DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

TOM HARDY OFFICIALLY SAYS NO TO BOND

 LONDON – After weeks of speculation, Tom Hardy has declared that he has no interest in taking on the role of James Bond.

“I can’t be arsed, mate.”, said a candid Hardy:

I’ve got a level 99 Warlock on World of Warcraft and playing Bond would really cut into my raiding time. I know I’d be paid well but it’s not about the cash. All the money in the world isn’t going to buy me the Enchanted Gauntlets of Sun Ra.

Asked if he’d consider playing 007 some time in the future, Hardy nodded:

Sure, mate. I mean you can’t play online games forever! I figure I’ll get to level 110 then I’ll take a break, maybe do another Mad Max film and a play at the National in between. I got this great idea for a play. It’s about this really cool Warlock called Barracuda who runs his own guild and has all the top gear. Don’t get me wrong, it will cost a bloody fortune to stage but they did that Spider-Man one didn’t they? I mean okay, that was a load of shit but it proved what you could do in the theatre these days. After that, well, there will be a new WoW expansion pack to play so I’d be looking at 2022 before I could fit Bond into my schedule.

 With Hardy out of the running, Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Jackman and Daniel Radcliffe have emerged as the top contenders for the role.

“I’m a bit nervous about getting involved in another franchise.”, said Radcliffe.

But to be honest, I really need the money. I’ve spent every penny I got from Harry Potter on crack, prostitutes and Coldplay concert tickets. I did have great fun, though. Well, maybe not at the Coldplay concert, but I was so high on crack I can’t remember a bloody thing!

James Bond will return in Spectre.