TOMMY LEE JONES TO STAR IN AND DIRECT ‘ARE YOU BEING SERVED?’

HOLLYWOOD – Tommy Lee Jones to write, direct and star in Are You Being Served?

Veteran actor and No Country for Old Men star Tommy Lee Jones will finally bring his dream project to the screen next year, a Hollywood remake of BBC sitcom Are You Being Served? 

Based on the Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft Seventies series, Tommy Lee Jones’ new film is set in the fictional Los Angeles department store of Grace Brothers. Here the flirty staff have to deal with a variety of eccentric customers. Popping by the Studio Exec bungalow, Jones explained his vision:

I have always been a fan of the original British series. The elaborate double entendres and the farcical situations and in particular Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy.

And you are acting in the film as well? 

I myself shall play the role of Captain Peacock and Michael Shannon has kindly agreed to show his face as Mr. Humphries. Cameron Diaz wanted to play Mrs. Slocombe but I said no, because she is not in my honest opinion what I’d call a ‘good actress’.  Emma Thompson will handle the pussy jokes, if’n we can sober her up in time. Ha ha. That was a joke.

How do you respond to critics who say you can’t play comedy?

I ask them if they have had the opportunity to view my hilarious mugging in Natural Born Killers, or my Two Face in the much underrated Batman film, I forget which one… but it was comedy genius.

Mila Kunis will play Shirley Brahms and Jack Black will play Cuthbert Rumbold. Bradley Cooper will continue his collaboration with Jones, playing the womanizing salesman Dick Lucas.

Are You Being Served? comes out in 2022.

MICHAEL SHANNON IS MR HUMPHRIES

HOLLYWOOD –  Michael Shannon joins Tommy Lee Jones’ Are You Being Served?

The major Motion Picture adaptation of the BBC sitcom Are You Being Served? is going ahead with the release of the first character posters. The first features a typically intense Michael Shannon as Mr. Humphries. The actor has carved a career of intense performances.

‘I’ve studied Inman,’ said the Take Shelter star. ‘I’ve studied him every day for seven hours a day for fourteen years. And remember this was before Tommy told me that there was even a chance of there being a film. I did it because I AM MR. HUMPHRIES. SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!’

Tommy Lee Jones will play Captain Peacock and Oprah Winfrey will be Mrs. Slocombe. The project has taken over ten years to come to fruition. The British sitcom from the 1970s gained a cult following in the United States after it was shown on cable throughout the 80s.

‘For many of us young guys, Are You Being Served? was like a Baptism of FIRE!’ says Shannon. ‘We didn’t just watch it – although obviously we did that too – we studied it. I’ll never forget when I first met Al Pacino and all we talked about was Are You Being Served? Man, those were the days!’

Are You Being Served? comes out in 2022. 

OPRAH WINFREY JOINS ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

HOLLYWOOD – Oprah Winfrey to star in Are You Being Served?

Actress, chat show host and producer, Oprah Winfrey joins Tommy Lee Jones and Michael Shannon in the upcoming cinematic remake of popular British sitcom Are You Being Served?

The news came after speculation that Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts had both been vying for the role of Mrs Slocombe only to be beaten at the last minute by the Queen of Daytime TV. Mrs Slocombe – and her notorious pussy (rumors have it that Andy Serkis has tried out for the role) – will join the retail team at the famous Grace Brothers department store. The Butler actress said:

I don’t do many acting roles because I have so many other commitments so I choose them with real care. But when Tommy came along with the script I knew from page one that I was on board. What people don’t know is Tommy is a really funny guy with a great sense of humor. Once he ran over his gardener’s foot with his car, and I swear to God we couldn’t stop laughing. We were still laughing when the ambulance turned up!

Are You Being Served? is due out in 2022.

For more news on the production CLICK HERE.

BLOOD MERIDIAN GETS A DIRECTOR

HOLLYWOOD – The cult Cormac MacCarthy novel Blood Meridian is going to get a cinema outing after Tommy Lee Jones finally secured a director after years in development.

The rights to Cormac MacCarthy’s novel “Blood Meridian” were secured by Tommy Lee Jones many years ago, but due to the difficulty of the material no studio has been willing to back a version. A number of directors have expressed their wish to tackle it, including Ridley Scott and James Franco even made a twenty minute screen test of the material.

Tommy Lee Jones finally secured his dream director and told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY how it came about:

I’d always wanted Blood Meridian to have a certain look and there was only one director who I thought could truly bring that vision to the screen: Sam Peckinpah.

But Sam Peckinpah’s dead.

Noted. And that was what you might call a deal-breaker. But then I got talking to these cyro-genic engineers at a hotel bar and they told me how they could revive a long dead body and 3D print the dead man’s brain. All they needed was the head. So I dug up the body of Sam Peckinpah.

Jesus Christ.

An apt blasphemy considering the resurrection. But it was more like “Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia”. We got the head to the lab and printed off the brain uploaded it into the computer and asked if Sam would consider directing the movie. I can’t say he was particularly happy about being alive again, but we gave him some e-whiskey and he warmed to the idea.

This is the craziest story I’ve ever heard.

