PAUL SCHRADER DOWNED FACEBOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.

Taxi Drivel

Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.

Paul Schrader Downs Facebook

After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.

Raging Bullshit

Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.

Bringing Out The Shit

Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.

Brown Collar

Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.

 

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS

TWITTER ADDS HARRY POTTER BUTTON

HOLLYWOOD – Twitter has added a Harry Potter button in the hope that this will attract ‘young people’ to the ailing mini-blogging site.

Twitter has added a strange lightning scar Harry Potter button which users can click on to get all their Hogwarts news of their favorite wizards and witches in real time. Tech expert Hampton Park told the Studio Exec:

They’ve been flagging for a while, Twitter. People are going back to Facebook, or if they are damaged Tumblr, or if they want to be alone Google Plus. So frankly they are flapping around to find some way of hooking new users and they are a bit out of date and so one of them came up with a Harry Potter button. Someone else wanted a Twilight one but then they got caught up in the old Team Edward and Team Jacob dichotomy.

Dichotomy?

Yeah. So then Star Wars was mentioned but they’d have to sell Twitter to buy that so Harry Potter was finally settled on, even though they are not allowed to use the name Harry Potter. That’s why they’ve called it Moments. But that isn’t the only problem. They’ve screwed up their filters so there’s lots of irrelevant stuff there. I searched for hours and I couldn’t find any Potter related content at all.

So a flop?

A muggle of a flop yes.

Muggle?

That’s Harry…You see.

Twitter were unable to comment.

EXCLUSIVE: JOSS WHEDON’S MYSPACE PAGE

HOLLYWOOD – Joss Whedon returns to the social media circus with a new MySpace page.

The internet has been in mourning for two days since Joss Whedon militant feminist and Avengers Age of Ultron director abandoned twitter, but today our dedicated Joss Whedon FACT squad were able to reveal EXCLUSIVELY that he is in fact hiding on MySpace.

Our resident tech expert Sharron Pattern ate Cheetos and said:

My God, I haven’t seen one of these since the late nineties! The workmanship is beautiful. Looking at the ancient markings.

Can you tell us what it is Sharron?

It is an archaic social media platform from the very beginning of the internet. The actual origins are lost in the mists of time, but some say young people used to use this around the time the cuneiform alphabet was in use. Whedon has gone into the deep net. Possibly to avoid criticism, possibly as part of a new film project. We do know that there are Lovecraft-like horrors living in the lower depths of MySpace. Maybe he’s going for that.

Joss Whedon’s new film MySpace in the Woods will be released in 2016. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

PATTON OSWALT TO WRITE TWITTER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Patton Oswalt has been confirmed as the writer of the much talked about Twitter movie. David Fincher will direct and Simon Pegg and Ashton Kutcher are already confirmed as protagonists the Twit twins. 

The inveterate tweeterer wrote a letter in longhand (!) to express his pleasure:

I first heard about the Twitter movie when Ridley Scott was on board and Russell Crowe was attached and I thought, ‘That’s going to be rubbish. I mean seriously? A film about Twitter? Rubbish.’ But then Ridley Scott left the project to concentrate on Monopoly and Russell Crowe was replaced by Simon Pegg and Asthon Kutcher, and David Fincher came in and he contacted me and offered me a lot of money, I thought, ‘A movie about Twitter that’s a fantastic idea!’

The casting is already under way with Pegg and Kutcher joined by Jack Black who be playing the villainous whale who the little birds have to carry around whenever Twitter isn’t working. However, there will be a lot more casting news as Patton Oswalt has promised that Twitter: the Movie will include 140 characters, no less.

Twitter: the Movie will be released in 2015.