LONDON- Reports this morning from London, England, that Benedict Cumberbatch was somehow involved in the Tom Hiddleston swan murder incident are being strongly denied by the actor’s representatives.
A spokesperson for Benedict Cumberbatch said:
Thousands of children are killed ever single second by a swan, or something, and all the media and the police have to do all day is persecute thin young thespians of almost ethereal beauty.
Cumberbatch is currently putting the finishing touches on his performance as Smaug in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: Seriously Who Gives a F*ck and was unavailable to comment. It is believed that although the Star Trek actor was not present at the time Mr. Tom Hiddleston allegedly killed a swan in London’s St. James Park, he did instigate the attack by belonging to an old English actor’s club called The Jolly Bastards.
Sources from the prosecution have revealed that there is a text from Cumberbatch to Hiddleston which states explicitly: ‘Go on! Kick its fcking head off LOL #JollyBastards’.
Charles Dance – the spokesman for The Jolly Bastards and an unrepentant advocate of murder – said:
‘The kicking off of a swan’s head has long been the initiation ceremony of choice for the Jolly Bastards,’ says noted Jolly Bastard’s historian Patrice Clamp. ‘Here we see a classic example of a senior member – or Spunker as they’re known – controlling the actions of an apprentice or Sprat.’
So far no charges have been formally made but watch this space and follow us on Twitter for more news as it comes in.
LONDON – A controversial new book by eminent historian Crispin Hake claims that revered actor and housewives’ choice Tom Hiddleston is really a time traveller from the planet Gallifrey.
“I was as stunned as anyone” said a stunned Hake
I was conducting research into the history of photography when I discovered an old CIA file labelled ‘Top Secret’. I looked inside and I just couldn’t believe my eyes.
Hake claims the file contained over 80 photographs of Tom and a 1000 page report charting his movements throughout the last 150 years.
It seems that Tom has appeared so frequently that the US government had to manipulate images and replace him with other characters so people wouldn’t start asking questions. Not only do we know he’s been around since the invention of the camera but there is evidence to suggest he could have been living amongst us for centuries!
The Hiddleston camp have been quick to deny these rumours and his army of fans have already forced Hake to close down his twitter account.
“Tom isn’t a time traveller. He’s a God!” said 14 year old majorette Tina Lopez.
Whatever the truth may be. The below photographs will certainly lead some to question the truth behind the Hiddleston conundrum.
LONDON – Tom Hiddleston – the swan murderer of Hyde Park (for more on that story CLICK HERE) and Loki from The Avengers – was released from a central London Police station under bail after a hearing at the Westminster Magistrates Court early this morning.
The presiding Judge commented that despite Tom Hiddleston’s wealth, his public persona made it unlikely that he represented a flight risk. The bail was set at £150,000 and – in a piece of irony that pleased everyone present – Christian Bale was present in court to pay the sum, a service he has performed previously for Nick Nolte and Tom Sizemore.
A pale shaken (slightly dreamy) Mr. Hiddleston refused to make a statement, but was heard clearly to state that the swan had been ‘looking at him.’ A spokesperson for the Crown Prosecution Service said that they would be seeking a severe penalty against Mr Hiddleston should the charge be proven, but declined to say if they would be seeking the death penalty, which technically would still be an option.
Angelina Peters of the Swan Appreciation Society (S.A.S) threw white feathers at Mr Hiddleston as he made his way into a waiting helicopter. She said:
It is a disgrace when a leading androgynous actor can decapitate swans willy-nilly and expect to get away with it. That innocent swan had done nothing and was plainly minding its own business when Hiddleston tore her beautiful head off.
Jodie Foster has come out in solidarity with Mr. Hiddleston, but Emma Stone criticised him saying: ‘eeeewww!’