MARK WAHLBERG ‘BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD’ ACCORDING TO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.

Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.

It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.

But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?

Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.

In that it’s shit.

Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’

But The Happening?

Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.

I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?

Money.

Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.

HOW MARK WAHLBERG CHANGED TEACHING FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Taking a departure from his Everyman roles in Transformers 4 and Pain and Gain, Mark Wahlberg stars as a literature professor in The Gambler and it is having a massive on the way teachers teach in schools and universities all over the country.

Prof. Josie Percheesey head of the university teacher’s association spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about Mark Wahlberg’s impact:

When The Gambler first came out in the Seventies, James Caan had some effect on teaching but not much. Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society became the model for the 90s. For years, teachers tried their damnedest to inspire students and of course if one of them committed suicide, it was considered a bonus. The new version of The Gambler however has eclipsed even that.

How?

Wahlberg is the most unlikely casting for a literature professor. His lank locks and his pallor are fine, but don’t hide his  little boy lost look of a man who has never read a book in his life. And perhaps  this is why he has connected with so many teachers. He is fresh and new. Now every teacher I know is starting the class by lying on the desk and exhaling loudly. It’s amazing.

How to teach like Mark Wahlberg.

1. Lie on the desk.

2. Begin lessons as if you’ve just had an existential epiphany.

3. Praise the  student you most want to nail and then nail them. (ALWAYS BE CLOSING).

4. Mention the subject you’re teaching only in so much as it allows you to talk about the theme of the movie.

5. Be consumed by narcissistic self-loathing and cynical about the whole point and purpose of education.

6. Make sure your students have all arrived from central casting and none of them behave like actual students, i.e. demanding an education for the massive fees they or their parents have paid. Rather they should be foils for your expert put downs.

TRANSFORMERS 4 WILL FEATURE ‘ROBOTS’

HOLLYWOOD – The new blockbuster – Transformers: Age of Extinction – will feature robots according to early reports.

Director and ‘Executive Producer’ Michael Bay spoke with Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY earlier today:

There seems to have been some confusion about the new film and I wanted to clear it up. Ask me anything, as long as they don’t include SPOILERS I’ll answer. Ha ha!

Okay. So the new film includes robots, but some of the production stills show like vehicles?

Yes. That’s because the robots are disguised as cars and vehicles, like trucks and things. 

So there aren’t any robots?

No there are robots but they can disguise themselves as cars or other vehicles.

So where are the robots?

Well the cars are robots, but they ‘transform’ into robots when they need to and otherwise people would see these giant robots…

Wow! There are giant robots?

Yeah, there are… yeah. Haven’t you seen the other films?

Yeah. Of course I have. Bits. 

Okay. Well listen. There are a bunch of Autobots which can change in to cars or robot form. And then there are Decepticons. And this film is going to be really exciting because it will be the first in the series to feature Dinobots. 

So there won’t be any cars?

Yeah. There will be cars. For the love of God. Cars and …

Robots. They’re Autobots. Right now, I get it.

Finally.

So what does Mark Wahlberg change into?

Are you f*cking kidding me? Nothing, he’s Mark Wahlberg.

No, sorry. I meant his character. What role does he play?

I told you he’s Mark Wahlberg.

Transformers: Age of Extinction will be out  June, 2014.  

IDIOT COMPLETELY MISSES MICHAEL BAY

HOLLYWOOD – Reports are coming in from the set of Transformers 4 that an idiot tried to attack Michael Bay, throwing an air conditioning unit at the Pain and Gain director’s head and missed. 

The attacker – who it has been reported was on narcotics – approached Mr. Bay in slow motion to a pumping Hans Zimmer score and then threw the large metal object towards his victim from several different angles, while a script supervisor stretched her hand towards the action and shouted a silent ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’
An eyewitness remarked:

It was terrible, really. I mean the dude totally missed. A completely lame ass throw.

A spokesman for the police department said that legally there was nothing they could do to prevent the continued filming of Transformers 4, but they would keep a very close eye on the situation ready to shut it down on the slightest excuse. Asked about the man they had taken into custody, the police chief remarked:

Oh yeah. He’s around here somewhere.  

Transformers 4 will be released in 2014.  

TRANSFORMERS 4 PLOT LEAKS IN BAY EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – The release date for Michael Bay‘s new Tranfsormers 4 movie isn’t until June 2014 but already an official plot synopsis has been released and Studio Exec has managed to obtain an email from director/producer Michael Bay to his new star Mark Wahlberg, who has been set the almost impossible task of trying to match up to the previous titans of the franchise Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox.

 

hey Marky Mark, it’s the Bayster. 
Wooooooo! Pcrsshhhhhshshhh! 
I heard from your guy that you were a bit concerned about your role in TRANSFORMERS 4 so I thought I’d reassure you. 

  1. Alan said you were worried “about the ‘acting’ involved, as you hadn’t done much ‘acting’ in the past.” No sweat man. This is the TRANSFORMERS buddy, no acting involved. Like zero. 
  2. RE. your question about character: what character? You’ll just be like you. You can use your own face and maybe we’ll change your hair, but that’s it as far as character is concerned. Oh and clothes, or what we in the Biz call ‘costume’. Don’t dizzy your little head about that technical jargon. What I’ll do is put a hard bodied blond next to you in most shots and everyone’ll be staring at her tits. They won’t even know you’re there. 
  3. Now, third point. Or point 3 as Alan called it. Plot. BOOOOOM! Hey. You are OVER THINKING this. Transformers, Decepticons, Good versus Evil, something something freedom, something something epic battle. You just get to the gym, cos you will be running around a lot. 

So I hope this has put some of your worries to rest. I’m psyched about this new film. Pschhhhhakkkakkakkkskakkkakakshhhhhhhi tinkle tinkle. Uuuuuuurammammmammamamammammbbbkkrshhhshshshshs. 
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Michael Bay      

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN TRANSFORMERS 4

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg – one of the best associate or executive producers currently working in the business – has shocked colleagues by moving in front of the camera to act in Michael Bay’s forthcoming Transformers 4.

However, it has come to light that Mr. Wahlberg is not a stranger to the limelight, having actually secretly acted in a number of films in the past. Apparently Wahlberg was in a film called Ted in which he was stood next to a teddy bear and he was also in The Fighter (according to sources) standing near Christian Bale. Some wild eyed madmen have even argued that he played the fighter of the title, but surely … was that … was there a fighter? I can’t. Scientist Johnny Harridan explains:

Mr Wahlberg is indeed an actor and has appeared in a number of films but he has a condition which is called IAS: Inductive Amnesia Syndrome. We see him and our eyes see that we see him but something goes wrong with the memory and the brain communication and we forget that we saw him. Like women forget the pain of childbirth. 

Film Critic Sorohan Shanks was less forgiving:

It’s like they taken a huge bucket filled with liquid turd and they just ladled in a bit more turd.