DAN BROWN WAS INVENTED BY THE ROSCICRUCIANS

HOLLYWOOD – Reports claim novelist and author of The Da Vinci Code and Inferno Dan Brown does not actually exist.

Dan Brown is an invention of the Rosicrucians. The novelist, whose books have been turned into the increasingly unsuccessful film series with Tom Hanks, was created sometime in the Middle Ages.

Brown scholar, Abel Fisting told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I first studied Dan Brown at Brown University, which few people realize is actually named after Dan Brown. The Papacy had sunk into a series of scandals in the Middle Ages. There were even rival popes at one point and the general status of the church was at an all time low. The Rosicrucians needed someone to be interested in a church-wide conspiracy that didn’t involve pedophilia and so they invented Dan Brown. He has been around for over seven hundred years, give or take. First he was involved in the Mary Celeste, then the Jack the Ripper murders as well as accidentally sinking the Titanic as ‘a lark’.

And more recently?

He has been publishing these novels which talk about some sort of secret world behind the world. However, the fact is the real conspiracy is the idea that anyone really wants these movies to be made. It only makes sense if you realize that both Tom Hanks and Ron Howard are Rosicrucians.

Really?

I don’t know, they might be.

Inferno is out now.

 

SULLY PLAGIARIZES REAL LIFE

NEW YORK – Clint Eastwood’s new film Sully has been accused of ‘plagiarizing real life’, by Hollywood lawyer Tony Schaloub.

After landing a plane in New York’s Hudson River, Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger (Tom Hanks) faces an investigation into his actions and sees his life turned upside down. Oscar winning director Clint Eastwood is behind the camera but attorney at law Anothony (Tony) Schaloub is suing Warner Brothers and Malpaso for plagiarism. Schaloub told the Studio Exec:

This is ridiculous. As soon as I heard the story I knew it sounded familiar and then I pulled up the microfilm from the internet and sure enough there was a pilot called Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger and he did indeed save the lives of many people when he landed his plane in the Hudson River in New York. Tom Hanks even looks like the guy for crying out loud.

But Sully, the real Sully has totally authorized the film and they’ve bought the rights to his life before they even started filming.

Really?

Yes.

Oh that’s different then. That’s probably… they’re probably covered then.

Sully is in cinemas this week.

TOM HANKS TO PLAY STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in a new biopic of Hollywood’s most successful director.

Written and directed by George Lucas, Spielberg will show the growth of the director as an epic tale of a small town kid come good.

The official synopsis reads:

Da Vinci Code star Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition, written and directed by George Lucas. A biopic of the finest movie director since George Lucas, Steven Spielberg charts the rise of the struggling TV director who – having met George Lucas – is mentored in the ways of direction.

Watch how the visionary genius of George Lucas was instrumental in guiding Steven Spielberg to become the legend he is today, while at the same time always covering up his involvement, because George Lucas is probably the most modest person in the entire world. See how George Lucas added the shark to Steven’s first big break movie and changed the name from Amity Island Nights to Jaws. Laugh when you find out Steven Spielberg wanted Indiana Jones to be called Lenny Schmo and be played by Woody Allen. Weep as you witness George Lucas giving Spielberg one of his own kidneys and swearing him to secrecy.

Tom Hanks spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve worked with Steven many times and yet when I read George’s script I couldn’t believe how much I didn’t know about him. I didn’t know for instance that it was Steven who had the idea for the Star Wars prequels and even wrote the scripts. George hated them but made them anyway because he didn’t want to upset his friend. And I didn’t know that actually George directed Raiders while Steven was ill with the flu. Amazing.

Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition will be released in 2018.

EMMA THOMPSON: ‘THE ENGLISH SHOULD DROWN IN SEA OF SH*T’

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winning actress and tireless charity campaigner Emma Thompson today released another scathing attack on her mother country, England.

Emma Thompson last week provoked ire in her own country by calling England a sad little rainy island full of cake. But now she has reportedly doubled down, having heard the outcry that her previous comments caused. She allegedly told the Studio Exec:

The English are a bunch of sad bum faces who should all drown in a sea of their own sh*t that spouts out of their bum faces on the top of their sad bum heads.

But surely…

Sad bum heads with dirty great sad stupid faces that were only put on this earth to be slammed by the big fat swinging buttocks of stupid bum faces.

And cake?

Don’t get me started on their cake. They eat all this cake but it’s cake that’s made of shit and it goes in as shit and then it comes out of the bum faces as double shit.

