47 FILMS: 28. KILL LIST

In our continuing series of 47 films to watch before you are murdered in your dreams, we look at Ben Wheatley’s stunning Kill List.

Sometimes genre doesn’t really suffice. There are films that slip through the nooks and crannies, for example Ben Wheatley’s oeuvre. His career has been full of what might be called horror, but is really more creepy, weird, strange and utterly fascinating. His debut Down Terrace was a gangster epic played out in the stuffy confines of a pokey terrace house in middle England. Sightseers is a black comedy about a serial killing caravan holiday and A Field in England is the play Samuel Beckett would have written if he’d chosen the English civil war as his topic and magic mushrooms as his muse.

Kill List, his sophomore movie, mixes the domestic black humor of Down Terrace and Sightseers with a darker more gruesome horror. This is English Gothic at its grittiest. Hit man Jay (Neil Maskell) is kicking about the house arguing with his wife at a loose end until ex-services pal Gal (Michael Smiley) turns up with the offer of a job, or a series of jobs. But this thin story line leads us into the badlands of weird and with the occasional burst of ultra violence. This is the sort of thing that the rejuvenated Hammer should be doing, rather than Harry Potter’s Woman in Black. The malevolence that lies under the surface of an apparently benign English society is scratched to the surface and revealed with a gleeful nastiness.

Wheatley and partner in crime Amy Jump is moving away from the low budget shocks with his latest: a cinematic adaptation of JG Ballard’s High Rise starring Tom Hiddleston no less. On the evidence of his body of work so far, it could well turn out to be a marriage made in hell/heaven/hell again.

For more of our 47 Films Click Here.

LOKI GETS STAND ALONE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – After another movie-stealing turn in Thor: The Dark World, Tom Hiddleston has confirmed that he will be playing Loki in a new stand alone Marvel feature provisionally entitled Loki: The Darker World

Attack the Block director Joe Cornish is one of the names currently in the running but some have even suggested Oliver Stone might be the surprise choice. Stone was at pains to say he had heard nothing officially but did suggest that he would be willing to take the job if it was offered. 

I’m a huge fan of the Marvel universe and Tony Hopkins told me that Thor was a lot of fun to make and I believe him. As for Loki, sure why not?  He’s by far the most interesting character and I love the way Tom plays him. 

Hiddleston himself said he would be delighted at the opportunity to fill a whole movie with Loki. “There’re a lot of issues to explore, so yeah sure,” said the English actor. 

However, some believe the maverick actor would be a risk for the studios, given his recent history of swan killing and his membership of the British ex-pat club The Jolly Bastards.  
One thing is for sure: with his huge online army of Loki fans to placate, Marvel will have to pull out all the stops to make it a good one. Here’s Loki-ing at you kid!

Loki: The Darker World will be released in 2016.

THE SHINING PREQUEL: SNEAK PEEK

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Romanek confirmed The Shining prequel will be called Delbert Grady and will tell the story of Jack Torrance’s immediate predecessor at the Overlook Hotel.

The man who had the good sense not only to make Never Let Me Go but also not to make The Wolfman and spoke exclusively with the Studio Exec, ‘because you are the only guys who dare to print the 100% truth, no facts, but 100% truth.’

I have been wanting to make this film for a long time and we had a lot of different scripts. First we were going to look a Dick Halloran, but his story is a bit of a downer and he’s the chef so he tends to use his shining talents to check if they have enough milk without opening the fridge door. Then we were going to look at Lloyd, the bar tender, and that felt interesting, but Lloyd in the original is really the devil so that also felt too on the nose. We even had the idea about it being about the building of the hotel. What a stupid idea that would have been!? But once we realised Delbert was the heart of the film we knew we had cracked the idea.

In Stanley Kubrick’s original film, based on the novel by Stephen King, Grady was played by veteran British actor Philip Stone, who went on to appear in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Now speculation is rife as to who is going to play the young caretaker.

Romanek was giving away very little:

I’d like to stick to the English butler feel that Stone originally made even though it doesn’t really make much sense that he would be an English butler in a hotel in Colorado. But that got me thinking of Benedict Cumberbatch. He’ll be very difficult to get now though. I mean he’s everywhere and his dance ticket is pretty much full. Tom Hiddleston would be good, but likewise Tom is really in demand. I’ve worked with Andy Garfield before and I think he could fit the bill, but since Spider-Man, I’m not sure if we could afford him.

Delbert Grady will be released in 2016. 

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH FLAVOR ICE-CREAM A HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch flavor ice-cream proves an unsurprising hit with customers.

A spokesperson for Ben and Jerry’s Ice-Cream Corporation said that the ice-cream was ‘flying off the shelves and proving more popular than Half Baked and  Cherry Garcia’. Described as a a deeply sensual and metro-sexual ice-cream, the taste is most frequently compared to a mix between pipe tobacco and milky tea.

Not only did we have Benedict come in and advise us as we developed the flavor we also used samples of his hair and DNA to infuse the dessert with an intense Benedict-ness that we’ve come to know and love from Sherlock and such films as The Fifth Estate and The Imitation Game. It wasn’t easy to get and the first Cumberbatch we made we had to throw away.

