KRISTEN STEWART GETS A BUCKET OF PENCILS FOR HER BIRTHDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart expressed perplexity at her birthday gift.

Twilight and Personal Shopper star Kristen Stewart today responded with perplexity at receiving a bucket of pencils for her 31st birthday.

Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, she said:

I mean, I don’t want to be ungrateful, but pencils? And in a bucket? It doesn’t feel like the most uhm…

Appropriate?

Yeah, I guess. Appropriate gift to be giving a thirty one year old woman. I mean uhm… what?

Maybe it’s because you are creative. Artistic like.

Uhm. Okay? I guess. But err… why in a bucket? I mean the way champagne comes in a bucket, okay that I understand. But why put pencils in a bucket?

It makes them easier to carry around. 

I suppose so. So you think I just walk around with a bucket full of colored pencils so I can do um … drawings I guess?

Or coloring in.

Coloring in. Yeah. I guess, er … that makes a bit more sense.

We kept the receipt.

You did? Oh! Wow. I don’t suppose… I mean I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything like that. But you know I can think of something else that I need.

Oh right. What?

There are these erasers that are shaped like hamburgers and they smell like them too. They’re um … neat.

Kristen Stewart will appear in Spenser soon.

 

PATRICK STEWART DISOWNS DAUGHTER, KRISTEN STEWART

 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.

SNEAK PEAK OF TAYLOR LAUTNER AS THE YOUNG HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – The Star Wars stand alone movie dealing with the young Han Solo has its star in Taylor Lautner, fresh from his success a few years ago in the Twilight series.

The news broke following the excitement of the new Force Awakens trailer and the internet went crazy. Taylor said that he is keen to hear his first fans talk about Team Han, rather than Team Jacob: ‘It’ll make a nice change.’

We asked Taylor, how he felt about the original Star Wars films:

Well, I thought the first three weren’t very good, but as soon as Han Solo and Luke Skywalker turned up they really improved. 

What have you done to prepare for the role?

I’ve worn a waistcoat and it feels quite comfortable, but I’m going to insist that at some point I take my shirt off. Otherwise, I can’t really, you know, act. Properly.  

Have you spoken to Harrison Ford and what was his reaction to the news?

Harrison’s great. He’s been real supportive. I remember my first conversation with him. He said ‘I’m just glad it ain’t that goddamn Shia LaBeouf!’ I don’t think an actor can hear more encouraging words than those.

Han Begins will be released in 2016.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE SUPPORTS DEATH GAMES

HOLLYWOOD – Forbes list top 100 header and Hunger Games actress Jennifer Lawrence came out today with a provocative argument for the alleviation of what she calls ‘the number one environmental danger: over-population’.

Continue reading “JENNIFER LAWRENCE SUPPORTS DEATH GAMES”

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER RE-IMAGINES THE MONA LISA

 PARIS – Standing gaping at the enigmatic smile of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona lisa in the Louvre; movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer was distinctly overheard planning a drastic re-imagining of the renaissance masterpiece.

21 year old Canadian backpacker Matt Walker was first on the scene to capture the blue sky thinking of the Hollywood hit machine as he brazenly discussed radical new directions for the silent 16th Century visage. Walker’s tumblr blog reports:

It was such a thrill to be there to witness the master in action, the way he works a concept, his effortless phone networking with creatives in far flung locations all over the world… awesome! just awesome! 

In a spoiler filled post, Walker fully discloses all the possible plot details of the project, highlights include:

  • Bruckheimer is insisting on full 3D IMAX treatment for a fully immersive experience.
  • A scenery cameo for Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, just over her left shoulder, creeping up and whispering ‘shhh’ to the viewer.
  • A high concept chase involving one of Da Vinci’s un-produced ‘Bat-Copter’ sketches.
  • A subplot about a troubled love affair with the Jesus Christ from Da Vinci’s Last Supper to be explored in a prequel painting.
  • The addition of a mechanical ‘Space Squid’.
Bruckheimer has since confirmed that the project is indeed being fast tracked and that he has already commissioned a few concept easels from Brett Ratner and a rough plot outline from Lost and Prometheus scribe Damon Lindelof
 
UPDATE: Bruckheimer has entered the sculpture section and is now brainstorming with the security guards about a Twilight style teen fantasy about a girl who falls for a statue of Roman Emperor Nero. McG is set to direct.

SYRIAN CIVIL WAR PAUSES AS KRISTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSON REUNITE

DAMASCUS – Today the guns outside Aleppo fell silent, in the Middle East Palestinian militants and Israeli settlers broke bread, children from North and South Korea met on the DMZ and danced to the sound of an old Paul McCartney record.

Is it true? Is the news really true? Are Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson back together (in time for the blu-ray release of the Twilight Saga’s final installment, Breaking Dawn: Part Two)?
 Studio Exec can exclusively reveal – along with much of the world’s press and many thousands of internet sites – that yes someone who said something who knows someone has said that yes, the great misery guts, bong-toker and mope-face Kristen Stewart has sought and received the forgiveness of the toothsome Mr. Pattinson. President Obama and Governor Romney joined together on the lawn of the Rose Garden and Mitt – playing acoustic guitar and singing harmony – went through six of their favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.

The new Pope issued a statement saying that usually he hates young people and love and all that ‘shit’ but he has always loved K.Stew and R.Patz and was ‘stoked’ for the final film in the Mormon vampire epic.

Can this be the new dawn? The dare we say it Breaking Dawn Part Two of a new era?

Even as we write these words news has reached us that the ice caps have decided to freeze back up and scientist agree that global warming has somehow miraculously been reversed. By the power of love.