RON HOWARD SALO REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – The Ron Howard Salo remake is finally greenlit and is set to star Tom Hanks, Jason Bateman, Jeffrey Tambor and Michael Cera. The Ron Howard Salo remake of the film based on the Marquis de Sade’s controversial story will be a family friendly version and set in Malibu. The Exec sat down with Ron Howard to discuss his latest project.

So, a Ron Howard Salo Remake? Where did that come from?

I’ve always been a fan of Pier Poalo Pasolini’s film. But it also frustrates me. I get the need for a bit of unpleasantness. But making those poor young people eat the you-know-what and have their thing-a-me-bobs pulled off was too much. And keep their clothes on for Christ-sakes. By filming those scenes he lost his PG-13 rating. Do you know how much money that demographic brings in? Shit loads, that’s how much. Paolo was a fool to himself.

How Will Your Version Be Different?

For a start, we’re filming in Malibu. It’s much easier to get A-listers to sign on if you’re filming some place nice and warm by a beach. We’re also taking the setting away from all the Nazi stuff. If we want those PG-13 dollars, we got to set it in a well-loved era. So it’ll be set in the 80s. Picture it, kids on their BMX bikes, fluorescent headbands, Cyndi Lauper on a ghetto blaster and lots of laughs. Instead of Nazi fascists, we got the school board. And they put some kids in detention and make them do hard, but funny and PG-13 friendly tasks. It’ll be a hoot. We’ll get the kids from Stranger Things. They seem popular. Let me write that down.

What About The Rest Of Your Cast?

The adult school board members will be led by Tom Hanks, obviously. Then we got Jason Bateman as the one who secretly sympathizes with the kids. Jeffrey Tambor will be the baddie. The kids will probably end up pushing him into a swimming pool, that’ll show him, hahahah! And finally we have Michael Cera as the leader of the kids.

Isn’t Michael Cera About 35 Now?

Yeah, but who cares. He’s a buddy of mine and has that confused, innocent shtick going on. He aint doing much these days and kids remember him from Super Bad, so win-win.

The Ron Howard Salo Remake Starts Shooting In Malibu Next Spring

ROBERT ZEMECKIS TAXIDERMIA REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – A Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake has been greenlit by Dreamworks and Universal. The 2006 Hungarian surreal, multi-generational horror / comedy will receive a dramatic makeover. It will be shot in the style of The Polar Express, using motion capture and CGI animation. The Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake begins shooting this January.

Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia Remake To Star Guess Who? 

Tom Hanks will star as Brick Bateman, a shy and socially outcast Taxidermist, who looks after his severely obese and embittered father. The film will tell the story of three different generations of men from the Bateman bloodline.

Motion Captcha Coming Right Atcha

Zemeckis will return to using motion capture suits and fully realized CGI environments such as the ones used in his 2004 Christmas hit, The Polar Express. Andy Serkis will don the mo-cap suit to play Mick ‘Guzzler’ Bateman, Hanks’s father in the film. Javier Bardem completes the triumvirate of leading men. He plays Cleetus Bateman, Brick’s amorously challenged grandfather. The Exec caught up with Zemeckis to discuss this unusual choice of project.

Robert, What Made You Choose Taxidermia For Your Next Project?

I remember seeing it and thinking that it was a real sweet tale about love, sporting triumph and family values.

Are You Sure We’re Thinking Of The Same Film?

You betcha. What could be cuter than innocent love in a barn, overcoming adversity to reach the top of your sport and looking after your dear old Pappy?

Don’t You Think It’s A Film About The Darker Sides Of Lust, Greed And Our Own Self-Destructive Natures?

Nope. I think it’s a neat film about caring for animals even after they’ve died. That what Tom likes about it also. We’re going for the family market, so we toned the nudity down a little. But only a little. And by going full CGI, we can really draw the kids into the story. We’re hoping for another Christmas classic. Something the whole family can sit down in front of after a nice, big Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner. Lovely stuff.

The Robert Zemickis Taxidermia Remake Begins Shooting This January

COCOON REBOOT RON HOWARD DIRECTING

HOLLYWOOD – With the announcement there will be a Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard has confirmed he can no longer be bothered with new ideas for films. The Exec caught up with Hollywood’s go to director to discuss his return to the Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard franchise.

