MARK WAHLBERG PAID MONEY TO APPEAR IN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Shock waves hit Hollywood today as it was revealed that Mark Wahlberg is actually paid to appear in films.

Reaction came when news broke that Mark Wahlberg received over a million dollars to film extra scenes for Ridley Scott’s All the Money in the World. At first there was consternation that the money was so much more than co-star Michelle Williams, who received less than $1000 for the same time. However, after the news sunk in, it became apparent that someone had buried the lead.

Xavier Poulis – Hollywood expert – told the Exec:

There had always been an understanding that Mark Wahlberg was turning up and doing what he was doing on set just as a favor to someone who liked Marky Mark. The fact that he actually gets paid is unbelievable. It’s as if someone somewhere thinks he’s an actor. And he receives so much too… that part blew my mind.

But surely they say he’s paid that money and then quietly take it back?

One would hope that’s the case. I mean, are we encouraging Wahlberg to act in movies? It’s bad enough he does it, but the fact he’s rewarded for it is unfathomable.

Is what?

Unfathomable.

Oh I get it. Unfathomable.

We really need to ask, did someone pay Wahlberg for the Transformers movies as well? Or that Gambler film he did? How far down the rabbit hole do we go?

There’s a rabbit hole?

It’s an expression, SE! Jesus.

Will this continue?

Hopefully no. Just imagine if we took all that money that had been wasted on Wahlberg and gave it to someone who needs it like Will Smith.

I think Will Smith is pretty well paid.

What the fuck….?

All the Money in the World is on release.

 

SHIA LABEOUF DOESN’T GET ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf did not get arrested yesterday, reports confirm.

Transformers and American Honey actor, Shia LaBeouf didn’t spend the night in a jail cell after having not been arrested in the early hours of Saturday morning. He was not seen in a state of public intoxication, nor was he approached by police officers. He failed completely to abuse them verbally and was not restrained. It was not part of an art installation and he has not apologized this morning.

He did not say:

I have let down my fans and I want to say I am deeply sorry for any offence my actions caused. I’ve been working really hard and I have this bad back. The medication for my back had a bad effect on the beers I had at a friend’s birthday party. I’m sorry about that.

That statement was not released. Co-star and friend Megan Fox did not offer her sympathies. She didn’t say:

Shia is going through a lot at the moment and more than anything he needs everyone to step back a bit and give the guy some room.

Shia La Beouf will not be seen in Krispy Face Slap which isn’t released in 2018.

REVIEW – TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT

REVIEW – TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT – Michael Bay’s latest installment in the Transformers comes to the screen starring Anthony Hopkins and Mark Wahlberg.

Everyone said it was crap so it didn’t go and see it. A bit like The Mummy.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

MICHAEL BAY PROMISES ‘A NEW TRANSFORMERS FILM EVERY SINGLE YEAR’ BECAUSE HE HATES PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay has promised to make a new Transformers film every single year, ‘because I don’t like people’.

With the release of Transformers: Last Knight hopes ran high that this might be the last, but director Michael Bay was quick to nix that particular sunbeam. He spoke with Studio Exec this morning:

Every time I do a Transformers movie chatter starts about how this might be the last. I’m getting sick of it. Anthony Hopkins said I was a genius. A genius. Sir Anthony Hopkins! But I get no respect. None. So I’ve decided every year I’ll make a new Transformers film. I’ll do a spin off first: Bumblebee. Then I’ll do another chapter of the main saga. Transformers colon then a word or phrase like Annihilation or Armageddon or Pink Helmet. And on and on. And you can’t stop me. You hear? No one can. Because I’m a genius!

Why do you hate people?

They’ve always been against me. They hated Pain and Gain. All of them. They screwed up my presentation when the autocue wouldn’t work. They pretend they don’t like Transformers, but then they go and see them. I can tell what they’re up to when I leave the room. Even Megan Fox hates me. Megan Fox! So screw them. That’s what I say.

Anthony Hopkins apologized to everyone.

I didn’t realize what a monster I had created. I was only trying to be nice. But Micharl Bay seemed nervous and he’s very sensitive to criticism so I said he was a genius.

Transformers: Pink Helmet will be released in 2019.

 

MICHAEL BAY IS TO REMAKE BARRY LYNDON

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon.

Barry Lyndon is a classic of cinema and will finally get a remake. Transformers and Pearl Harbor director Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of William Thackery’s novel of the same name. Longtime Kubrick fan, Bay spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I love all of Kubrick’s work, but Barry Lyndon for me is the film that most completely sums up the potential of cinema. It is a subtle and beautiful, frequently moving achievement. Technically masterful, there is a tone of melancholy about the story of the young Irish rogue who rises through the English aristocracy only to fall again. The composition, the use of light and color, the performances. The great use of Thackery’s own words in Michael Horden’s narration… everything is almost cinematic perfection.

