PADDINGTON BEAR HORROR REBOOT GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.

Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?

Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.

Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?

I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.

And Who Is Playing Paddington?

We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.

Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly

JOHN OLIVER PUNCHES DUSTIN HOFFMAN IN THE FACE

NEW YORK – John Oliver and Dustin Hoffman got into a massive fight in New York last night.

John Oliver, the Host of Last Week Tonight, was hosting a panel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the 1997 film Wag the Dog, when suddenly he launched an all out assault on The Graduate actor Dustin Hoffman. The discussion had turned to claims of harassment with British TV host unimpressed by Hoffman’s justifications. Before anyone knew what was happening, Oliver launched himself across the room and tackled Hoffman, knocking the 80 year old actor to the ground.

Hoffman however came up fast and bit off a piece of Oliver’s ear, spitting the blow stained gristle into the audience, which was now baying like frenzied beasts. Robert De Niro then punched Barry Levinson in the face for no reason whatsoever. The two were soon at it like a pair of old heavy weights, not that dissimilar from De Niro’s 2013 comedy Grudge Match. Members of the audience began to join in. Seats rained down onto the stage. As the veteran Tootsie star and Oliver continued to pound lumps out of each other.

In the midst of the violence, the bigger issues seemed to have forgotten, which is: has it really been 20 years since Wag the Dog?

John Oliver will be presenting the Oscars.

 

TOOTSIE REMAKE GETS TITLE AND STAR

HOLLYWOOD – Cameron Diaz has confirmed she will play the lead role in a remake of the 1982 Sydney Pollack directed comedy Tootsie.

Ms. Diaz will take the role of Michael Dorsey, an out of work actor – played in the original by Dustin Hoffman – who assumes the identity of a woman Dorothy Michaels in order to get more work.

Director Spike Jonze says the original idea was to change the roles from male to female to accommodate Ms. Diaz’s having a vagina, but then they decided that ‘wasn’t quirky enough’ and so decided that the actress will play a man who pretends to be a woman. ‘It’ll be really freaky, and people will be going what? and I’ll be like, yeah. Exactly!’

Asked to comment on the re-imagining of a role that saw him nominated for an Oscar, Dustin Hoffman said: ‘Phnmamanna mmnenmn mmnnmenon, assholes.’

Filming is due to start in the Spring.