OBLIVION: REVIEW

OBLIVION: REVIEW – There are starving children in the world.

 
Families living below the poverty line not knowing where their next Happy Meal is coming from.
The 120 million dollars it cost to make Oblivion could have been spent on vaccinating an entire African country against malaria or buying everyone in Cyprus a copy of Wall Street on DVD.
 
Joseph Kosinski and Universal decided to spend the cash on a giant, festering turd.
 
Some of you will undoubtedly crave explanation and in depth analysis of why the movie is so excremental but I’m not going to do that. I want to forget I ever ventured into the theatre and spent two precious hours of my life baring witness to the abomination.
 
The best I can do is to implore you not to see it. Don’t even spend another second of your life thinking about it. If you were all geared up to spend cash on a ticket, then why not use that money to do a bit of good. Save a whale, adopt a leper. Pop a $10 note in the cap of that one armed busker who plays a fiddle with his teeth on the subway. Better to spend your hard earned cash on the chance of a fluffy cloud in heaven, than on an ass numbing seat in the bubbling bowels of cinematic hell.

JUSTIN BIEBER USED AS A SKIN HEAD MASCOT

LONDON – In a week of Justin Bieber related news Studio Exec have heard further rumors that the young Master Bieber has been ‘recruited’ by a skin head gang who ‘carry him around like a doll’ and use him as a mascot before they listen to Oi music and get into fights.

Friend and former skin head mascot Elijah ‘Frodo’ Wood sympathized with Bieber:

Once these people get hold of you there’s nothing you can do to get away. They always choose small celebrities and basically kidnap them and sometimes they arrange for tea parties with rival gangs. Do you think I wanted to make Green Street?   

Tom Cruise was also kidnapped and used as a mascot and some say he is still undergoing the ordeal even today, but we couldn’t possibly understand what people mean by that. Earlier today in London Master Bieber sought help from a passing photo-journalist but was bundled into a car before the ‘paparazzo’ could help. From the photographs it is clear Master Bieber is distraught and has been forced to wear a golf club warmer. ‘That’s part of the tradition,’ said Wood. ‘It humiliates the mascot and stops him from escaping.’

‘Please help me photo-journalist!’

HUGH GRANT BUILDS HUGE WOODEN TEMPLE TO HIMSELF

CAMBRIDGE – Hugh Grant – media activist, friend to the tabloids and ‘actor’ – has announced plans to build a huge wooden temple dedicated to the worship of himself.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star will start construction on the massive project in the Spring following the passing of planning permission by the Gloucester County Council. 

The temple is based on an Inca temple where human sacrifices regularly took place. Mr. Grant – star of such films as Sirens and Nine Months – said that he wasn’t planning on sacrificing anybody, ‘although there are a few photographers I’ll happily murder p’ha, p’ha, mmmmmm!’

The news comes as part of a disturbing trend of Hollywood actors turning themselves into objects of fervent devotion. Already the Church of the Latter Day Randy Quaids has grown exponentially and is now the biggest religion in the world surpassing more traditional covenants such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
‘It is mainly based on his role in Kingpin,’ said church elder, Charlie Bread.
Tom Cruise – a famous actor – also decided that he wanted to set the record straight about Scientology which many regard as a dangerous cult.
‘It is a dangerous cult,’ he said.
Grant in the meantime denies.

OUTRAGE OVER MINI MAGIC MIKE

LOS ANGELES – Today the Modern Shire Mini Coalition or MSMC held a press conference regarding the filming of director Victor Salva’s sequel to the 2012 film Magic Mike, currently titled Mini Magic Mike. Spearheaded by Elijah Wood, the group fights for the rights of little people across the nation.


“It’s just sick, what they’re doing,” said Wood. “To expose little people in such a way is degrading. We expect to be treated like anyone else.”


Members of URSPESHUL, a content group consisting of middle aged soccer moms working together with the MPAA were also present. It was they who first brought the film to Wood’s attention after a test screening. Annie Gorgenshertz, the founder of the group, was red-faced as she spoke: “They look like little children! America has to protect it’s children. It is obviously not a priority of Hollywood, it makes us sick that a studio would finance such a film. The great Jack Valenti must be rolling in his grave.”
Steven Soderburgh, ‘director’, declined the sequel. The studio then called in Victor Salva, whose credits include Clownhouse, the Disney-financed Powder, and a prison play entitled Tito’s Cambodian Adventure. We caught up with him at a local McDonald’s: “Well… I can understand some of their points, they do have meaty little hands.” he sipped his Coke and continued: “I am telling a story here, an emotional story.” 

The film’s star Verne Troyer spat: “Children? I’m a grown man! And screw Elijah! He just wishes he looked as good in ass-less chaps as I do!”

The film will co-star Warwick Davis, and a rumored cameo by Tom Cruise. It is currently set for a Summer 2014 release.

UNIVERSAL CELEBRATION: JACK REACHER SEQUEL ‘WILL NOT GO AHEAD’

HOLLYWOOD – Spontaneous parties broke out everywhere, enmity was forgotten and fierce enemies became the fastest of friends, Muslim and Jew, Sikh and Hindu, Christians and Richard Dawkins were all united in a festival of friendship and understanding as Paramount released a statement saying it was unlikely that the planned sequel to Jack Reacher would go ahead.

The Syrian civil war for a moment paused in its blood shed, the first time it had done so since the announcement of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reuniting late last year.

The only people not celebrating were members of the ‘Church’ of ‘Scientology’, who saw in the underwhelming performance of the Lee Child adaptation the meddling of Xenu and modern psycho-pharmacology.

‘I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,’ said Ali Dachou, returning from the funeral of his whole family who had been killed by a drone attack on the Pakistan border. ‘Things are bad but at least I won’t have to put up with anymore of Mr Cruise’s posturing.’

Werner Herzog also expressed joy. ‘Hopefully the film will be buried in a very deep box and forgotten about,’ the Austrian director hissed, who had a role in the film as the villain.