So what are you going to bring to the remake?

First of all, my version is going to be updated. Set in 2018, Andrew Garfield plays Barry. He comes to Los Angeles just as massive robots invade the Earth. Bang, bang, crash, crash. Candlelight. You get the picture.

Barry Lyndon: 2018 will be released in 2018.

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THE TRANSFORMERS: LAST KNIGHT TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The latest installment of the Transformers series is approaching with the first trailer for Transformers: Last Knight.

The fifth film in the Transformers franchise is due out. Seeing Mark Wahlberg in his second attempt at being less interesting than Shia LaBeouf, big robots turn into cars and stuff. The trailer got over a million sum hits which only makes Donald Trump’s election more understandable. So what did we learn about the new film from the trailer?

Nothing. I didn’t watch it.

For more Movie News, Click Here.

ROBERT DE NIRO JOINS SHIA LABEOUF FOR #ALLMYMOVIES

NEW YORK – At the Angelika theatre in New York, Shia LaBeouf has been joined by Robert de Niro to watch the rest of Shia LaBeouf’s movies back to back in a marathon.

Robert de Niro showed up at the Angelika theater today in New York today to join Shia LaBeouf in his marathon of Shia LaBeouf movies the #AllMyMovies event.

Mr. De Niro spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his participation in what is being billed as either the most interesting art project of the century or alternatively the moment the new millennium disappeared up its own asshole:

 Shia LaBeouf is the most interesting actor of his generation and I am not going to just be a part of the project, I also want to actually see his Transformers trilogy again.

What fascinates you about Shia?

In a word his range. He has such an incredible range. Look at Bobby and then look at what he does in Fury. Or look at Disturbia and compare it to his role Nymphomaniac. And it isn’t only me, I don’t know a serious actor who doesn’t greatly esteem Shia. The new film that Daniel Day Lewis is making about Shia…

That’s still happening?

Oh absolutely, but you know Daniel. He wants to be absolutely perfect. Especially because it’s Shia. He is more committed to this than he ever was to Lincoln. And he loved Lincoln.

Is there anything you’d help Shia with in terms of his acting?

Are you kidding? I’m the one asking him advice. I wished he’d been there when I was making Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull. I’m sure he would have given me some good notes. I asked him the other day if he could help me with my recent performances. He said he’d seen The Intern. And he emailed me his reaction.

What did he write?

Three words: ‘Do it again’.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

TRANSFORMERS SEQUELS TITLES REVEALED

CANNES – Four new Transformers sequels are to be released over the next decade, Hasbro Chief Steven J. Davis confirmed yesterday at MIPCOM in Cannes.

During a Q&A session at the content market MIPCOM in Cannes, Davis confirmed that Transformers 5, 6, 7 and 8 are all slated to be released during the next ten years. While delegates staggered from the session, the Studio Exec managed to seize on a napkin that dropped from Mr. Davies’ pocket and which revealed EXCLUSIVELY the titles of the new films.

Although the handwriting is a little shaky and although we cannot confirm that these are the final titles, the napkin is vital evidence that the planning stages for the following films are quite advanced. The first thing to note is the excellence of the doodling. As per a toy company, there are no obscene doodles as you would expect from a normal studio exec. But there is a photo realistic depiction of a spider web replete with spider. There is a sentence at the top which has been crossed out but which nevertheless casts doubt on the involvement of Mark Wahlberg: ‘1. Get rid of Marky Mark‘ it reads. There is also a title that has obviously been cancelled. ‘Transformers: We Bought a Zoo’ most likely due to legal reasons.

The titles which remain are:

Transformers: The Optimus Menace Awakensphoto

Transformer5 and Transfurio5

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Transformers: Mockingjay and the Deathly Hallows Part 3

Transformers: Something After a Colon

 

 

 Transformers Something After a Colon will be released in 2016.

WATCHING MICHAEL BAY FILMS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER

LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.

HIDDEN GEMS 2. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

Hidden Gems is a series bringing to light little known filmic gems and rarities that have somehow managed to slip through the collective cinematic consciousness. You’re welcome. 

2001: a Space Odyssey

I know what you’re thinking: 1. I don’t like historical drama and 2. I hate classical Greek literature about assholes who take twenty odd years to navigate the Mediterranean.

But surprisingly you’d be wrong on both counts. Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey is actually what they call a ‘Science Fiction’ film which was made in 1968 when 2001 was still in the future!

And it’s in English with no lost Greeks in sight!

Okay, so that’s why not to hate this little known cult treasure but in a world where you can watch Transformers again or Avatar, why waste your time on some old clunk bucket made before CGI was invented. Well, it’s a tough one but here goes.

