LONDON – After weeks of speculation, Tom Hardy has declared that he has no interest in taking on the role of James Bond.

“I can’t be arsed, mate.”, said a candid Hardy:

I’ve got a level 99 Warlock on World of Warcraft and playing Bond would really cut into my raiding time. I know I’d be paid well but it’s not about the cash. All the money in the world isn’t going to buy me the Enchanted Gauntlets of Sun Ra.

Asked if he’d consider playing 007 some time in the future, Hardy nodded:

Sure, mate. I mean you can’t play online games forever! I figure I’ll get to level 110 then I’ll take a break, maybe do another Mad Max film and a play at the National in between. I got this great idea for a play. It’s about this really cool Warlock called Barracuda who runs his own guild and has all the top gear. Don’t get me wrong, it will cost a bloody fortune to stage but they did that Spider-Man one didn’t they? I mean okay, that was a load of shit but it proved what you could do in the theatre these days. After that, well, there will be a new WoW expansion pack to play so I’d be looking at 2022 before I could fit Bond into my schedule.

 With Hardy out of the running, Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Jackman and Daniel Radcliffe have emerged as the top contenders for the role.

“I’m a bit nervous about getting involved in another franchise.”, said Radcliffe.

But to be honest, I really need the money. I’ve spent every penny I got from Harry Potter on crack, prostitutes and Coldplay concert tickets. I did have great fun, though. Well, maybe not at the Coldplay concert, but I was so high on crack I can’t remember a bloody thing!

James Bond will return in Spectre.


HOLLYWOOD – After the announcement that Spider-Man is to return to the Marvel cinematic universe, early reports suggest that Tom Hardy is the number one choice to play everyone’s favourite web-slinger.

“We want an older, more worldly Spider-Man”, said producer Kevin Feige:

We love Tom but he before he accepts a role he likes to spend a couple of months experimenting with the character to determine if he can bring something new to the table. We told him we wanted him on board last November and we’re waiting for him to confirm.

According to a source, Hardy has stretched the limits of the human mind and body in his quest to create the perfect Spider-Man:

He spent a week super-glued to his living room wall and dislocated his pelvis trying to leap onto a moving car but that wasn’t enough for Tom, he wanted to go further so he exposed a black window spider to radiation and goaded it into biting him. He now has all the powers Spider-Man has and the only thing he’s struggling with is the New York accent.

Hardy was unavailable for comment but his agent issued the following statement:

Tom is currently on the planet Xandar attempting to repel an attack on the Nova Corp by the mad titian, Thanos. If he manages to wrestle control of the Infinity gauntlet he’ll be back a week on Friday. If not, I hear Tobey Maguire is still looking work.