VENICE AND TORONTO FILM FESTIVALS TO MARRY AND HAVE BABIES

HOLLYWOOD – The Venice Film Festival and the Toronto International Film Festival will be marrying and having children, it was learned today

Alberto Barbera unveiled the lineup to the 72nd Venice Film Festival this morning, and in doing so he also stated that the event will be getting together with its archrival the Toronto International Film Festival and marrying sometime in October:

We want to have beautiful babies and I believe the time has come to put our differences aside and get down and dirty and produce progeny that will shock the world.

The announcement has come as a shock as the two festivals have always competed for movies and often argue about the type of thing a festival should do. Toronto has played the field—a promiscuous beast gladly accepting streams of lovers into her arms without much care for quality. She has also been more than happy to take Venice’s leftovers, but in recent years she has grown jealous and wont to grab anything Venice has written an artful sonnet to.

Toronto chief Cameron Bailey confirmed the news via Skype:

We got together early in the summer to see if we could organize things so we wouldn’t overlap so much. We had some wine. Then some grappa, and one thing led to another. Why always be fighting and grappling? There’s room enough for both of us and we’re both so beautiful. Imagine the gorgeous offspring that will fill the world with cinematic love.

Venice has three adult children from a former marriage with Cannes. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE TORONTO INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL

TORONTO – The Studio Exec FACT Squad have crossed the border into Canada and are even now rooting out FACTS from the country that invented spinach on the occasion of the Toronto International Film Festival.

  1. The Toronto Film Festival was first held in 1832. It lasted three days and consisted of the participants wondering what film was and then realizing it didn’t exist and disbanding.
  2. Rapidly becoming one of the most important international film festivals, the Toronto International Film Festival is still a relatively young event in the cinema calendar and if it comes into a restaurant where Cannes and Venice are eating is routinely ignored, as they talk among themselves and laugh loudly much to Toronto’s discomfort.
  3. Popularly known as Tiff, no one knows where this name came from, but the best theory is that during an early edition of the festival David Puttnam and Ridley Scott had an argument, known in British English as a Tiff and the name stuck.
  4. Cameron Bailey is the current artistic director of the festival and states that he is a fan of singing and rain, but strangely despises Singing in the Rain, calling it ‘too easy’.
  5. Toronto is known as the “festival of festivals”, collecting some of the best films screened at other festivals around the world. In recent years it has bagged some prestigious world premiers of its own including Crash, The Silver Linings Playbook and Taken 2.

The Studio Exec is brilliant and everyone should realize it. For more FACTS click here.

 

NEXT YEAR TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL TO TAKE PLACE IN CANADA

TORONTO – The Toronto International Film Festival has just concluded with Steve McQueen’s 12 Years a Slave pipping Riddick to the post for the top honors, but organizer Cameron Bailey has already unveiled a series of ambitious new plans for next year’s festival.

A tired looking Bailey spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and this is what he had to say: 

The first thing we’re going to change is the location. Toronto is a nice enough country but it’s really small and being wedged in-between Canada and Alaska like this … it’s kind of uncomfortable so we’re going to move the festival to Canada and just have done with it. But don’t worry: we’ll be keeping the name. 

What other changes can we expect to see?

The date. Few people know this but TIFF got its name not as an acronym but because we had a tiff (or an argument) with the Venice Film Festival and that’s what led to our overlapping schedules. But it’s ludicrous and childish, so from now on we’re going to start on the last Wednesday in August and go on for about ten days.

But doesn’t that mean you’ll actually overlap completely with the Venice Film Festival?

Does it? I never thought of that. Ha ha. Well, what do you know.

The quality of the films has gone up. How do you intend to maintain that high level?

Almost impossible to after this year, I’d say. So next year, we’ll just be showing video games. No films at all. Just video games and perhaps one or two YouTube videos. Like that one Jimmy Kimmel did. That was fucking awesome. Did you see that? I mean her pants were on fire and I was like woah, but then it was all a gag. Good old Jimmy. Now that is art. 

The Toronto Film Festival will take place in Canada from August to September 2014.