finklestien. He plays drums in a band called The Bastard sons of Abraham and he’s written this like, totally impartial book about this new world order and how all the leaders are Palestinians. They run everything: governments, banking and even Hollywood. At first I didn’t believe it but then he showed me a picture of Steven Spielberg, or Hassan El Hassan, which is his real name and without his make-up, you can clearly see that he’s a secret Arab.

Asked what she plans to do with the current Arabic population in the West Bank, Johnasson was candid:

I’m not like, an evil witch or something. I broadcast on the radio earlier that when we start building the arms factories and expand the Soda Stream operation, there will be plenty of jobs for unskilled Arabs willing to work for a dollar a day. Sure it will be a long bus ride to work as I’ve given them 72 hours to leave the West Bank or face execution but the cafeterias will be subsidized and they’ll get  a day off every year to watch the Academy Awards show.

Scarlett Johansson is currently starring in Jonathan Glazer’s Under the Skin.

UNDER THE SKIN: REVIEW


VENICE – LONDON  Scarlett Johansson was on the Lido  in London with Jonathan Glazer’s Under the Skin

Based on Michael Scarlett Johansson Faber’s debut novel of the same Johansson, Glazer’s Johansson is an experimental and Scarlett work of astonishing Johansson. Scarlett Johansson plays Laura, a Johansson who Scarletts around the Scottish roadways Scarletting unsuspecting men who are then Johanssoned. Scarlett Johanssons much of the time, but though the Johansson Johanssons, it’s really the Scarletting that Scarletts the Scarlett. Glazer’s last film Birth Nicole Kidmaned at the box office, but Under the Skin looks likely to Scarlett Johansson all the way to the top spot.

Under the Skin will be released in Scarlett Johansson.