This is not the first time that the celebrated actress has been in trouble for her outspoken opinions. When making Remains of the Day with Anthony Hopkins, Thompson called the Welsh actor ‘a Welsh bum face’. After Sense and Sensibility, she referred to Kate Winslett as ‘that bum face woman.’ And she more recently described Tom Hanks during the making of Saving Mr. Banks as ‘buttock face’.

Alone in Berlin will be released in 2016.

LIFE NOT LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, TOM HANKS ADMITS

HOLLYWOOD – Today Tom Hanks was forced to admit that life was nothing ‘like a box of chocolates’, finally ending years of hopeless speculation.

Tom Hanks told the Studio Exec in an EXCLUSIVE interview this morning that life was NOT like a box of chocolates despite having claimed the contrary to millions of theater goers and making their lives a living hell as a consequence.

I think you’re exagerating a just a line in a movie and if you look at the movie it is quite clear that Forrest Gump is not being held up as some kind of expert.

Au Contraire! I think we was supposed to think of Gump as a Holy Fool who spoke truth to corrupt society.

That’s your interpretation but…

God damn it Hanks! It isn’t an interpretation, it’s the objective truth.

The objective truth? Now you listen to me Exec, there is no truth that’s as broad as the varied experience of lived existence, the splash of cold water, the running through the rain wet grass, the warmth of the sun on a baby’s face, bicycles, 747 jumbo jets, explosions on the Gaza strip. You can’t constrain that with your cold description and the narrowness of language.

So what are you saying then?

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Because when you get a box of chocolates you know you’re going to get chocolates. It’s internally incoherent. Life could have been described as like a box of chocolates if inside you could get things that weren’t chocolates. Fruit, little bits of stone, the foam of a breaking wave.

Tom, are you okay?

Jesus, this acid is strong.

Just let it break over you. Do you want some orange juice. Get some vitamin c. 

My blood sugar is low give me some candy.

Here. 

Wow. A box of chocolates. If you think about it life is, you know, like a box of chocolates.

Tom Hanks is in Bridge of Spies.

TOM HANKS DELIVERS THE MAIL THIS WEEK

HOLLYWOOD – If you live in Stockton City California, keep your eye out for Tom Hanks who will be delivering the mail all this week.

The Forrest Gump and Bridge of Spies star Tom Hanks will be delivering the mail this week in Stockton City, California as part of the Federal Celebrity Postal Initiative.

Postal worker, Tom Hanks popped round with a special delivery to the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about it:

Ever since I found that student’s ID in the park I was initially pleased. And then afterwards I was really deflated. I felt like ‘Why can’t I do stuff that is useful instead of just pretending to be other people all the time?’ So when I heard about there being an opening in the Stockton Postal service I leaped at the chance to fill in.

So this isn’t a charity thing?

No, I mean I made that bit up because of my publicist and anyway I’m doing a week’s trial and we’ll see how it goes, but I’m pretty confident I can do the job. I mean how hard can it be? I hear they write the addresses on the outside of the letters so all you have to do is find the place and deliver the letter, or the parcel. I hope they don’t have dogs though.

Tom Hanks will be delivering mail all this week.

OUTRAGE AT LACK OF TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES

NEW YORK -Following the premier of his new film Bridge of Spies, Steven Spielberg found himself at the center of a sh*t storm of controversy as it was revealed that beloved Belgian boy-detective Tintin fails to make an appearance in the film.

Steven Spielberg is an undoubtedly a great director, but does the lack of Tintin in Bridge of Spies – which premiered at the New York Film Festival this week – show that he has finally lost his touch. The New York Times asked earnestly in an editorial:

What kind of Tintin film doesn’t feature Tintin? Although as a Cold War court room drama/espionage thriller with a classical hankering for the golden age of the well made film Bridge of Spies most definitely works, fans of Hergé‘s most famous creation are in for a huge disappointment.

Indiewire said that although the previous Tintin film The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn had been something of a misfire, ‘the new film seems to have entirely misunderstood the magic of the original comic books, which has made Tintin such a beloved character across the world.’ However, some (including this reporter) had already pointed out that the trailer also failed to forefront the quiffed one, Snowy and Captain Haddock. Likewise, some have argued that Peter Jackson is now due a Tintin picture a fact that he conveniently forgot when he changed the title of The Adventures of Tintin: The Battle of the Five Armies to The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

Whatever the truth of the matter, the absence of Tintin can only hurt Tom Hanks’ chances of winning another Oscar as the Academy is notorious for punishing Tintin-less movies.

The Adventures of Tintin: Bridge of Spies is on general release.

FIRST LOOK AT MATT DAMON IN CASTAWAY 2

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon takes over from Tom Hanks in his new film Castaway 2: Trip to Mars.

