JOHNNY DEPP RETIRES FROM ACTING: “I WANT TO BE A CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER!”

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to retire.

Johnny Depp announced his retirement from movie acting in order to devote himself full time to being a children’s entertainer, by the name of ‘Mr Gangley’.

A friend close to Johnny Depp told Studio Exec, “Johnny didn’t like the reaction to The Rum Diary and Transcendence. Both of which he had hoped would repair some of the damage The Tourist had done, which he did as a way of getting away from the snore machine that was Public Enemies.”

Film historian and self-confessed ‘Depp-spert’, Felix Dripping argues:

Depp has actually been a children’s entertainer for some time now. First, The Mad Hatter, Jack Sparrow, Tonto, that other shit he did with Burton, none of that was actually acting. He was just putting on makeup and pulling faces and shit. Perhaps, he simply forgot how to act.

Michael Mann also had harsh words for the former Freddy Kreuger victim number 4. “For Public Enemies I gave him John Dillinger, one of the most exciting roles you can imagine. And he made him boring.”

There have long been rumours that Mr Depp was not happy with his current profession. Comments he made during an appearance on Letterman to the effect that he never watched his own films now seem to have been a warning sign. While filming Pirates 4 he took time off to visit a local school and entertain the kids, telling the director Rob Marshall to “go fuck yourself.”

From now on, he will go by the name of Mr Gangley and is declaring himself available for children’s parties. He is offering magic tricks, balloon animals, improv character pieces (no pirates) and ventriloquism with his new monkey friend, Jimmy Spangles.

Johnny Depp’s last film will be Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

WALLY PFISTER HAS A FUNNY NAME

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed late last night that cinematographer and film director Wally Pfister has a ‘funny name’. The news partly explained the poor performance of his new film Transcendence.

One theater goer said:

I wanted to see the new Johnny Depp movie, but my boyfriend said we couldn’t go to see a movie directed by a man with that name. I mean it’s too funny. So we went to see Heaven is Real. Which isn’t.

Industry analyst and Swiss film critic Xavier Poulis observed:

The problem with Wally’s name is that he has what we in the Biz call a double whammy. First he’s called Wally, which in British English means dumb ass. Then the Pfister, which is both weirdly spelled and reminds everyone of fisting. Which is a sexual act that is as funny as it is gross. I mean I think.

But isn’t it unfair to persecute a man just because he has… no I’m sorry I can’t help it … Wally Pfister. Ha ha ha. 

Nobody wants to dismiss anyone only because of…

 Wally PFISTER!!!

Transcendence is currently in theaters!