HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg has signed on to star in a remake of Colin Farrell’s Total Recall, it was announced today.

The 2012 sci-fi action thriller Total Recall directed by Len Wiseman is to be remade starring Mark Wahlberg in the iconic role of Douglas Quaid made famous by Colin Farrell.  Based on the Philip K. Dick short story ‘We Can Remember it for you Wholesale’, the film will in fact be the third iteration of the tale, with an Arnold Schwarzenegger version released in 1990 and directed by Paul Verhoeven.

Mark Wahlberg spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his new project.

I’ve made several remakes in the past. I made the remake of The Italian Job. Contraband was a remake. And of course I starred in perhaps the best film of my career thus far, the remake of Planet of the Apes, which many people to this day come up to me and tell me is better than the original version. So when I watched Total Recall with Colin Farrell, I felt here’s something I could do much better while finding something more original.

Why don’t you simply remake the 1990 Total Recall?

I think that I will eventually. But I would like to remake Colin Farrell’s version as the first step. And then perhaps, I could go to the 1990s well. The thing is my hope, my dream, is that someone will remake my version of Total Recall and so we begin this endless regression.

But that’s crazy. Do you really think someone is going to remake a film you’ve remade only just recently?

Ahem. Planet of the Apes.

Oh. Right. Erm. Yeah.

It doesn’t matter. Every period has its genres. Westerns in the thirties, gangster films in the forties. The new millennium it’s remakes. That’s the genre. I mean we’re doing it really cheaply. We’re going to have Len direct again and Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale will ‘reprise’ their roles. In fact, we’ll just use out takes and alternative angles when I don’t have to be in the shot. We even talked about just digitally putting my head on Colin Farrell so that would be an option. I doubt anyone will care or notice.

Total Recall will be released in 2018.


DUBLIN – No living actor can lay claim to so many duff movies as Colin Farrell, with the occasional glimmer of gold amongst the dross (In Bruges), but now redemption holds out a hand in the form of a role in the second season of True Detective.

I met Colin over a breakfast of poached Guinness, two slices of Guinness, two rashers of Guinness fried in cow’s Guinness, all washed down with a couple of large mugs of piping hot Guinness to talk to him about his ‘career’.

So Colin. Total Recall. What the f*ck?

Yeah. Sorry about that. You know, I think what it was was… 

And Alexander?

Now that was all Oliver Stone’s fault, the hairy eye-browed bastard told me…

And Phone Booth, and S.W.A.T., and The New World, and…

Now listen here I was good in Saving Mr. Banks.

You were awful in Saving Mr. Banks. And you were basically playing yourself.

In Bruges, Minority Report, Seven Psychopaths?

But that makes me even more angry. If you can be good, why be so bad so often? 

My heart isn’t in it, I suppose. Hasn’t been since Ballykissangel. Did you ever see Ballykissangel? It was the True Detective of gentle Irish dramedy.

Okay. True Detective

Ah, True Detective. The Ballykissangel of gritty philosophically inclined serial killer drama. 

Is it? 

I spoke with Nic Pizzolatto and he told me that he thinks I’m ready for my version of the McConaissance. Really? Yeah. We haven’t worked out what to call it yet, but I’m leaning towards the re-Farrell-birth.

True Detective: Season 2 broadcasts in 2015. For more Breakfast with Assholes Click Here.