 


What gave you the idea for a Cocoon reboot?

Is it really an idea or is it just financial capitulation? I mean, who the fuck can bothered with coming up with new ideas that nobody gives a shit about? The way I see it, I could either make a new film and collaborate with new writers. I could discover a new story that excites me. Engage with new and upcoming actors who can brings fresh and young ideas to the art form.

 

That sounds exciting.

Hang on, I didn’t finish. I could do all that. Or, I could just churn out another rehashed idea from one of my so-called ‘80s classics’. I could throw Tom Hanks in as the lead, because we can do this shit with our eyes closed now. Boom, we make a few mill at the box office. Or easier still, we get those suckers at Netflix or Prime to cough up the dough. We don’t even have to bother doing press tours then.

 

Forgive me for saying, but isn’t that a rather jaded attitude?

I couldn’t give a shit if it is. I’m a multi-millionaire film maker that still wears baseball caps indoors. Do I look like I care? Anyway, Tom Hanks plays some rich old fucker who one day discovers these Cocoons in his pool. He gets in the pool and then BAM! He’s doing cartwheels or some shit like that. We’ll get him to run up and down a giant keyboard that lights up.

 

Isn’t that from Big?

Oh yeah, that’s where it comes from. Fuck it, we’ll say it’s a fun homage. He then becomes involved with a secret, mask-wearing sex cult as he goes through a crisis of confidence in his own marriage.

 

That’s just ripping off Eyes Wide Shut. Surely?

HOMAGE! HOMAGE, HOMAGE, HOMAGE!


The Cocoon reboot starts filming next month.

CHUCK NORRIS ARRESTED

TEXAS – Hollywood is in shock with the news that the FBI have arrested Chuck Norris.

Reports are coming in to the Studio Exec bungalow that federal agents have raided the Texas ranch of Walker Texas Ranger star Chuck Norris. The raid took place at the early hours of this morning, according to sources. Josie McFacepunch – Mr Norris’ personal trainer and self-described buffer – told SE:

The first SWAT team came in with flashbangs and tear gas. Chuck was out of bed and in a flying roundhouse kick, taking five agents out before he landed in his slippers. He then tore a sixth in half and sent the other four running in retreat as he made pancakes. Chuck’s eighty so he has to be careful with the butter and syrup.

You said the first SWAT team?

Yeah, the second team came in, but they never stood a chance because by then Chuck was ready for them. He used kitchen utensils in ways that weren’t only illegal, some of it was frankly obscene.

In the end, the authorities managed to apprehend Mr. Norris when one of the SWAT team asked him to autograph a flak jacket.

Top Dog

Despite early rumors that authorities arrested Norris because of his involvement with the riot in Washington, a spokesperson for the Justice Department denied the rumor.

Mr Norris was arrested this morning in connection with a suit from 1995 launched by Tom Hanks against the film Top Dog. Mr. Hanks has an exclusive right to approve cop/dog movies and Mr. Norris did not have Mr. Hanks approval at the time of shooting the movie.

Tom Hanks was unavailable for comment.

Top Dog 2 is due for release in 2025.

TOM HANKS EATS BABIES

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks (allegedly) eats babies.

What was a rumor has been confirmed in a shocking interview. Tom Hanks eats babies. Hollywood antichrist, Tom Hanks eats babies according to a new interview given by the actor.

Tom Hanks v Jimmy Stewart Deathmatch

The recent revelations came hot on the trail of the latest Twitter-based shit storm. It was widely suggested Hanks is not as good as Jimmy Stewart (whatever the fuck that means). Twitter suddenly exploded with tweets suggesting they weren’t talking enough about Stewart being better than Hanks or that their ‘hot take’ was Tom Hanks has made some movies they didn’t like.

Hanks Admits He Eats Babies

In an interview he gave to radical left wing fake news libtard media website Mumsnet, Hanks admitted the atrocities. ‘Well Denise, that’s a tricky question. I guess I love lots of things in life, puppy dogs, kittens and snow at Christmas time, they are some of my very favorites. But the thing I love very most are babies. I just wanna eat them all up, ya know? Nom, nom, nom. Don’t you just love the way they smell? That new baby smell. I’m a gonna eat them all up.’ At this point it is not confirmed if Hanks was actually eating a baby during the interview.

