HOLLYWOOD – The world is breathing a collective sigh of relief after Oscar winning actor and ‘rock star’ Jared Leto solved the recent crisis that had risked bursting into open war between Russia and the beleaguered Eastern European country.

In a surprise visit to Kiev, Mr. Leto honored those who had fallen in the recent protests and also sat down with the parliamentary leaders and spoke on the telephone with Vladimir Putin:

It was tough at first because Mr. Putin was under the mistaken impression after watching Dallas Buyers Club that I was gay and he had a lot of very intimate questions which I did my best to answer. But once we’d cleared that up and got down to brass tacks, we had what I would call a very constructive conversation.

The Ukranian Prime Minister Yatsenyuk was full of praise for Jared Leto:

Initially we were skeptical and very resistant to some of Jared’s suggestions. We had watched the Oscars speech but had written it off as him just Brando-ing. But then he arrived and his group 5 Seconds to Mars played and all of our troubles were put into perspective. The threat of Russian aggression, the infiltration of right wing paramilitary groups, the economic difficulties of our people, all of this seemed as nothing compared to the urgent need to not have 5 Seconds to Mars play again in our country.

It is understood that the deal brokered by Leto will see Russia withdraw its troops and recognize the legitimacy of the new government in return for 5 Seconds to Mars not playing in Moscow. The Requiem for a Dream actor has now been contacted by the UN to help out in other trouble spots in the world and which will see a world tour of 5 Seconds to Mars playing in such places as the Occupied West Bank, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and the DMZ between North and South Korea.


KIEV – In an attempt to resolve the violent political strife currently assailing Ukraine, the UN in New York voted a resolution to deploy the Minions made famous by their appearance in Despicable Me and the significantly better Despicable Me 2.

The General Secretary of the UN, Ban Ki-moon said that the Minions would be on a peace keeping mission which sought to diffuse the violence and provide a road map for a peaceful resolution to the internal conflict which has cost over hundred lives. 

Many questioned my judgement when I gave the Minions ambassadorial status last year, but now I think their worth will become obvious to everyone. They will be inserted between the forces of the police and military and the protesters who have occupied the squares.

Won’t there be an element of risk? What happens when the first Minion is brought home in a body bag?

Okay. Number one, they’re practically indestructible. We’ve tested them. You can’t burn them, drown them or blow them up. They’re impervious to bullet fire and gas. Number two, they’re just so damned cute. Who in their right mind will be able to resist them and their singing nonsense words and occasionally shouting ‘banana’. I mean, really? Three, they’re really cheap. 

Despicable Me 3: Blood Diamonds will be released in 2015.