One satisfied customer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It could taste of cow muck and I’d still buy it. I think he’s dreamy.

Stores are having difficulty keeping up with demand and riots have broken out in parts of the US where stocks have run low.

The new Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is only the first in a whole new range of Ben and Jerry flavors which are being rolled out this year, including the Michael Fassbender Banana split, Tom Hiddleston and Hazelnuts and Gerard Buttercream.

Ben and Jerry’s Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is available at all good stores. 

BEN KINGSLEY’S DOG FIGHTING SHAME

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is  a dog fighting addict.

The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.

The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.

It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.

Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’

Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.

Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book. 

TOM HIDDLESTON KILLS A SWAN

LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.

Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.

‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’

Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off.  ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.

As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.

‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’

Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE BAFTAS

LONDON – The Studio Exec is at the BAFTAs this evening which is kind of like the Oscars if the Oscars said ‘pavement’ and ‘fancy a cup of tea vicar’.

Here are 5 FACTS in an envelope and ‘I wish to thank….’

1. A BAFTA has suffered from inflation in recent years. In the forties a BAFTA was worth three Oscars but now you need seventeen BAFTAs to get an Oscar on the open market.

2. BAFTA stands for British Affable Fellows for Tea Association. It was formed in the 1930s to promote tea etiquette following the 1927 cup and saucer riots of Old London Town, which was actually destroyed in the riots to be rebuilt into the London we know today. BAFTA promoted affable tea drinking until it got bored and turned its attention to the ‘flicks’.

3. Celebrating British film has been difficult because the most of the stuff is ‘frightful tosh featuring spotty oiks in stiff collared shirts’ The New Yorker. However, due to new rules if a film is touched by a British person it immediately becomes a British film, (see Gravity).

4.  Many people are celebrating this year as a vintage one in British cinema with such film as The Selfish Giant, Gravity and Philomena competing this year. Next year will see the release of a film which combines characters from each film as a young child rescues fallen space debris to attract his long lost Irish mother who keeps saying ‘fecking eejit’ in an amusing way.

5. Tom Hiddleston, Mark Strong, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba and Chiwitel Ejiofor are all actually German except for Fassbender who’s Welsh.  

For more FACTS click HERE.

EMILIA CLARKE BECOMES LODGE MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – You’ll know her as Daenerys Targarayen on HBO’s Game of Thrones, but British born actress Emilia Clarke today was enrolled as the Lodge Mother of the Ex-Pat British Actors Club, The Jolly Bastards.

At a ceremony at exclusive Santa Monica restaurant Chinois on Main, Jolly Bastards President Benedict Cumberbatch said that everyone was ‘frightfully thrilled at the news’:

Emilia has a pair of stunning eyebrows and we’re all going to have a lot of fun getting up to high jinks and japes over here in our favorite former colony, America-landia. And so say all of us!

The Jolly Bastards was originally formed in the 1960s by Cary Grant and David Niven, but through the years has become the gang of choice for former UK thespians living in La-La Land. Ms. Clarke was introduced to the group by fellow Game of Thrones star and long time Jolly Bastard Charles Dance. Other members include Tom Hiddleston and Alan Rickman.

The group has caused some controversy in the past as it has allegedly (actually self-confessedly) been involved in a number of crimes including Swan murder, but which the LAPD have declined to investigate because the perpetrators ‘have such charming accents.’

The mayhem is likely to only increase with the glorious Ms. Clarke now counted alongside Carey Mulligan and Judi Dench in the female wing of the group.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

MARK STRONG: I’M NOT EVIL

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Mark Strong has asserted today that he is ‘not evil’, despite appearing to be evil in such films as The Guard, Kick Ass, Green Lantern, Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes.

The actor told the Studio Exec:

I admit I have been typecast as a bit of a villain, but I’m a working actor so I take what I can and hopefully as my career progresses I’ll be offered perhaps a more varied selection of roles and people will see what I can really do.

Does it anger you when people confuse with the roles you play?

No, not at all. I think it’s funny. And after people have talked to me for a few minutes, they realize it’s just all part of the job.

But what if people insist that you’re evil, how do you handle that?

There’s nothing to handle. I mean people are really intelligent. 99% of people understand that it’s pretend and they behave accordingly.

What about that 1% though?

Well, it depends.

What do you mean?

Okay if someone doesn’t get it and after I explain time and again, I might lose my temper a little.

You shout at them?

No. What I do is I find out if anyone would miss them. You know if they were to disappear would there be an investigation. How thorough would it be? Do they live in a building, or in a detached lonely location? Somewhere with no security. Once I’ve captured them, I …

Captured them?

Yes. As I was saying once I’ve captured them I take them over to Tom’s place.

Tom?

Tom Hiddleston, he has this hole in his cellar. I mean I say hole, it’s more like a dungeon really. It’s where he puts people who insist on calling him Loki all the time. 

Ah.

Yeah. It was Tom who told me how to capture people.

 I think that’s all we have time for.

Of course he has amazing drainage. And industrial strength acid.

Mark Strong will be appearing in The Imitation Game in 2015.

