DANIEL DAY-LEWIS CONFIRMS SHIA: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Lincoln star, Daniel Day-Lewis is in the midst of intensive preparation for his next role, playing the actor Shia LaBeouf in David Lynch’s long-awaited epic bio-pic Shia.

The star of Last of the Mohicans, In the Name of the Father and My Left Foot, Daniel Day-Lewis spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I have been entering the character backwards. Slowly I’ve been forgetting how to act, I’ve denuded myself of charisma, I am becoming a blank canvas.

On which to paint your character?

No just a blank canvas. That’ll probably be it.

The film began initially as a dream project of Martin Scorsese but he got cold feet around the time that Transformers 4: The Age of Extinction came out.

‘How can I compete with that?’ he was heard to shriek as he ran from the theatre.

Ron Howard then came aboard and that was when Day-Lewis also found himself interested in the role (for more on that story CLICK HERE).

Howard himself was to back out, awed by the enormity of the task and now the project’s current director David Lynch is ready to begin shooting. For Lynch – whose fame today resides mainly on the rumor he once ate a squirrel – Shia will be his final film.

David Lynch said:

At first I was very nervous. I’ve played great Americans before. Abraham Lincoln, Bill the Butcher, Daniel Plainview. But could I bring myself to play the greatest American currently alive, after Adam Sandler? I don’t know. But I’m going to try. What I say quite seriously in my quiet little voice is that after Shia what else will I have to say? What else will anyone have to say?

Shia LaBeouf is currently not acting in a Broadway play because it was ‘difficult’.

Shia will be released in 2016.

WATCHING MICHAEL BAY FILMS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER

LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION SIGNALS END OF DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – The 4th film in the Transformers franchise, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction has made an unbelievable amount of money on its opening weekend and signaled the onset of the apocalypse.

As soon as the Box Office figures were published, the Seventh Seal was broken and the trumpets sounded opening the gates of Hell. Jesus – in a blaze of light – returned to the Earth and separated those who were worthy from those who had to star in a Damon Lindelof show. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Jesus said: 

We’ve been hanging around upstairs watching what has been going on. I keep saying to God, ‘Look dad, they’re ruining everything. Let’s go down and sort them out.’ But dad would say, ‘no, there is still good in them. We can save them.’ Then he saw Transformers 4 and all the people going to see it and he said, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers’ and unleashed the end of days.

So it was like a tipping point? 

Exactly. To be totally frank Hangover 3 was the tipping point, but logistics are such that we had to set everything up. I mean winding up a project like Life on Earth isn’t just something you can do in a week. 

But he created the Universe in a week? 

But he was young and full of fire in those days. He’s slowed down and has just kind of lost interest.

So ironically The Age of Extinction has in fact created the Age of Extinction. 

I suppose. I mean if irony is your thing. Anyway got to go.

 See you later. 

I don’t think so.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is currently in theaters. 

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION LOOKS AWFUL

HOLLYWOOD – Following the foray into art house esoterica that was Pain and Gain, Michael Bay returns to a comfort zone with Transformers: Age of Extinction in which big toys smash things while the brightest minds of the human race try to make Mark Wahlberg look witty.

This week we were granted a first glimpse of what delights the film might hold and the verdict is unsurprising: it looks shit. 


Whereas the first three Transformers films were known for their nuanced characterisation and stunning special effects, it looks like the fourth instalment is going with a far more low-fi approach. Forensic semiotics expert Javier Goh reports:

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m not going to be parting with my well-earned cash to see Michael Bay menace Nicola Peltz with a large fluorescent rake. Even if he does have weirdly blond hair. Where are the robots turning into cars? Where are the huge city destroying battles? And Mark Wahlberg? The only actor on the planet who can make you hanker after the line readings of Shia La Beouf!

Although harsh there is undoubted evidence that Javier’s opinions are entirely justified. Even if some Transformitons (as fans of the series prefer to be known) argue that the film will in fact be ‘okay’ and ‘not absolutely without merit’.

Transformers: Age of Extinction will be released in 2015.