HOLLYWOOD – Tyler Perry conclusively has proven there is no such thing as a benign omnipotent God via his live television event The Passion.
Critics of religion such as Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins congratulated Tyler Perry for doing away with the notion that there was some kind of all powerful good God. Perry’s Palm Sunday live television broadcast The Passion showed on Fox last night and proved beyond doubt that a good God was at best a chimera, at worst a delusion. The semi-live musical featured a huge glowing crucifix being carried through the streets of New Orleans on Palm Sunday, to a souped up Karaoke soundtrack sung by half famous people.
Fox’s second live musical event of the year so far, the tale of the last hours of Jesus Christ featured Tyler Perry himself as the narrator in pre-taped segments, Trisha Yearwood played Mary the Virgin Mother, Seal as Pontius Pilate, Prince Royce as the future St. Peter, Chris Daughtry as Judas, and Telenovela’s Jencarlos Canela as Jesus. Singing covers of such classic Spirituals as Tears for Fears’ Mad World and We Don’t Need Another Hero (Beyond the Thunderdome) from Mad Max 3, the telecast had an immediate and significant effect on the belief in God on audiences throughout the country.
“I’ve always been a God-fearing church goer,” said Conor Wickam (43) from Idaho, “but now there just doesn’t seem to be any point.” These sentiments were echoed as religious groups suddenly decided their time would be better spent writing long introspective novels, or having sex with people they actually wanted to have sex with. Even the Vatican issued a statement.
The Holy Father watched with dismay as Tyler Perry made the existence of a all powerful and beneficent deity seem silly. He’s decided to take a few days of retreat and meditation while he knocks his resume into shape.
Tyler Perry however pointed to the fact that some had their faith strengthened:
I spoke with my good friend Paul Rudd and he said that he felt the show was deep and that he would be practicing his own beliefs with far more fervor than hitherto.
For more on Paul Rudd’s satanism, Click Here.
HOLLYWOOD – Batman (Ben Affleck) might have killed (or not) his Bond girl wife (Rosamund Pike) in a film by David Fincher, THE airport novel director of choice.
One day gone: Ben Affleck puts on his acting face and gets to say all the lines that were cut from To the Wonder.
Two days gone: Rosamund Pike speaks in a convincing American accent.
Three days gone: David Fincher likes photographing America at night because he just likes those tungsten yellows and oranges.
Four days gone: [SPOILER ALERT] Tyler Perry is actually good!
Five days gone: f*cking men are all assholes, am I right?
Six days gone: but wait f*cking women, as well, right, can be real bitches, can’t they? Yeah. Post-feminism baitches.
Seven days gone: better than Panic Room and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but not a patch on Seven, Fight Club, The Game or (my fave) Zodiac.
Where has my David Fincher gone? Can someone free him from Oprah’s book club?
Gone Girl is on release.
For more REVIEWS click HERE!
GI Joe: Retaliation won the Easter weekend Box Office, though Tyler Perry’s Temptation also did good business despite the fact that Tyler Perry is almost universally considered a tool. Meanwhile, The Host was a disappointing debut showing that the young-adult genre is shizzle.
Top quote Ray Subbers at Box Office Mojo:
The Top 12 earned an estimated $140.8 million, which is nearly identical to the same weekend last year. The G.I. Joe sequel grossed an estimated $41.2 million this weekend, which ranks as the second-highest Easter debut ever behind 2010’s Clash of the Titans ($61.2 million). Including Thursday, the movie has earned $51.7 million; that’s a bit below G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra‘s $54.7 million three-day start in August 2009. For its three major stars, this is also a potent opening: it ranks third-highest for Channing Tatum, second-highest for The Rock, and it’s remarkably the top debut ever for a Bruce Willis movie.
Studio Exec will from now on be committed to reporting only the FACTS of Hollywood news with particular attention paid to Box Office receipts.
HOLLYWOOD – The Federation for Medical Research has confirmed that exposure to the work of African American auteur Tyler Perry can lead to permanent brain damage.
Professor Robert Snow who led the five year study revealed that Perry’s effect on the brain was the equivalent of decades of sustained drug and alcohol abuse.
Think of Tyler Perry’s films as a kind of flesh eating zombie wandering around the cerebral cortex biting off chunks of grey matter” said a graphic Snow.
I remember during one particular experiment we tested the basic motor functions of a man who had abused household solvents for the last 20 years. I mean this guy used to drink paint thinner and vinegar cocktails for breakfast and yet he was able to read, write and solve basic mathematical equations .We then exposed a physically and mentally fit man to Tyler Perry’s classic double bill Why did I get Married? and Why did I get Married Too? and afterwards he exhibited all the signs and symptoms of someone who had undergone a complete frontal lobotomy. In fact the man is still in a catatonic state in our laboratory and to be honest, we’re hoping that an Indian chief suffocates him with a pillow and puts him out of his misery.
Professor Snow said he has sent his findings to all the leading scientific journals only to be accused of bad science and even worse, racism.
My methodology was sound and my conclusions will stand up to the most vigorous scrutiny “ said a vehement Snow.
As for the racism accusations. Let’s just say I’ve had sex with lots of black women and I’m a big fan of Prince so if that makes me a racist, they better get me a hood and horse and sign me up for the Klu Klux Klan!.