HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp has an unrecognizability clause in his contract, it was revealed today.

Noted children’s entertainer and one time actor Johnny Depp has a special ‘unrecognizability clause’ in his contract which states:

Johnny Depp (hereafter the ARTIST) must be made up and costumed in such a way as to make reviewers and critics write something along the lines of ‘Johnny Depp is unrecognizable in the role’. This must be done no matter how distracting the make up and costume might be to the story and the ARTIST must be allowed to go home in the costume and visit hospitals, children’s parties etc.

Although insiders tell the Studio Exec that this part of the contract is not always enforced, Depp insists that it is always present should he feel the urge. Black Mass, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Lone Ranger, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Tusk all fell victim to the clause.

The most recent film in which the clause was not enforced – Transcendence – was largely seen as a flop and has only hardened Depp’s insistence on being unrecognizable. However, legal expert Morty Penn told the Exec that the clause has very little validity.

You see, the problem is once you become known for appearing unrecognizable then it’s precisely your ostentatious disguise which makes you so obviously you. It becomes your trademark.

Tim Burton, Johnny Depp’s best friend and many believe his enabler, says that he believes Depp’s method is due to his childhood:

When you’re a child you want to dress up and pretend to be someone else. That is in what essence acting is. And that is what Johnny does. And he does it well. He tries to go away and do something else – like the Rum Diary – but then he comes back to me weeping and begging me to put a ton of make up on him and dress him up as a banana or something.

Alice Through the Looking Glass will be released in 2016.


TUSK: REVIEW – Based on a Podcast, a roaming journalist Wallace (Justin Long) at a loss for a story tracks down an old eccentric, Howard Howe (Michael Parks), with a weird story to tell about shipwreck, survival and a horrible obsession with a Walrus.

Kevin Smith is the kind of director who gets drunk, or high, and shoots the shit with his pals and has one of those ideas and everyone’s laughing because it’s so crazy and funny and stupid, but when Kevin Smith wakes up in the morning and finds the notes he scrawled on the napkins and the bar mats, where most of us would toss them and reach for Advil, Smith sits at his computer and begins to diligently turn them into a screenplay. As Dr. Jeff Goldblum might say, ‘You were so preoccupied with working out if you could, you never thought about if you should.’

The result is Tusk, a horror-comedy where the horror is silly and unscary and the comedy is horrifyingly bad. Michael Park, who was so good in Smith’s Red State, is once more asked to carry the film, and though a fine actor really does need better material than this whimsical fart gas.  The presence of Johnny Depp doing one of his ‘comic turns’ as a rogue Canadian police officer only adds to the feel that this is far more about the cast and crew having a gas, than any idea of telling a story for a potentially interested audience. It’s so indulgent I imagine everyone got fat making it. The most frightening moment is seeing how weird that little kid from The Sixth Sense looks as an adult. In fact, a better film might have been focussed on him alone and how he deals with having to live in a world where Bruce Willis is no longer dead.

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