CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

LEONARDAO DICAPRIO TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has confirmed that he will be starring as Spider-Man in the next Spider-Man film.

The amazing webslinger is back! But despite rave reviews and commercial success, Tom Holland has got the boot and been replaced by Mr. Revenant himself: Leonardo diCaprio. The former Romeo came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to chew the fat. I asked what the hell?

Look, people started saying I could be the Joker. Sure, I could do that. But I really want to be Spider-Man. Marty will direct.

Scorsese wants to do a Spider-Man movie?

He will if he wants to see his cat again.

You kidnapped Martin Scorsese’s cat?

Are you kidding me? How else do you explain The Aviator? You think Marty wanted to make that movie.

So what will your take be on Spider-Man?

I’ve loved Spider-Man ever since I was a kid. I grew up with all those comic books. I’m such a nerd.

But isn’t Peter Parker a little young for you to play?

Who’s Peter Parker? Jesus Christ, Exec. Keep up. Spi-der-ma-n.

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Homecoming will be released in 2020.

EXCLUSIVE LOOK INSIDE THE SPIDER-MAN RETIREMENT HOME

HOLLYWOOD – As the world prepares for a new Spider-Man to be unveiled in Captain America: Civil War, the Studio Exec has been granted an EXCLUSIVE peek into the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men.

Tom Holland as the new Spider-Man is already drawing rave reviews from the early buzz surrounding Captain America: Civil War,  but what awaits the young actor when his tenure as Marvel’s favorite web-slinger is through. We went inside the quiet sleepy confines of the Retirement Home for Former Spider-Men to find out. Situated in Daytona Beach, Florida, the complex covers over a hundred acres of plush grassland. The building itself is modest enough with no outside indication of the Peter Parkers who roam the rec-rooms and shuffle board courts.

Nurse Jackie Pertite showed us around:

We have all the mod cons as well as a full time nursing staff to take care of our residents. Tobey Maguire is here somewhere. He tends to go to the climbing wall. Once those boys have a go, it’s just the dickens getting them to come down.

But Tobey Maguire is still a working actor?

Bless you for saying that. Bless you. If we see him, be sure and say that. He’ll love you. Tell him you loved The Great Gatsby and you’ll have a friend for life, but don’t mention Spider-Man 3.

We did see Tobey later but he was too intent on traversing a particularly difficult crack.  Andrew Garfield was sitting looking at his own reflection in a dead television. Coloring in a coloring book at his feet was a child of about nine. ‘Who’s that?’ I asked the nurse.

Oh that’s Max Charles. He played Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be here, but once his Spidey senses start tingling we can’t keep him away with a baseball bat.

In the bingo room, I was surprised to see Neil Patrick Harris. ‘Voice artist in the animated series,’ Nurse Pertite whispered.

Just then the food came in and I excused myself. The diet of the retired Spider-Men is almost entirely insect in nature and I had neither the stomache nor the inclination to witness what was to happen next. In the peaceful glades and the balmy climate of South Florida it isn’t difficult to see these former heroes at their rest. And as I passed a door i noted wistfully that it already had a name plate. Tom Holland, it read. It won’t be long now Tom, I thought. It won’t be long now.

Captain America: Civil War stars Tom Holland as Spider-Man.

 

SPIDER-MAN WILL BE IN GAME OF THRONES

WESTEROS – Following a deal between Sony and HBO, Spider-man will appear in the new season of Game of Thrones ‘because basically we want to put him everywhere’.

Marvel’s best-loved web-slinger Spider-man is to join the cast of Game of Thrones for an eagerly anticipated Season Six. Tom Holland who has taken over from Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker’s arachnid alter-ego swung into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his new role:

Hi everybody!

Hi, Tom. So what’s this about Game of Thrones? 

I was so excited when I got the gig to play Spider-man. I grew up watching Tobey Maguire and reading the comic books. Hell, I grew up watching Andrew Garfield for that matter. But the fun thing about my Spider-man is that I’m going to be in a whole bunch of films, not only Spider-man ones. The next Captain America: Civil War for instance, but also Game of Thrones.

So how did you get the Game of Thrones role and who are you going to play?

I have been a huge fan of the TV series and also of the George RR Martin books. They are fantastic. I got an opportunity to talk to George and he told me that one of the characters is actually based on Spider-man, then we ended up having long conversations about how Spider-man might fit in to the Westeros Universe. Sony were dead keen because basically money. We’re in talks to appear in Fuller House and the Walking Dead too.

I see. 

In this season a lot of characters are coming back from the dead. Partly because of the necromancer and also because of the White Walkers. And one character who died very recently is going to come back because he got bit by irradiated spider. Can you guess who? No, you can’t huh. You know nothing Studio Exec! Huh? A clue? Still no?

Game of Thrones Season 6 will drop in April. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

5 FACTS WE LEARNED ABOUT CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

HOLLYWOOD – The new trailer to Captain America: Civil War dropped and with it the first sight of Tom Holland’s Spider-Man, but what did we really learn.

The Studio Exec FACT Squad is currently being ripped asunder (which is not good) by a civil war about which side to support on Captain America: Civil War, so we sent both halves of the warring squad into battle to find out five FACTS about the new film from watching the trailer once on a phone with a poor Wi-Fi connection.

1. It is historically inaccurate. Although the characters wear ‘costumes’ they are not correct to the period from 1861-1865 in which the Civil War took place.

2. Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Emily VanCamp, Don Cheadle, Jeremy Renner,Chadwick Boseman, Paul Bettany, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Rudd, Frank Grillo, Tom Holland, William Hurt, and Daniel Brühl are in it

3. Tony Stark loves Captain America’s perfect teeth but there’s an edge there.

4. New York, Washington and Skikky-lovia have been destroyed. Everyone looks serious, including William Hurt who is playing Michael Douglas, Robert Redford and Jeff Bridges.

5. Black Panther isn’t actually a panther. And Spider-Man isn’t actually a Spider.

For more FACTS click HERE.

EVERYBODY TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – It was announced today that everyone would get an opportunity to play Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot of the highly successful franchise.

Following in the footsteps of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland will be the first web-slinger front and center for the new Spider-Man film, to be followed five minutes later by Aaron Aarman, and then in alphabetical order, everyone else on the planet (with the exception of blacks and gays and women).

A Marvel spokesperson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Listen Peter Parker is a kind of everyman figure. Or at least every white, straight man figure, ha! But you know what I mean. Yes, he has superpowers. Yes he can climb walls and swing from webs that he shoots from his wrists, but really he’s just like you or me (as long as you’re not black or gay or a woman). So we’re going to give everyone the chance to play him. This way we’ll also broaden his appeal and lord knows there are enough films to go around. We’re planning to have a new Spider-Man movie every year with a new reboot every three.

Comic book legend and cameo junkie Stan Lee gave his thumbs up to the idea in an internal memo, in which he expressed his delight at the money.

Spider-Man’s Got Talent will be released in 2016.