ACCIDENTAL LOVE IMPOSSIBLE TO SATIRIZE

HOLLYWOOD -Today studio heads were rejoicing at the creation of the first impossible to satirize movie: Accidental Love.

Here at the Studio Exec Bungalows, we pride ourselves on our ability to rip the merry socks off any obsequeious bile that Hollywood cares to spew but Accidental Love the new rom-com starring Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal is just too… I mean I can’t… I mean look at the Goddamned poster.

The synopsis reads:

The film follows Alice Eckle (Jessica Biel), a somewhat naïve roller-skating waitress in a small Indiana town, who is about to get engaged to her trooper boyfriend, Scott (James Marsden). At the fancy Gondola restaurant when Alice has an engagement ring on her finger, a clumsy workman accidentally shoots her in the head with a nail gun.

Seconds before the nail is removed the surgeons are forced to abandon the operation due to Alice’s lack of health insurance, leaving the nail lodged in her head and causing strange erratic behaviour. Her fiancé, Trooper Scott, then has a change of heart on their marriage, feeling the nail embedded in his wife-to-be’s head will cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Alice then heads to Washington D.C. to meet the charming but rather clueless Congressman Howard Birdwell (Jake Gyllenhaal) who has vowed “to help all the people”. So Alice ventures to Washington D.C. to petition for his introducing a health care bill. When the two meet sparks fly, and they realize that their love could interfere with what they stand for.

They use the word ‘wacky’.

God help us. God help us all. 

ORLANDO BLOOM TO STAR IN THE WIRE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following botched attempts by Jason Segel and Harmony Korine to turn the famed HBO show into a movie, The Wire is finally coming to the big screen, now directed by Cameron Crowe and starring Orlando Bloom.

The We Bought a Zoo director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec about the project:

I’m a huge fan of the show, I mean who isn’t, and I knew that David [Simon] had written a script and was looking for someone to take it on. At first he was worried about my approach but I told him that I would honor his work and the city and people of Baltimore and the many social issues which his work touches on. Then I rewrote the script.

What changes did you make?

Everyone knows The Wire can be a little depressing and I don’t mind a little bit of depressing as long as there’s a resolution and a shot of everyone hugging in the rain. Oh and gentle humor. Oh and we changed the setting from Baltimore.

 To?

Paris, France.

Uhm…

McNulty, played by Orlando Bloom, has fallen in love with fellow police officer Kima Greggs, played by Zoe Saldana.

But isn’t she a lesbian?

They fall in love during an undercover operation.’You had me at crack.’ Beautiful line. And they’re married now and on their honeymoon in Paris. Where they meet Bubbles (Chris Rock) who has cleaned up, straightened out and is working for the American government as a spy. A drug deal – a French connection if you will…

 I won’t. 

…is going down and Bubbles, Kima and McNulty must stop while at the same time rescuing Bunk (Tracy Morgan) who has been kidnapped by Le Boss (Mathieu Amalric).

The Wire will be released in 2015.