THE VIKINGS GETS MOVIE SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Popular TV show The Vikings is to get a big movie treatment.

The History Channels The Vikings is finally to get a big screen outing, it was announced today. Fans of the show will however be disappointed to learn that it won’t star any of the original cast. Travis Fimmel, Katheryn Winnick and Gabriel Byrne have all denied they are appearing in the new version. A History Channel source to the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go with something tried and tested. Kirk Douglas will play Einar and Tony Curtis is playing Erik. I’m very pleased to announce that Ernest Borgnine is coming back to play Ragnar.

But Tony Curtis… Kirk Douglas… Aren’t they a little old, or dead?

The story is a little different. Erik and Einar are half brothers, though actually Erik is of noble birth. They have this massive horn that they blow and they run along the oars for fun. Then fights and battles break out and they throw axes at girls to cut off their braids.

Wait. This sounds like the 1958…

The important point here is that although people will say: look they’ve just re-released that film that’s always on television at Easter. What they really mean is: this is an amazingly original and accurate reproduction of how Vikings actually lived in the 1950s.

The Vikings will be released in 2018.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS BURT LANCASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Survivor from the Golden Age of Hollywood, Sir Edwin Fluffer, reflects on the going to the man Hollywood insiders once called the Toothy Arse: Burt Lancaster.

Whenever you wake up next to Burt Lancaster you know it must’ve been one of those nights. Then when you roll over and see Tony Curtis lying there it soon becomes apparent that that you’ve been the salami in a spectacular Hollywood sandwich. 

We’d just finished filming Trapeze in which we all three attempted to woo Gina Lollobrigida with fairly mixed results and art had come to imitate life at the wrap party. Of course, darling Gina was having none of it, so Burt, Tony and I decided to bat on at a little jazz club I knew. 

The martinis were flowing like Gina’s hair, and then Curtis suggested a game of Twister. I’d never played it before, but once they’d explained the rules I took off my jacket, rolled up my sleeves, and flicked the spinner… 

Left foot red was easy enough, Burt got left hand yellow and Tony had right foot green. There are no prizes for guessing what happened next!  

Fast forward to the end credits and Burt won the Academy Award for his fine performance in Elmer Gantry, Tony had a huge hit with Spartacus, and to this day I still can’t walk past a Corby Trouser Press without shuddering. But that’s another story…

For more Fluffer please be so good as to CLICK HERE.

SPARTACUS: DIRECTOR’S CUT

HOLLYWOOD- Following the release of the new director’s cut of Dr. Strangelove, the Stanley Kubrick estate has decided to release an alternate cut of the director’s 1960 slave rebellion picture Spartacus.

The cut will include an alternate ending which reveals a much more pessimistic view of human nature.

‘This is what Stanley actually believed would have happened,’ said a spokesperson for the estate.

At this stage in his career he was still under the pressure to make a Hollywood picture and Kirk Douglas also had much more power than even Stanley. Remember Kubrick was hired for this job while the film was already in production.

Other changes include:

  • A sex scene between Laurence Olivier and Tony Curtis (Anthony Hopkins provides the moans and groans on the soundtrack).
  • CGI gore in the battle scenes supervised by Peter Jackson.
  • A tiger in the famous gladiator battle with Woody Strode, courtesy of Ridley Scott.

Spartacus: the Final Version will be released later this month.