NICOLAS CAGE AND TOM HANKS REVEAL THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON

HOLLYWOOD – Nicolas Cage revealed today that he is also Tom Hanks.

The news rocked the world of show business today that Tom Hanks and Nicolas Cage are in fact one and the same person. The star of Con Air and Philadelphia announced the news via Tumblr.

For many years I have lived a lie. A part of my life I dedicated to making top class entertainment, and with the rest of it I was Tom Hanks. Initially I intended Hanks to be a short term project, but as I found to my astonishment success in films like Big and Forest Gump, I decided to continue. At times the workload reached unbelievable and almost unbearable proportions. I appeared in over twenty films in one year and then I had to do the Tom Hanks ones as well. Add to this TV appearances and having to be a father and husband and you can imagine the strain.

I shall continue to be Tom Hanks in the future, but I have decided that I can no longer keep up the pretense that I am actually two people when I am one. Cage. I’d also point out that I used no make up or wigs, or any other subterfuge beyond answering to a different name. It frankly baffled me that no one noticed.

Nicolas Cage
Tom Hanks

Seasoned Cage watcher Valeria Ahem told the Studio Exec:

This was coming for years. Anyone who’s watched Cage knew there were gaps of several hours when a new film wasn’t coming out. What was he doing in those missing minutes? Theories abounded and now we know.

Nicolas Cage is appearing in Toy Story 4.

TOY STORY 4 TO MERGE WITH THE LEGO MOVIE 2

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited sequel Toy Story 4 will also be The Lego Movie 2, Pixar Animation Studios announced today.

John Lasseter, who will co-direct the film, spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re working on the script, but right from the get go we realized that the Toy Story universe and the Lego Movie universe are essentially the same universe, so we want to incorporate the two and make one huge toy universe in which almost anything can happen. At first everyone thought I was crazy, but I had just one word: merchandizing.

So what’s the story?

Story? Oh yeah, story. Well basically, Emmet Brickowski (Chris Pratt) has decided to take a holiday in Old West Land where he meets the Lego version of Woody (Tom Hanks). The two become friends but Woody gets hit on the head and suddenly remembers that there is a whole world out there with Andy and Buzz Lightyear and his friends. The world they’re living in is a construct. A kind of Maatrix based on capitalistic exploitation of childhood imagination.

Heavy.

Absolutely. We’ve all been reading Thomas Piketty and the guy has a point. In fact we brought him in to do a rewrite. Anyway, Woody – with Emmet’s help escapse Old West Land and goes to Sci-Fi Planet where he meets up with Lego Buzz and Batman, who are best buddies.  They all journey through a series of worlds until finally they make it to the real world where they discover that Andy has grown up and is now a middle aged man. He is [SPOILER] President Business (Will Ferrell).

Post modern.

I know. That’s basically Miller and Lord and Piketty. President Business is merging everything into bigger and bigger conglomerates, stifling originality and turning out an endless repetition of instant nostalgia to keep us all in a state of suspended immaturity. Essentially, he’s Disney.

Hey, but you’re Disney?

I know. This is going to be the most honest self evaluation since Saint Augustine.

Jesus.

No, I said Saint Augustine.

The Toy Lego Story Movie 6 will be out in the Summer.

 

TOY STORY 4 WILL BE LIVE ACTION

HOLLYWOOD – John Lasseter announced yesterday that Toy Story 4, the unwanted sequel to the perfect Toy Story trilogy will be Pixar’s first live action film.

Lasseter spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We are very excited in doing new things at Pixar. A few years ago we wouldn’t have even contemplated doing sequels, with the exception of Toy Story, now it seems like we do nothing but. Anyhoo, in the spirit of wanting to do stuff we’ve never done before I thought: what if we did a live action film?

Will it be the same cast?

Yeah, I mean no. Not really. The idea is that Woody and Buzz are really old now. So I thought we could have Clint Eastwood play Woody and George Clooney could play Buzz Lightyear. After all, he’s got the suit from Gravity already and his voice is exactly the same as Tim Allen’s and let’s face it Tim’s not so easy on the eye. I mean Home Improvement? He could do with some face improvement! Ha ha ha ha. No, that’s not really funny.

What do you say about the reaction many people have had?

That they think Toy Story 4 is a great idea?

Uhm. No. That they think you’re tinkering with perfection.

Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s why I’m doing it.

Come again?

I have been studying the Navajo culture. And they have an idea that really struck me. The idea is that if something is perfect it takes part of your soul. So you have to make sure that anything you create isn’t perfect. There has to be inbuilt imperfection. Well, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and 3 are kind of perfect. And the funny thing is, I feel like my soul has been going. I don’t understand. Ever since I started working for Disney. It’s like it’s being chipped away from inside. So I’m going to make the trilogy an imperfect quadrology.

That’s crazy.

Is it? Francis Ford Coppola’s soul shrank and shrank. Then he made Godfather Part III and boom! You should see the size of his soul now. It’s boggling.

Toy Story 4 will be released in 2017.