Forrest Gump Baby Killer

The actor and suspected mass murderer has so far been sickeningly unrepentant since the story broke. ‘Why yes, I said that I love babies. Why? Stop screaming. I can’t understand you.’ boasted the extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile Hanks.

Toy Story… OF DEATH

Religious extremist Hanks, who’s probably Jewish, Muslim or one of them crazy Indian ones, has been worming his way into our children’s consciousness for years by playing ‘loveable’ cowboy Woody in the Toy Story series of films. It is no coincidence that cowboys were responsible for the deaths of millions of Native Americans, which has led to the tired plot line for thousands of Stephen King books.

Hanks To Play Sex Fiend Gepetto

Hanks is due to next appear in Robert Zemeckis’s new version of Pinocchio, where he will play Gepetto, a man who makes sex toys for distribution on the dark web.

TOM HANKS TO STAR IN COBRA REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Tom Hanks is to star in a remake of Cobra.

Tom Hanks plans to star in a remake of Sylvester Stallone’s 1988 action movie Cobra. The Castaway star told the Studio Exec that it represented a dream project for him.

I’ve always loved Sly and all his movies. When I was starting out, he was the actor I most looked up to. I kinda modelled my career on his. For instance when I did Forrest Gump, I completely based it on Rocky. The Terminal is Rambo without the explosions. And of course Dragnet was influenced by Cobra. I didn’t watch Sly’s movies: I studied them.

In Cobra Hanks plays Lieutenant Marion Cobretti, a member of the elite Zombie squad. When Los Angeles is terrorized by a White Supremacist group, the LAPD call in Cobretti – codenamed  Cobra – to help clean the streets.

Most of the time I play a liberal, nice guy. The Jimmy Stewart role. But here’s the interesting thing. When I met Jimmy Stewart we got to talking about our favourite actors. His was Jimmy Cagney. And suddenly it made sense that mine was Sly.

We asked how this cop from the 80s will fare in today’s society.

That’s what made me decide the time was ripe. With Black Lives Matter and a time of increased racial tension, we need liberals to be more aggressive. As Michelle Obama once said when they go lower, you dig a tunnel under them a blow them to the f*cking sky.

So the police brutality…?

We’re taking police brutality and using it against fascists. And anyone who doesn’t like it can suck my Da Vinci Code.

Cobra will be released in 2022.

NICOLAS CAGE AND TOM HANKS REVEAL THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON

HOLLYWOOD – Nicolas Cage revealed today that he is also Tom Hanks.

The news rocked the world of show business today that Tom Hanks and Nicolas Cage are in fact one and the same person. The star of Con Air and Philadelphia announced the news via Tumblr.

For many years I have lived a lie. A part of my life I dedicated to making top class entertainment, and with the rest of it I was Tom Hanks. Initially I intended Hanks to be a short term project, but as I found to my astonishment success in films like Big and Forest Gump, I decided to continue. At times the workload reached unbelievable and almost unbearable proportions. I appeared in over twenty films in one year and then I had to do the Tom Hanks ones as well. Add to this TV appearances and having to be a father and husband and you can imagine the strain.

I shall continue to be Tom Hanks in the future, but I have decided that I can no longer keep up the pretense that I am actually two people when I am one. Cage. I’d also point out that I used no make up or wigs, or any other subterfuge beyond answering to a different name. It frankly baffled me that no one noticed.

Nicolas Cage
Tom Hanks

Seasoned Cage watcher Valeria Ahem told the Studio Exec:

This was coming for years. Anyone who’s watched Cage knew there were gaps of several hours when a new film wasn’t coming out. What was he doing in those missing minutes? Theories abounded and now we know.

Nicolas Cage is appearing in Toy Story 4.

GUILLERMO DEL TORO PREPS SPLASH 2

HOLLYWOOD – Guillermo del Toro announced his next film will be Splash 2.

Following The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro will pursue the life aquatic with a sequel to the 1984 comedy Splash. The original Ron Howard comedy starred Tom Hanks as a young man who falls in love with mermaid Daryl Hannah who is literally a fish out of water.

Guillermo came into the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the movie:

I love the original Splash and I wanted to do something with it. I talked with both Daryl and Tom. They agreed that revisiting their roles would be an essential part of the new movie. As it happened, I had written a script when I was a film student in Mexico and with some modification we’ll use that.