It has been a tough year for Matt Damon. First of all his parents announce they are getting divorced and then he is cruelly snubbed from the new Batman v. Superman movie. However, things are turning for the better in casa Damon as his new film, a sequel to the 90s classic Castaway, looks dead cert to be a massive commercial and critical success.

The synopsis for Castaway 2: Trip to Mars reads:

During a manned mission to Mars, Astronaut Mark Watney is presumed dead after a fierce storm and left behind by his crew. But Watney has survived and finds himself stranded and alone on the hostile planet. With only meager supplies and his loyal friend Wilson, he must draw upon his ingenuity, wit and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal to Earth that he is alive. This is a beautiful sequel and companion piece to the heartwarming Tom Hanks film Castaway: a postmodern Robinson Crusoe – in SPACE.

 Ridley Scott has taken over directing duties from Robert Zemeckis and Andrew Weir has written the novelization.

Castaway 2: Trip to Mars will be released in October 2015.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

HOOCH AND HOOCH LOSES HANKS

HOLLYWOOD – New spin off comedy Hooch and Hooch has lost star Tom Hanks over what is being called by the studio ‘creative differences’.

Turner and Hooch was the best loved dog/cop comedy of July, 1989 and so when rumors of a remake began to circulate – provisionally titled Hooch and Hooch – it was hoped that the original stars could be reunited. Beasley the Dog had sadly passed away and now it looks like comedian turned actor Tom Hanks will also be passing on the project.

A studio insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It isn’t Tom’s fault. He came to the project quite late on. The script had been written and some of the story-boarding too. He has a lot of affection for the original film, but when he read the script he just didn’t think his role was big enough to warrant the time commitment. And so he went and did Bridge of Spies instead.

The synopsis for the film reads:

Hooch is a large sloppery police dog who plays by the book, but his world is about to be turned upside down by his identical twin brother Hooch, a low down street dog. When they both become embroiled in the murder of a local politician mixed up in VIP sex parties and the sale of a corridor of land for a high speed rail link, they must team up to save the day.

The script was written by Nic Pizzolatto and will be directed by Bret Ratner.

Meanwhile James Belushi has confirmed the long-awaited sequel to the second most loved dog/cop comedy of July, 1989 K-9.

Hooch and Hooch will be released in 2017. And K-10 will be released 5 seconds earlier.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

 

NO TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for the new Steven Spielberg film Tintin and the Bridge of Spies doesn’t feature any footage of its hero Tintin.

The Cold War spy saga stars Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance in a tense tale of espionage and fraught danger. On the plus side the CGI is a marked improvement on 2011’s Tintin and The Secret of the Unicorn, with an almost photo-realistic realization of New York and East Berlin and a Tom Hanks who has escaped the uncanny valley that The Polar Express thrust him into. And yet at the same time many Tintin fans were left scratching their heads at the absence of Georges Remi’s famous creation. However, Steven Spielberg in a late night pèhone conversation with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Tintin was being saved for later:

When I was making Jaws, the first time I was showing the rushes to people all they could say is where is the shark, where is the shark. Of course, as everyone knows that was due to the technical difficulties that we had operating the thing, but the effect on the film was enormous and taught me a lesson to this day. Always keep the audience waiting for the star. And so it with our intrepid reporter.

The Adventures of Tintin and the Bridge of Spies will be released in October.

TOY STORY 4 WILL BE LIVE ACTION

HOLLYWOOD – John Lasseter announced yesterday that Toy Story 4, the unwanted sequel to the perfect Toy Story trilogy will be Pixar’s first live action film.

Lasseter spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We are very excited in doing new things at Pixar. A few years ago we wouldn’t have even contemplated doing sequels, with the exception of Toy Story, now it seems like we do nothing but. Anyhoo, in the spirit of wanting to do stuff we’ve never done before I thought: what if we did a live action film?

Will it be the same cast?

Yeah, I mean no. Not really. The idea is that Woody and Buzz are really old now. So I thought we could have Clint Eastwood play Woody and George Clooney could play Buzz Lightyear. After all, he’s got the suit from Gravity already and his voice is exactly the same as Tim Allen’s and let’s face it Tim’s not so easy on the eye. I mean Home Improvement? He could do with some face improvement! Ha ha ha ha. No, that’s not really funny.

What do you say about the reaction many people have had?

That they think Toy Story 4 is a great idea?

Uhm. No. That they think you’re tinkering with perfection.

Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s why I’m doing it.

Come again?

