ORLANDO BLOOM TO STAR IN THE WIRE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following botched attempts by Jason Segel and Harmony Korine to turn the famed HBO show into a movie, The Wire is finally coming to the big screen, now directed by Cameron Crowe and starring Orlando Bloom.

The We Bought a Zoo director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec about the project:

I’m a huge fan of the show, I mean who isn’t, and I knew that David [Simon] had written a script and was looking for someone to take it on. At first he was worried about my approach but I told him that I would honor his work and the city and people of Baltimore and the many social issues which his work touches on. Then I rewrote the script.

What changes did you make?

Everyone knows The Wire can be a little depressing and I don’t mind a little bit of depressing as long as there’s a resolution and a shot of everyone hugging in the rain. Oh and gentle humor. Oh and we changed the setting from Baltimore.

 To?

Paris, France.

Uhm…

McNulty, played by Orlando Bloom, has fallen in love with fellow police officer Kima Greggs, played by Zoe Saldana.

But isn’t she a lesbian?

They fall in love during an undercover operation.’You had me at crack.’ Beautiful line. And they’re married now and on their honeymoon in Paris. Where they meet Bubbles (Chris Rock) who has cleaned up, straightened out and is working for the American government as a spy. A drug deal – a French connection if you will…

 I won’t. 

…is going down and Bubbles, Kima and McNulty must stop while at the same time rescuing Bunk (Tracy Morgan) who has been kidnapped by Le Boss (Mathieu Amalric).

The Wire will be released in 2015.

MARK RUFFALO TO PLAY COLUMBO

HOLLYWOOD – Following a sustained and prolonged 24 hour Twitter campaign, Mark Ruffalo ceded to the will of the people and declared he would be playing Columbo in an upcoming movie, possibly scripted and directed by the Coen Brothers.

Mr. Ruffalo initially was caught off guard by the suggestion made in a tweet by Gary Whitta, a screenwriter famous for Book of Eli. Ruffalo said he had to finish another remake of Woman Under the Influence, in which he will also take on the Peter Falk role. This will be part of Ruffalo’s extended preparation process which saw him play Edward Norton off Broadway before essaying the Hulk in The Avengers.

Ruffalo, who appeared in Foxcatcher as the Incredible Hulk, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve always been a huge fan of the television series. I thought Peter Falk was magnificent in his crumpled genius. He is an Everyman often finding crime in places where he is despised. I really can’t wait to get on the rain coat, practice my squint and say the immortal line, ‘Oh I almost forgot, just one more question.’


Columbo will be released whenever Twitter wants.

OBAMA RESPONDS TO JON VOIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has responded to Oscar winning actor Jon Voight who attacked him earlier this week on Fox News show Huckabee. Voight read a statement criticizing the President on Iraq, Benghazi and immigration, as well as tearing up about the next generation and bringing back America. 

The White House issued the following statement on behalf of the President:

I respect Mr. Jon Voight for his wonderful performances in Deliverance and Midnight Cowboy, and I absolutely defend his right to express his criticism of my administration. However, let me say this. I have also seen Ray Donovan and that I didn’t like so much. I’m not a TV critic but it seemed to me sub-par. Now Mr. Voight brought up some very important questions about our relationship with Israel, but I have to say his appearance on Lara Croft, Mission Impossible, Transformers and Pearl Harbor have all been one note and frankly forgettable. So yes Jon, let’s open a dialogue about immigration, but let’s also remember that you voiced one of the main characters of Bratz: the Movie and that, my friend, is what history will remember.

Jon Voight was unavailable for comment.

GEORGE LUCAS TO DIRECT ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Director and action figure salesman George Lucas has signed on to direct a movie version of the popular Netflix prison drama Orange is the New Black.

“I’ve been looking for a change of direction and I figured a drama set in a female prison was as far away from ‘that franchise’ as I could possibly go,” said a serious Lucas.

“I know the critics think I’m a one trick pony and I didn’t used to mind but the older I got, the more I’ve realised that I got caught up in the whole science fiction/fantasy adventure genre. I followed the money when I should have stayed true to myself but from now on, you’re going to see a new George Lucas.”

Asked how the movie version of OITNB will fit in with series, Lucas revealed he intends to make subtle changes:

“The movie will be set in Litchfield prison but the prison will be more of a penal colony on an outlying moon of a distant planet in a galaxy far, far away.  The characters, essentially, will remain the same but in my version Alex Vause is half human/half sex cyborg. Crazy Eyes is a four-headed reptilian creature with eight ‘Crazy Eyes’ and Red is a giant talking chicken.”

Asked who the main villain of the piece will be, Lucas assured fans they wouldn’t be disappointed:

“Of course it’s Pornstache. We couldn’t really improve on that character but we thought giving him a racist robot sidekick would open up the potential for more comedic moments. We’ve got Gilbert Gottfried in to voice him and he’s had us in stiches. He tells one joke about two Rastafarian lesbians at a fancy dress party. Man, I nearly shit my pants.”

Orange is the New Black: The Movie is due for release in 2015.