What’s the story?

If you recall at the end of Splash, Allan – Tom’s character – dived into the water so that he’d live with Madison the mermaid for the rest of his life. We take up with them again. But now with the pollution and the plastic bags, the oceans are no longer a healthy place to be. Allan is actually fading, he’s got cancer.

Oh no.

So they swim up the river and once more take to land. They cross America, stopping at motels and lakes. They’re pursued by mad scientists and an oil company baron who wants to use Madison as a logo for his company. It’s a sad tale about mortality and old age. It’s also about the road not taken as Allan rediscovers a reality that he has never known because of his time in the water.

Wow.

Yeah, I know. It’s like On Golden Pond meets Midnight Run.

It sounds great. 

Yeah, Tom and Daryl and I are really excited. Ultimately, it’s an opportunity to look at the America through the eyes of people who have been missing from the 80s. There’s humor and adventure and all that, as well.

Splash 2 is set for 2019.

COUNTDOWN TO OSCARS 2019 BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 91st Academy Awards (also known popularly as the Oscars) begins.

Sunday sees Jimmy Kimmel host the 90th Academy Awards but here at the Studio Exec we’re already looking forward to the next edition.

We spoke with resident Oscar expert Oscar Isaac:

The 91st edition of the Academy Awards look like being the most competitive ever. A real make or break year. Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks are joined in the acting categories by Sting and Kevin James in what has turned out to be a genuinely surprising year. The new Tarantino movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood might see the famed director get his hands on a Best Picture for the first time. Though some claim that his killing of Leonardo di Caprio might go against him.

He killed di Caprio?

To be fair, Quentin didn’t force him to fly that helicopter in Mexico.

Jesus.

Woody Allen’s collaboration with Roman Polanski – Thank God for Little Girls – was the surprise entrant in the Foreign Language category, his first French language film where it’ll compete with Michael Haneke’s Eine Kliene Nacht Musik – which translates as You Are All a Bunch of Shitting Bastards. As for Best Picture, Guillermo del Toro must certainly be in the running with his Splash reboot and George Lucas for Button Pants. There’s also bound to be the now traditional mix up at the end. Hashtag hilarious.

Thanks Oscar.

That’s fine Exec.

The Oscars are on Sunday.

THE POST – REVIEW

THE POST – REVIEW – All the President’s Men gets a prequel.

Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks star in a Steven Spielberg film about the Washington Post and the publication of the Pentagon Papers during the Nixon presidency. This should be nailed on Oscar glory and guaranteed quality all the way through. Not to mention with the Trump war on Fake News and the Free Press, there’s an urgency to getting this right. And yet… and yet…

It seems as if an air of complacency set in somewhere around the story conference stage. There’s very little drama here. There’s precious little politics. And although Spielberg is obviously in love with the thingness of things – heavy telephones, newsprint and hair cream – the period doesn’t even fell right. It feels more fifties than seventies.

Part of the problem is that everything is centered around Streep as the publisher and owner of the paper. This sucks the drama from the picture. There’s no David and Goliath here. It’s more Goliath and a smaller Goliath with huge Maggie Thatcher hair and a series of night gowns. Christ almighty, can we get Meryl out of the night gowns for just five seconds please!?

Tom Hanks walks around like white bread made flesh. And all the events of great moment come down to a simple decision made by someone very rich who might become slightly less rich. And lose a couple of her politician friends.

Obviously, it’s unfair to compare the film to All the President’s Men, except the film actually does it itself.

So let’s just say it’s shitter than All the President’s Men.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

TOM HANKS ACCUSED OF INAPPROPRIATE BALL TOUCHING

HOLLYWOOD – Co-star accuses Tom Hanks of inappropriate behaviour.

The Hollywood Reporter is the first to break the news of the latest allegations of sexual misconduct against an actor. This time, it’s Tom Hanks.

A production assistant on the set of CASTAWAY claims Hanks, on more than one occasion, would caress and stroke his co-star, the volleyball named “Wilson”, in situations that went far beyond what was needed for a scene.

“We’d all just be there, watching,” claimed the unnamed production assistant, “and, Mr. Hanks would just, like, have his hands all over Wilson. We’d all read the script, and we all knew it wasn’t right.”

