DARREN ARONOFSKY DIRECTING CLIPPY BIOPIC

BREAKING NEWS – The Studio Exec goes on set with Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie. We managed to catch up with the Requiem For A Dream and Mother! writer / director to get the latest on his new project. With Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie, we find out what drew him to this surprising project.

Darren Aronofsky Directing Clippy? Thanks For Taking Time Out To Talk With The Exec

To be honest, I’m glad to have something else to do. I’m just sat there on set, twiddling my fucking thumbs.

Why Is That?

We decided to make Clippy a combination of stop-animation and CGI. There’s fuck-all for me to do. It’s just people running around with green body-suits on and plasticine. Actually, it’s kinda sexy, now I think about it.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Movie?

Yeah, why not? Who Cares? It tells the story of Clippy. Everyone over the age of 35 will remember that little motherfucker popping up on your computer and saying, ‘It looks like you’re trying to write a letter. Would you like some help?’ It’s a story about someone compelled to just be annoying because he’s constantly shunned for mansplaining every time he opens his mouth. It’s a story about toxic masculinity that leads him down a path of alienation and self-destruction. If you think The Wrestler meets Requiem For A Dream, but set in an animated kids world, you can’t go far wrong.

Jesus.

Yeah, he’s also in it. The main part of the film tells the story we all know. But then, things get really fucked up and trippy in the last third of the movie. You know, like they did in Mother! There’s all sorts of creepy, pseudo-religious images because Clippy is wandering the digital wastelands. He’s searching for redemption and meaning in his now redundant life. It’s an age old tale. I guess we all grow old and insignificant and because of that, we assign meaning where there isn’t any. It’s like T.S Eliot said, ‘I will show you meaning in a handful of dust.’

You Kinda Lost Me There?

Look, just plug the fucking movie, because it’s got loads of CGI shenanigans going on. Think Wallace and Gromit meets Angel Heart with a bit of Tron thrown in and you’re basically there.

Clippy The Movie Is Due To Be Released Next Year

PAUL SCHRADER DOWNED FACEBOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.

Taxi Drivel

Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.

Paul Schrader Downs Facebook

After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.

Raging Bullshit

Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.

Bringing Out The Shit

Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.

Brown Collar

Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.

 

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS

EMPIRE TO REASSESS ITS SWITCH LOCATION POLICY

WASHINGTON – Empire issues order to review all switch locations.

The Galactic Empire has announced that it is to review how it locates its switches at all major facilities, following a recent attack on the planet of Scarif. The Grand Moff Tarkin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via hologram:

It’s obvious that following the last incursion by the rebel scum that we are making it far too easy for them. The attack on Scarif was facilitated by what can only be described as a random distribution of important switches and control panels around the main base. Some of them were even outside armored bunkers. When surely inside would have been a better option. We’ve tried putting some vital controls on the end of gantries high above the ground, hoping that any rebel might get dizzy but to be honest they seem to enjoy the challenge. Still, I’m confident we’ll overcome them.

On another note, how do you feel about your CGI enhancements?

It’s becoming quite a club, isn’t it? Tron’s Jeff Bridges, the young Arnold Terminator, the dead-eyed children of Polar Express, we’ve all been Zemeckised! I can’t say I’m over the moon. But that isn’t a moon anyway. It’s a space station.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story out now.

 

TRON 3 GETS TITLE AND SYNOPSIS

LOS ANGELES – Having redefined the word ‘excitement’ with his spectacular Tom Cruise film Oblivion, Joseph Kosinski is returning to the field of his greatest triumph Tron Legacy and talking exclusively to Studio Exec about Tron 3.

We met Kosinski at a mall where he was looking after five dogs of different breeds, and boy were they lively:

I redefined the word ‘excitement’ with Oblivion and with Tron Legacy, I redefined the words ‘Legacy’ and I like to think also ‘Tron’. So with the next one I was thinking what words can I redefine and then I had it. Tron iPad. Sit Bellamy! Cut that out Hernadez!

What’s the film about?

You’re a good boy, Professor Woofles, yes you are! Oh sorry, yes. Our hero Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund) is back but Quora (Olivia Wilde) has been kidnapped by Siri (Penelope Cruz) and forced to give out information about local cinema opening times. Flynn has to go into the iPad and negotiate the Apps in order and free the slave army of Chinese workers who – and not a lot of people know this – spend their lives in miserable conditions actually inside the iPad making it working with electrical flashes.

You’re a genius!

I like to think I’ve redefined the word ‘genius’ so that it includes me.

Tron iPad will be released in 2016.