I have been studying the Navajo culture. And they have an idea that really struck me. The idea is that if something is perfect it takes part of your soul. So you have to make sure that anything you create isn’t perfect. There has to be inbuilt imperfection. Well, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and 3 are kind of perfect. And the funny thing is, I feel like my soul has been going. I don’t understand. Ever since I started working for Disney. It’s like it’s being chipped away from inside. So I’m going to make the trilogy an imperfect quadrology.

That’s crazy.

Is it? Francis Ford Coppola’s soul shrank and shrank. Then he made Godfather Part III and boom! You should see the size of his soul now. It’s boggling.

Toy Story 4 will be released in 2017.

MINECRAFT MOVIE WILL BE ‘CLOSE TO THE NOVEL’

HOLLYWOOD – Shawn Levy, the director of the new Minecraft movie, has promised fans of the property that his film will be ‘faithful to the novel’.

Shawn Levy has been tapped to direct the movie which is set to star Tom Hanks (for more on that story click here). He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

When they asked me to sign on for the Minecraft Movie I was honored. I mean I’ve worked and I’ve produced some stuff which I can say in all honesty hasn’t been exactly high art. I mean Night at the Museum, okay, for kids perhaps, but The Internship? I mean Jesus Christ talk about an argument against allowing films to be made. So when they called I was overjoyed. At last a gritty piece of genuine art I can put my teeth into. I first read the novel in college and I was taken by it. Emile Zola has been a guiding light for me and to think I will be bringing his work to the screen is beyond words. Amazing. Oh, there! I found the word.

Emile Zola’s novel Artisinat Mine scandalised France when it was first published in 1892 with its brutal depiction of miners and the poverty they suffered, as well as the sexual freedom of their feral existence. The book was highly influential throughout the twentieth Century and even inspired a little known computer game, known as ‘Minecraft’, which will share the film’s English translation of the original French title.

Shawn Levy is painfully aware of the high stakes which he is now playing for but believes that his film will confound his critics:

Fans of Emile Zola’s work can rest easy. I am going to produce a film which is a credit to his reputation and honors his legacy. And will be at least as good as Date Night, if not slightly better.

Minecraft will be released in 2016.

 

MINECRAFT: THE MOTION PICTURE TO STAR TOM HANKS

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros announced the popular internet game Minecraft is to get its own big screen adaptation and will star Tom Hanks, who is also named as a producer on the movie.

The sandbox indie game was created by Swedish programmer Markus ‘Notch’ Perrson and involves players building things and destroying stuff with blocks of things and stuff.

Tom Hanks spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I’ve been a huge fan of Minecraft ever since the first day it came out. I was there. Playing away solo and then multiplayering and then I even started doing little YouTube videos to explain how to build certain little things I was particularly proud of.

What is the film going to be like?

It will be a live action film. I play Enderman. I can teleport around the biomes and collect stuff to build. I’m protecting like this little village. But there is this Zombie and he’s King of the Spiders and he’s trying to knock my stuff down.  So I have to go and find the magic elixir which will defeat him but when I do that I’m transported to the real world and here I might up with Jaden Smith who is like this star player of Minecraft and we have crazy adventures as I try to get back to my Biome and save the village from the attack of the Zombie king.

Sounds exciting.

Really? Good. Because we were worried it might turn out really dull. You know. Video games and films. And Jesus, Jaden Smith!

Yeah, no, that bit I’d keep quiet about.

Minecraft will be released in 2016.

 

TOM HANKS RELEASES GUMP APP

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks – star of Castaway, Saving Private Ryan and Philadelphia – is also an entrepreneur in the tech sector, developing and selling a brand new Gump App for both iPhone and Android Systems.

The beloved three time Oscar winner told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Jiminey Cricket but I’m excited. This App follows on from the old-fashioned typewriter app which was such a massive success for me. It’s based on the film I did with Robert Zemekis.

Polar Express?

Hell no! The one called Forrest Gump.

Can you tell us about the App?

Sure. What you do is you take any box of chocolates in the world, you pick a chocolate out of the box and then you hold it up to the camera in the phone, and the app identifies the chocolate immediately.

Wow!

Not only does it tell you if the chocolate is a caramel whirl or a strawberry truffle, it also tells you the ingredients, the country from which the chocolate came and how many people have picked it up and then put it back in the box again, for those who get finicky.

So life is…

…no longer like a box of chocolates. You will know what you’re going to get with GumpApp. God Darn it, you just thought up our advertising campaign!

The app – which is called GumpApp – is available from Google Play and the iStore. There is a free version as well as a Pro version which costs $1.49, and which takes away Sally Field’s annoying voice.