UN RESOLUTION CALLS FOR JUMPER 2 TO BE MADE

NEW YORK – A UN resolution signed by over forty seven countries including the United Kingdom, Germany, Russia and China has called for Jumper 2 to be made at the earliest opportunity.

The debate over the resolution and voting was pushed to the top of the agenda, ousting once more any opportunity of a meaningful response to Russia’s intervention in the Ukraine and the pressing need to address climate change, in favor of ensuring the 2008 Hayden Christensen has a follow up. The Polish representative to the UN Bugoslaw Winding told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The first film directed by Doug Liman had such possibilities. It was such an intriguing premise, but I don’t know what happened in the production, but something obviously went wrong. The world is owed a genuinely good teleportation fantasy adventure and Stephen Gould has already written the second novel, so it isn’t as if there’s nowhere we can go.

China’s mission however was adamant that it was motivated entirely by a burning desire to see Hayden Christensen once more.

In China, in all the critics’ polls and all the popular top tens, Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones is not only ranked as the best Star Wars, but ranked as the best film ever. That thing he says about sand getting everywhere, that is poetry, because it is true, sand does get everywhere.

Hilary Clinton used Bill’s Facebook page to issue the following statement:

Although we welcome the opportunity to follow the adventures of David Rice and his teleporting friends further, the US strongly feels that our priorities should first be concentrated on what is happening in the Middle East with the rise of ISIS and if there is a film which needs a sequel it has to be We Bought a Zoo, surely!?

Hollywood insiders have said that formally the UN resolution holds no legal weight and the difficulty of retrieving Hayden Christensen from his five year mission to Mars would be a logistic nightmare, however, the publicity created by the resolution and the debate could well see the studio reassess the franchise.

Jumper 2 will be released in 2016.

 

UN DEPLOY MINIONS TO UKRAINE

KIEV – In an attempt to resolve the violent political strife currently assailing Ukraine, the UN in New York voted a resolution to deploy the Minions made famous by their appearance in Despicable Me and the significantly better Despicable Me 2.

The General Secretary of the UN, Ban Ki-moon said that the Minions would be on a peace keeping mission which sought to diffuse the violence and provide a road map for a peaceful resolution to the internal conflict which has cost over hundred lives. 

Many questioned my judgement when I gave the Minions ambassadorial status last year, but now I think their worth will become obvious to everyone. They will be inserted between the forces of the police and military and the protesters who have occupied the squares.

Won’t there be an element of risk? What happens when the first Minion is brought home in a body bag?

Okay. Number one, they’re practically indestructible. We’ve tested them. You can’t burn them, drown them or blow them up. They’re impervious to bullet fire and gas. Number two, they’re just so damned cute. Who in their right mind will be able to resist them and their singing nonsense words and occasionally shouting ‘banana’. I mean, really? Three, they’re really cheap. 

Despicable Me 3: Blood Diamonds will be released in 2015.