TOM HANKS KILLS YOUNG MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks kills young men.

First, it is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words. But given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other. Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.

The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’.

Others believe that anglophone Hanks is trying to ingratiate himself and possible join the British ex-pat exclusive murder club the Jolly Bastards, currently led by Tom Hiddleston.  

In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood-paneled den. In the second, however, Hanks abandons all pretense of humanity as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.

The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.

Saving Mr. Banks is currently in theaters. 

SAM MENDES TO DIRECT HE-MAN

After the box office success of Skyfall, director Sam Mendes has been given a 250 million dollar war chest to finance his dream project, an epic black and white remake of the cartoon classic He-Man & The Masters of the Universe performed exclusively in ancient Sumerian.

It’s a great script,“ said an excited Mendes. “Myself and David Mamet have been working on it for well over a decade and we both agree that it’s our best work to date.”

Mendes admitted that the original drafts of the script were much too child friendly and he was struggling to make it work.

It was like Game of Thrones but without the violence and incest. It was only when I saw Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ that I decided it should be done in another language. After all the characters are from Eternia, not Earth, so it makes no sense that they would speak with an American accent. Originally I asked David to create an entire language from scratch but after he eventually stopped laughing and offered his resignation, we decided that Sumerian was the way forward.

That bold decision inspired Mendes to make further drastic changes.

Everything has been stripped down to the bare minimum. Originally it was going to be in 3D with masses of CGI and special effects but it’s going to be in black and white and no effects at all. In fact the only reason it’s costing so much is that we are building a life-size replica of Castle Grayskull in the Scottish Highlands.

Mendes also revealed that he already has his main cast in place.

Chris Hemsworth will play He-Man and Tom Hiddleston is Skeletor. I didn’t known Chris but I’m known Tom for years and his Skeletor is genuinely one of the most frightening characters in cinema history. He sent us an audition tape of himself dressed in a skull mask brutally murdering a swan and I knew immediately that he was the cold-hearted bastard we’d been looking for.

Despite the changes Mendes is sure that fans of the original series will enjoy his twisted version of the He-Man Universe.

If I had to compare it to another film, I’d say it’s like The Seventh Seal but much, much bleaker and the violence is so extreme we’ll be lucky to get a R-rating. Then there’s the incest, the bestiality and the murder and torture but it’s not all grim. Orko the magician makes an appearance and his rape scene mainly takes place off camera.

He-Man & The Masters of the Universe is due for release in 2015.

TOM HIDDLESTON ‘NOT GUILTY’ OF SWAN MURDER

LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.

The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).


The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston  listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.

Court artist’s impression

The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.

For more on this story, CLICK HERE and CLICK HERE.

CORRECTION: EMMA WATSON IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday, we published the news that Emma Watson had agreed (finally) to star in Fifty Shades of Grey as Anastasia Steele, the young University student who becomes the ping pong playing partner of business man and sado-masochist Christian Grey.

We are extremely sorry to report there were some errors in the original article which we seek to correct now (after the jump).

  1. There is no ping pong in the story. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey at no point play ping pong. Ping pong has no relevance here, except at a push as double entendre – and even then it would be very difficult to squeeze in and could cause some to gasp.
  2. We stated that the film was to be based on the ‘E.L. James masterpiece’. We have since discovered that the book cannot be fairly described as a masterpiece unless a) you don’t ever read books; b) you don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘masterpiece’ or c) you’re being sarcastic.
  3. Emma Watson has agreed to appear in Fifty Shades of Grey, but she will NOT play Anastasia Steele. Instead, she will play Christian Grey. Anastasia Steele will be played either by Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston. Both actors have said they are willing to play the role and producers believe the cross dressing, gender bending that Watson is insisting on will make the film ‘sexier than seeing your father dressed in your mother’s underwear, especially if you have very sexy parents’.
We apologize once more for any confusion caused.

THE CLOONEY BIN 5

Dear George

I have an army of crazed fans who stalk me on Twitter. They regard me as a Christlike figure who they worship without question. That’s fine. I mean, I am pretty amazing but I keep getting these private messages asking me if I can send them some tear drops to resurrect their dead pets and many are convinced that my underarm sweat is the only known cure for cancer. I also get requests from women and bizarrely, a few men who want me to send them a vial of my seed so they can impregnate themselves. It’s all a bit much and I’m seriously considering closing my account. You’re a man of the world George, what should I do?

                                                                                                                                          T Hiddleston 

Dear Tom

If I had a dollar for every letter I’ve received asking for a jar of my semen I’d be a billionaire. I’m afraid fluid requests just go with the territory and in my experience, I think it’s best to just send them what they want. This can be difficult of course I remember Julia Roberts was inundated with mail asking for a sample of breast milk after her pregnancy. She did her best to accommodate everyone but after a few months she had extremely sore nipples and her own child was suffering from malnourishment. These days I keep a guy on staff who does all that for me and although it’s not really my blood or my spit, the recipient is none the wiser.  I mean there must be at least a 1000 women who think they have inseminated themselves with my sperm and that makes them happy. Little do they know the real father of their offspring is an illiterate former abattoir worker from Warsaw.