In light of the allegations, Wilson has released a short statement on Twitter, “shm ppl knew what happened. said nuthin then. now come out. thx for support. hanging by thread but #blessed. will b ok.”

Hanks is not commenting on the allegations. However, they are both set to appear at this years Golden Globes ceremony, where Hanks is nominated for his work in THE POST.

More as this story develops. THE POST is in theatres now.

TOM HANKS ACCUSED OF HAVING LOVING SEX WITH HIS WIFE

HOLLYWOOD – Reports accuse Tom Hanks of having ‘loving sex with his wife’.

Allegations today surfaced that Tom Hanks has over a number of years had ‘loving sex with his wife’. The New Yorker published a story by Ronan Farrow claiming that the Castaway and Saving Private Ryan has on numerous occasions exposed himself to his wife and they have engaged in mutually consensual and surprisingly kinky sex fun.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Farrow stated:

Hanks has traded for years on his wholesome image of Hollywood’s Mr. Nice, but now we are getting a totally different image of a man who regularly gets into bed with a woman who he is married to and – following an appropriate period of foreplay – puts his penis – HIS PENIS – inside her. Some of these incidents result in ejaculation.

Many have expressed support and solidarity for Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks’ wife.

Farrow said:

Rita has dealt with a long period of systematic conjugal relations. And you have to remember that is with the guy who was in Dragnet and Splash.

Tom Hanks issued a statement.

All these stories are true.

Tom Hanks will appear next in The Caravaggio Code.

REVIEW – HIDDEN FIGURES

REVIEW – HIDDEN FIGURES – Waiting to Exhale meets The Right Stuff.

We’ve all got used tot he images of NASA over the years. Buzz cut aw shucks heroes like Sam Shepherd, Tom Hanks and Dennis Quaid – blasting off into space and the only maths you hear is 5-4-3-2-1. And the only black faces you see are… well you don’t see any.

Octavia Spencer plays Dorothy Vaughan, the leader of a section of computers – this was when computers were actually people who did the math. Janelle Monáe is Mary Jackson, the sassy engineer. Taraji P Henson plays Katherine Johnson, promoted to a role in the Space Task Group. She is essential for sending John Glenn into orbit as part of the Mercury program. They have to deal with the hard sums, but also the institutional racism and the snidey snips of Kirsten Dunst, among others.

Taken from Margot Lee Shetterly’s book Hidden Figures is a great watch for Black History Month. A reminder of the contribution Afro-Americans have made and how that contribution has been systematically erased. The only problem with the movie is that to make the struggle against racism familiar, the actual history is twisted. Desegregation took place at NASA three years before the film even begins in 1961. And the various promotions and achievements also don’t tally with the chronology. This allows Kevin Costner to be a white knight and Dunst to have a learning curve. But there is uplift and not only from the launchpads. A timely reminder of how much we can do when we work together.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

HIDDEN GEMS: 18. BAMBI

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week Bambi. You’re welcome.

Of course we all know that cartoons can’t be films. Not really. Those assholes at Pixar have tried to convince us otherwise. But we all know. That thing with Tom Hanks’ voice isn’t really. Ity’s just a picture. And so it goes. Before Pixar there was a studio called Disney started by Walt Disney, a guy famous for being not too keen on the Jews. But when he wasn’t not liking the Jews he was also busy drawing pictures of shit. One day he’d been trying to draw a mouse but kept fucking up the hand, not getting the right number of fingers. He knocked the whole pile off the desk and as they fell to the floor he noticed that the different pictures fluttering in sequence looked like motion. ‘Money!’ he shouted.

Bambi was one of his first movies and nobody has ever seen, but it is really worth hunting down. Oh, shit that’s actually not appropriate given…

So, Bambi tells the story of a deer, like the animal, growing up in the forest. His friendships with the other animals, evading the dangers of fire and hunters, dealing with parental death and it’s for kids. I know a cartoon about animals. No wonder it flopped. The film is beautiful to look at and really moving. Years later Michael Cimino was to remake it but from the perspective of the hunters. His film was a disaster because he tacked on a load of stuff about the Vietnam War. Disney disowned it in the end.

So Bambi. Give it a chance. Not bad.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.