NEW YORK – Following a nasty accident on his bicycle, Bono is to have his surgery paid for from the proceeds of a charity single recorded by the continent of Africa.
A spokesperson for Africa told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
It’s the least we could do after all Bono has done for Africa. It’s about time we stepped up to the plate and coughed up some money for Bono’s medical bills.
The Irish songbird Vox Bono came a cropper during a bike ride in Central Park New York when he was recklessly doing a wheelie with no hands. The subsequent accident resulted in a broken arm, fractured shoulder and a five hour stint in surgery, including facial reconstruction. The accident occurred a day after Bono returned from London where he had recorded his line of the new Band Aid single ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas (Feed the World)’.
The spokesperson continued:
As soon as we heard, we dropped everything. Zambia was on the phone and Nigeria sent a round robin email. The Democratic Republic of Congo and the Sudan were a bit late to the party, but Egypt, Ethiopia, Kenya, Morocco, Ghana Senegal, Cameroon and South Africa were all on the first flight. Rwanda and Chad were already there. We had a bit of an argument about what song we were going to do. Ivory Coast suggested Bicycle Race by Queen, but Ivory Coast is like that. Always fooling. In the end we decided to do Where the Streets Have No Name from The Joshua Tree, which is like a classic.
Where the Streets Have No Name by Bono Aid will be released tomorrow.
DUBLIN – Stadium rock band U2 have found themselves in the middle of a storm of controversy around their decision to release their new album Songs of Innocence free to iTunes users.
Apple offices were inundated with complaints and message boards filled up the irate rants of mildly irritated people pretending to be enraged.
‘It’s way too expensive,’ commented @chrismartin69.
Although it cost me no money, it has taken up space in my library and it took me three minutes to delete it. Three minutes I’ll never get back.
Bono Vox said that he was surprised by the reaction:
We are universally loved by everyone not only because of our driving rock anthems, but also because of our fluid melodies and charity work. Without us Africa would be a f*cking mess. People should think about that instead of slagging off our poetic lyrics and epic stomping bass lines. And I would add as an addendum if possible, that Edge bought a new hat especially because he was so looking forward to today, and when he saw some of the comments, little tears sprang into his little eyes. Just think about that haters! How can you sleep at night?
U2’s Songs of Innocence is available in… oh wait you already own it.
DUBLIN – Following a 27 year search, Bono Vox the lead singer of Irish rock band U2 has finally found what he was looking for.
It turned out it was in a jacket he’d thought he’d already checked in 1987, but there was an inside pocket he’d forgotten about.
The singer told Studio Exec:
I feel like a feckin eejit! I really do. Can you imagine it? I’ve been going round the world for the last two and a half decades singing my anthem-like plea, touching the hearts of thousands, millions perhaps, and if I’d just checked my jacket a little more carefully I wouldn’t have needed to bother. I could have sang a song about a Happy Bus instead.
A Happy Bus?
Yeah, that was what I was sitting down to write a song about when I started looking for this… er… thing.
How hard did you look for it?
Well, I climbed the highest mountains, obviously. I ran through the fields. Which was a mistake. I should have walked, being careful to look. Oh and I scaled the city walls.
Dublin’s city walls?
Yes. Among others. Jerusalem and Jericho, as well.
And all this time it was in your pocket in the wardrobe?
It’s so embarrassing now you put it like that. But on the other hand, at least it gave me the chance to kiss some honey lips and feel the healing finger tips, which feel grand. Top notch finger tips if you want to know. Plus all the colors bleed into one. I should’ve used a lower temperature on this wash cycle.
So what was it?
The thing you hadn’t found. The thing you were looking for?
Oh well I’ll show you. Wait a second. I must have… Where did I…?
HOLLYWOOD – Popular rock music group U2 have announced they are to sue Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing them at the Oscars.
Humorless lead singer Bono spoke EXCLUSIVELY about Benedict Cumberbatch unwanted incursion the Studio Exec this morning:
We’d got dressed up for the Oscars, and Adam and Edge were really, really excited. We all put on our serious faces, because we like to look quite serious and when I smile I look like a bit of a turnip. The photographers snapped away and we were really happy. I turned to Edge and said, ‘That’ll be a good one’. But when I got up the next morning I was horrified to see Sherlock Holmes jumping behind us like a pillock.
Edge added with a dour tone to his voice like a child trying not to cry:
As you may or may not know, myself and Bono and the rest of U2 are actually Irish. So bombing of any kind, even photobombing is in very poor taste. I’d worn my special hat so as you can imagine the whole evening was ruined.
Noted Jolly Bastard Mr. Cumberbatch laughed when told of the impending law suit, and issued a statement through his lawyers that stated simply:
I don’t give a toss.
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