1. Monkeys: film starts with monkeys and you can’t get much better than that.

2. Soundtrack: not only is the music sublime, there’s the greatest version of ‘Daisy, Daisy, give me an answer do’ ever committed to celluloid.

3. A big mad brick. The story resolves around these big black bricks which basically pop up when Mr.s Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke get bored.

4. ‘Woah shit!’ bit at the end where it just goes disco biscuits all over the screen. The cinematic equivalent of spassing out and not giving a shit.

5. Zero gravity toilet. Stanley Kubrick had a one joke limit on each film and this one’s a ‘cracker’.

So to recap: a big mad brick teaches vegetarian monkeys how to eat meet, accidentally starts the arms race so another mad brick sends a bunch of astronauts to Jupiter where, after mad computer kills all but one, survivor crashes through another mad brick and grows so old he becomes a great big baby.

Magic!

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

MICHAEL BAY TALKS THE SORROW AND THE PITY REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – With Transformers: Age of Extinction ruling at the box office, Michael Bay took some time to talk to the Studio Exec about his planned remake of The Sorrow and the Pity.

The Bad Boys II director said:

It’s been a pet project of mine for years. I’ve been fascinated by the effect Nazism had on ordinary people and there’s always that ‘what if…?’ question that both Americans and probably the Brits too feel. As in what if we’d had to live under Nazi occupation?

The 1969 documentary by Marcel Orphuls reconstructs the occupation of a small French town Clermont-Ferrand and the collaboration of the Vichy government as well as the resistance of local anti-Nazis via a set of interviews. The four and a half hour documentary is considered one of the most valid cinematic responses to the experience of life under Nazism. The Rock director continued:

The good thing about having the Transformers gig is that it frees you up to do what you really want to. Look no one, no adult, wants to spend their life making films about over-sized toys destroying cities. But that 100 million we just took will go a long way to finance my fictionalized version of The Sorrow and the Pity. Already I made a sly nod to it with Pain and Gain, which you’ll notice had a something and something else title, just like Orphuls’ film. 

Michael Bay’s The Sorrow and the Pity is due out in 2016.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION SIGNALS END OF DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – The 4th film in the Transformers franchise, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction has made an unbelievable amount of money on its opening weekend and signaled the onset of the apocalypse.

As soon as the Box Office figures were published, the Seventh Seal was broken and the trumpets sounded opening the gates of Hell. Jesus – in a blaze of light – returned to the Earth and separated those who were worthy from those who had to star in a Damon Lindelof show. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Jesus said: 

We’ve been hanging around upstairs watching what has been going on. I keep saying to God, ‘Look dad, they’re ruining everything. Let’s go down and sort them out.’ But dad would say, ‘no, there is still good in them. We can save them.’ Then he saw Transformers 4 and all the people going to see it and he said, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers’ and unleashed the end of days.

So it was like a tipping point? 

Exactly. To be totally frank Hangover 3 was the tipping point, but logistics are such that we had to set everything up. I mean winding up a project like Life on Earth isn’t just something you can do in a week. 

But he created the Universe in a week? 

But he was young and full of fire in those days. He’s slowed down and has just kind of lost interest.

So ironically The Age of Extinction has in fact created the Age of Extinction. 

I suppose. I mean if irony is your thing. Anyway got to go.

 See you later. 

I don’t think so.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is currently in theaters. 

MICHAEL BAY TO RETIRE

HOLLYWOOD – The world of film was rocked today as the genius behind such films as Pearl Harbor and Pain and Gain – Michael Bay – announced that Transformers 4: Age of Extinction will be his last film as a director.

He explained his motives for taking early retirement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s partly the pressure and the relentless criticism. People see me as this arrogant blow hard who just doesn’t care, but I do care. I read all my reviews and I have to say it hurts. I care about making quality films and it has finally dawned on me that – although it’s been very difficult to admit – I’m just not as good at it as I want to be. I’m never going to make a Tokyo Story or a Last Year at Marienbad for instance. Understanding this and being in the financial position that I’m fortunately in, I’ve decided to quit while I still have time to pursue other interests.

Such as?

I really want to write a novel. I’ve been toying with loads of ideas and I think I’m ready to put pen to paper. I’d also be interested in painting.

Painting?

I know. It’s wild, isn’t it? At first I thought, I’ll never be able to paint but then I came across these kits you can buy. The canvas is already drawn for you and there are numbers in each part which correspond to the correct color. It’s all about the application.

Michael Bay will still continue to work as a producer but he says he will increasingly hands off.

I really don’t want to be around film people any more. I have my novel to write.

Can you tell us more about the novel?

I don’t want to talk it out but it’s basically autobiographical. About a misunderstood genius who has a fear of public speaking and who withdraws from the public spotlight. I can give you the title.

Go on.

It’s called Armageddon Out of Here.

Transformers Age of Extinction will still be released.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.