SCORSESE AGREES HBO TV SERIES: TAXI DRIVER

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese is to follow up Boardwalk Empire with a new HBO mini-series based on perhaps his most critically acclaimed film: Taxi Driver.

Original script writer Paul Schrader has already been working on scripts, but Robert de Niro has said that he won’t return in the part of Travis Bickle.

‘I think it makes a lot more sense with a new young actor playing the part,’ said De Niro.

Scorsese says the show will be set in the seventies:

We’ve worked on various scenarios and we are combining them into a three season narrative arc. We’ll begin with Travis in Vietnam for the first season and we’ll find out what made him into who we see in the original film. Then the second season will be more or less the events of the film but stretched out and with some stand alone episode where Travis goes and fights crime and what not. I’m thinking something between First Blood and Death Wish. The final season will be a series of stand alone episodes telling us what happened to Travis. Spoiler alert: he becomes a private detective. 

Taxi Driver will be broadcast in the Fall.

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 3: NOT ENOUGH SEX

 HOLLYWOOD – As Season 3 of HBO’s fantasy epic Game of Thrones reaches its midpoint, the network have been inundated with emails and tweets demanding more sex and less dragons.

‘I was one of the first to criticize show makers for their flagrant use of  sexposition in the earlier two seasons,’ said TV critic David Shankles. ‘But good God, without the sex it’s just Tolkien with cheekbones.’

Indeed this site has also been guilty of suggesting Game of Thrones tone down the nookie (READ THIS WORK OF GENIUS HERE), only to be left with the impression that the exposition with Emilia Clarke clothed is ultimately just exposition, and far too much of it. Shankles continues:

Add to this the fact that – in a wrong-headed fit of enthusiasm – I read all the books, I can now tell you [SPOILER ALERT] the story goes nowhere, slow. 

HBO executives have ordered re-shoots to counter the criticism and some voices from within the network are suggesting the dragons could have tits. Netflix spokesperson Jonathan Gollum (no relation) said that the move ‘smacked of desperation’.

They can feel us breathing down their necks as we thrust towards them from behind, again and again and again and AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!!!! Oh, I’m spent.

What do you think? Is it complete Dungeons and Dragons? Or Conan they pull it off?

HILARY SWANK’S IMMIGRANT HUNT

NEW YORK – Earlier today Showtime announced a new reality show starring Million Dollar Baby star Hilary Swank and entitled The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt.

‘The plan is simple,’ says show runner, Herman Shrinkle. ‘Hilary flies around the Mexican American border in her helicopter until she identifies some illegal immigrant, may be a family of them, and then she takes them down with a high powered rifle.’

Hilary Swank is renowned for her hatred of Human Rights and says she is looking forward to laying down some cruel and unusual punishment on their sub-human asses.

When I grew up we were kind of poor and we had to make a lot of sacrifices and I can imagine if I’d been living in a poorer country wanting to go to a richer one. But I would also have understood that by doing that I was signing a social contract that would allow a beautiful hard body Oscar winning actress to hunt me down and possibly kill me for the entertainment of fat people.

Hilary says that there will be a great deal of variety to the show.

I’ll be initially in the helicopter but we’re also going to shows where I hunt them down on foot clad in a bikini with armed with a Bowie knife. I’ll also have guests such as Steven Seagal and Anne Hathaway who will help me in securing our borders.

 The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt starts Friday.

HANNIBAL: REVIEW

HANNIBAL: REVIEW – Jesus Christ, it’s awful.

The fat guy from The Matrix teams up with Hugh English Guy blinky blinky Dancy to try and catch a bafflingly elaborate serial killer through a combination of psycho-babble and CGI rewind stuff. It’s like CSI meets… no it’s just like CSI basically. CSI: Freud. But with the arrival of Mads Bond villain Mikkelsen as the eponymous psychiatrist/cannibal now it looks set to become CSI: Dexter.

This is the kind of show where people hold entire conversations circling each other in artfully lit rooms and impossibly young experts natter routinely in crime scenes that look like they’ve been invented by a set designer who has seen a lot of serial killer movies but not many houses. The blood is CGI globular and crimson; the acting is arch when not ham and there are lines like ‘Don’t psychoanalyse me. You won’t like me when I’m psychoanalysed’ which I honestly can’t tell if they’re supposed to be laughable (i.e. comic) or if it’s just laughable (i.e. inept). Could still be fun, but not for the reasons they intended.

 

BEVERLY HILLS COP TV SERIES: WE HAVE THE CHAIRS

HOLLYWOOD – Today, the news has been coming about the new television version of Beverly Hills Cop took a step forward.

Two chairs arrived on set with the names of the actors who are playing Foley fils and Foley père written on the back so there are no mistakes and no one sits on the wrong chair by mistake.
Barry Sonnenfeld – who is on board to direct the pilot episode and has begun filming last Friday – said that the chairs would save time and money:

It’s really going to make things a lot easier. Brandon, if he wants to sit down will see the chair with Brandon T. Jackson and he’ll be able to sit there confident that no one is going to say to him, are you sitting in my chair?

Brandon T. Jackson commented:

We’re very excited about this development in the production. One thing I particularly love is I’m a real fan of the original and of course very happy to work with Mr. Murphy and if you see the chairs are actually quite close together. I won’t say I’m going to put a hand on his arm while I’m making a point or asking his advice, but I probably will.

Eddie Murphy – who Forbes recently reported was the highest paid film star who makes the steamiest shittiest pile of shit movies of shit – said: ‘I’m not sitting it that chair. Not ever, not once. Get that Goddam thing out of my sight.’