I know. But can you imagine? We’re going to get Blood Meridian directed by Sam Peckinpah. Now all we need is someone like William Holden, or Warren Oates to play the Judge. I’m too old for it now, but I know Zac Efron is in the frame. I don’t know the actor but they tell me he is gritty.

I think you’re going to need that shovel again.

Blood Meridian will be released in 2018. 

TOMMY LEE JONES SMILES

HOLLYWOOD – Amazing news just in: We are receiving unconfirmed reports that Tommy Lee Jones has smiled.

Apparently the veteran actor of The Fugitive and No Country for Old Men  was walking his fifteen year old Rottweiler, Methuselah when he saw a little old lady on the other side of the street walking along. This did nothing to the famous granite visage, but then he noticed that some careless citizen had left a banana skin right in the old lady’s path. The corners of the Man in Black’s mouth twitched involuntarily. 

Careful not to stare, Mr. Jones halted for a moment. Pretending to scratch Methuselah behind the ear, he kept one of his squinty eyes on the old gal’s progress. She slowly approached the banana skin and was almost upon it when through the mist of her aged vision she must have caught sight of the yellow peril.

As quick as she could – her foot was already raised – she took evasive action stepping into the road where she was hit by a speeding Cherokee Jeep and killed instantly. Tommy Lee Jones’ face broke into a broad happy smile, witnesses say many who ran immediately to film the moment on their phone cameras, even as the old lady – a Mrs Hampton of Detroit – bled out onto the asphalt.   Sadly, by the time the camera function had been chosen the moment of hilarity had passed and Mr Lee Jones had resumed his usual melancholy gaze. Tommy Lee Jones and Methuselah walked on without further comment or harassment.

Mrs Hampton leaves seven grandchildren, four children and her husband Ralph.

MICHAEL SHANNON’S COMEDY PUNCH ON HBO

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Shannon’s Comedy Punch – which was initially part of Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In  (for more on that CLICK HERE) – has now been slated for its own slot in the Fall season.

The show which involves Michael Shannon punching unsuspecting members of the public in the back of the head, the face or the kidneys to hilarious results was originally a five minute slot, but its success has been such that HBO have booked a fifteen part season with a two hour special to get the ball rolling. We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Michael Shannon.

Mr Shannon, sir, is this a chance to show off your diverse talents?

I’m always the psychopath, or the lunatic. The homicidal killer. Something like that. But I have a lot more to offer on the comedy and light entertainment side of the business. People are surprised they say, ‘You don’t know comedy! You don’t know what’s funny!’ But I do.

For example?

Like when I punch people and they fall down, that’s funny. When they bleed and they look scared and you can see in their eyes, they think they’re going to die, that’s funny. And when they cower and hold their hands up and beg for you to not punch them again, and they’re like animals who, if you kill their souls, will become your slaves in heaven, that’s, you know, funny.

Will the format be the same?

Yeah, pretty much. I try something different now and then, like kicking someone’s legs out from under them, but I usually go back to punching them. Oh, and we’re going to have celebrity guests. 

Will they be punching people too?

No I’ll punch them. 

Who like?

Woody Allen, Eli Wallach, Max Von Sydow, the chick from Amour.

Emmanuelle Riva?

Yeah that’s her.

But these are all quite elderly people.

And?

Well, won’t punching them be risky. They could die. 

Yeah. Ha ha. I know. The color goes out of their faces. Ha ha. And they sort of wheeze out that last breath like letting off a sparrow into eternity. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

Michael Shannon’s Comedy Punch will air in the Fall of this year.

HBO PRODUCE: TOMMY LEE JONES’ LAUGH IN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran actor and famous curmudgeon Tommy Lee Jones will star in, write and produce a series of thirty minute comedy programmes for HBO to be screened this September: Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In.

‘I want to bring a little sunshine into people’s lives,’ said the In the Valley of Elah star. ‘There’ll be me and a bunch of old buddies and we’re gonna horse around and crack wise. I suppose it’ll be funny. If not, what the heck! We’re gonna die eventually. Me sooner than you like as not.’

The No Country for Old Men star continued:

Michael Shannon’s comedy punch

People think I’m ornery. But I really am not. I just have the kind of face, when it relaxes, it looks melancholy. I have a real talent for comedy. If you watch Men in Black … actually that isn’t a great example. Well, look, once I was over at my mother’s house, this was 1978. And the whole family were sitting out on the porch passing the time in stoic – some might say hostility laced – silence when suddenly a little kitten was crossing the road just as the milk truck barrelled round the corner. It ran over the kitten, squashing it flat. ‘That’s Mrs Heels cat,’ says I. ‘I’ll take it over,’ says my brother. ‘If she ain’t in,’ says I. ‘You can just put her through the mail slot.’ The hollering and whooping could be heard way over in the next county.

Tommy Lee Jones will be joined by hapless comedy sidekick Michael ‘Laugh or I’ll Cave Your Face In’ Shannon – ‘he’s always getting into oafish scrapes’ – and Emily Watson from Breaking the Waves, who will have her own section entitled The Relentless Brutality of Life: ‘A series of monologues about Dachau and the like.’

Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In screens on the 21st of September, 2013.