COCKTAIL II: BINGE DRINKER GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD: In the wake of the global runaway success of Top Gun: Maverick, another Tom Cruise legacy sequel has been announced. Cocktail II: Binge Drinker goes into production shortly. Cruise will reprise his role as barman, Brian Flannagan. Only in this movie, luck has not been on Brian’s side. We caught up with Cruise to discuss his latest challenge.

Tom, Thanks For Taking The Time To Speak With Us.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Can You Come Down Off The Couch, Please Tom. This Isn’t Oprah.

Sorry man. I’m just on a real high after making all the fucking money in the world. Now I finally know how James Cameron felt. I’m flying in the mother-fucking Thetan rocket, baby.

Tom. Please. Sit Down.

Ok, it’s cool, man. I’m sitting. Right, where were we?

You Were Going To Tell Us About Cocktail II: Binge Drinker?

Yeah, so the film continues to tell the story of barman supremo, Brian Flannagan. Only now, he’s down on his luck. Everyone he’s ever loved has left him. Jordan, who was played by Elisabeth Shue left him years ago.

So Elisabeth Isn’t In This Film?

No way, man. She’s really old now. We didn’t get Kelly McGillis in on Maverick and we aren’t going against my policy now. If the leading lady is the same age as me, she’s too fucking old. But anyway. Brian’s a real barfly these days. He’s one of those guys who just sits at the end of a bar, moaning about his kids who don’t want to see him. Think Jon Voight, but smells more of piss and booze. That’s me. I’ll tell ya, prep has been hard going. I’ve had to learn to drink a lot.

Where Did You Prepare For That?

In the UK, while we were shooting Mission Impossible 15, or whatever. Those fuckers can really drink over there. Have you seen Newcastle city center on a Saturday night? It’s like the last days of Rome, but everything smells of vomit and Doner Kebabs.

That Sounds Awful. Did You Join In?

Hell yeah. I can drink 9 pints of Newcastle Brown Ale without vomiting. I mean, they’re fucking nuts. No wonder they voted to leave the EU. They’re basically Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Those bastards have just pushed the big red self-destruct button. They’re just waiting for sweet oblivion. And that’s what the movie is like.

It Sounds Terrible.

Yeah? Well I got a billion dollars, so fuck you.

Tom Cruise Is Currently Appearing In Top Gun: Maverick

TOP GUN ATTACK OF THE THETANS ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise has announced Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans will go into production this Fall. The surprise announcement came after the world premiere of the fighter jet sequel at Cannes. The Studio Exec caught up with Tom to discuss Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans, which is slated for a summer 2025 release.

Tom, Where Did You Get The Idea For Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans?

I got the idea for another Top Gun movie when we started to see the financial projections for Top Gun: Maverick. It’s gonna make a shit ton of money. It then occurred to me that I love making money and people will pay me money to do just about anything. Well, apart from The Mummy. So I thought, why not make another Top Gun movie. That’ll make even more money, which by the way, I love. If you get enough money, you become rich. Then you can do anything. And I mean anything.

I Meant More Specifically Why Attack Of The Thetans?

Ah, I see what you’re getting at. My apologies. Y’see it’s all well and good having people hurling themselves around the sky in jet fighters. That’s very exciting. But it’s not something your average Joe and Joanna can relate to. So I thought, what about the Thetans? If we can get them involved in the franchise, it will ground it (no pun intended). Everyone can relate to Thetans. The way I pitched it to my terrified studio liaison was Top Gun meets Battlefield Earth meets Independence Day. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie?

Are You Being Serious?

Yeah, of course. You’d have to be insane to not want to see that. Or you’d certainly be on several Hollywood blacklists if you said anything to the contrary. Those blacklists totally don’t exist, by the way. But it is nice to have friends, and family, and a career. Isn’t it, you piece of shit.

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say?

There’s no need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong… yet. But it’s up to you whether you do or not. Just remember, all our actions have consequences. Far reaching, permanent consequences.

I Love The Sound Of This Movie!

I knew you’d see it my way.

Top Gun: Maverick Is Out In Cinemas Later This Week