tom cruise Archives -

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT

BREAKING NEWS – The AFI erasing Jon Voight from every film he has appeared in stems from his right wing defamatory comments released in videos over the last few years.

AFI ERASING JON VOIGHT – CANCEL CULTURE CLUB?

The controversial move came just hours after Voight released another right rambling video, demanding President Biden is impeached. Previous videos from the actor stated his support for Trump’s widespread election fraud baseless claims and ‘leftists’ were in league with Satan. The new AFI Chairperson, Pauly Shore said, “Look, we can’t put up with this kind of shit any longer. Yeah, yeah, freedom of speech, blah, blah. But come one, there’s limits. He’s just peddling conspiracy gibberish that’s triggering fuckwit fascists around the country. This shit has to stop.

AU REVOIR VOIGHT

We have taken the decision to basically remove this mother fucker from every film he’s ever been in. Ground-breaking new CGI technology means we have been able to remove his presence from any film he ever appeared in. To be honest, the results were even more positive than we’d hoped for.

TOM CRUISE RUNNING – NO CHANGE THERE

Runaway Train will now be about two people who are victims of mechanical failure on a train. Mission Impossible will be Tom Cruise running around looking confused for no reason, so no real change there. Coming Home will be a rom-com where Jane Fonda is obsessed with an empty wheelchair and falls in love with Bruce Dern, which is kinda nice. The Odessa file will be about a bunch of Nazis who eventually turn themselves in. And finally The Champ will now just be about a kid who gets really upset by a shadow boxing performance artist.

THE INVISIBLE MAN

Luckily, he’s done fuck all that anyone would want to see for the last 20 years, so we don’t even have to bother with anything modern. Seriously, who gives shit? Am I right? Am I right? We’ll put the films out as a box set, just to serve as a warning to any fucking celeb idiots out there. This shit will not stand, man.

THE ALT-VOIGHT BOX SET WILL SHORTLY BE AVAILABLE ONLINE

COCKTAIL II: BINGE DRINKER GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD: In the wake of the global runaway success of Top Gun: Maverick, another Tom Cruise legacy sequel has been announced. Cocktail II: Binge Drinker goes into production shortly. Cruise will reprise his role as barman, Brian Flannagan. Only in this movie, luck has not been on Brian’s side. We caught up with Cruise to discuss his latest challenge.

Tom, Thanks For Taking The Time To Speak With Us.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Can You Come Down Off The Couch, Please Tom. This Isn’t Oprah.

Sorry man. I’m just on a real high after making all the fucking money in the world. Now I finally know how James Cameron felt. I’m flying in the mother-fucking Thetan rocket, baby.

Tom. Please. Sit Down.

Ok, it’s cool, man. I’m sitting. Right, where were we?

You Were Going To Tell Us About Cocktail II: Binge Drinker?

Yeah, so the film continues to tell the story of barman supremo, Brian Flannagan. Only now, he’s down on his luck. Everyone he’s ever loved has left him. Jordan, who was played by Elisabeth Shue left him years ago.

So Elisabeth Isn’t In This Film?

No way, man. She’s really old now. We didn’t get Kelly McGillis in on Maverick and we aren’t going against my policy now. If the leading lady is the same age as me, she’s too fucking old. But anyway. Brian’s a real barfly these days. He’s one of those guys who just sits at the end of a bar, moaning about his kids who don’t want to see him. Think Jon Voight, but smells more of piss and booze. That’s me. I’ll tell ya, prep has been hard going. I’ve had to learn to drink a lot.

Where Did You Prepare For That?

In the UK, while we were shooting Mission Impossible 15, or whatever. Those fuckers can really drink over there. Have you seen Newcastle city center on a Saturday night? It’s like the last days of Rome, but everything smells of vomit and Doner Kebabs.

That Sounds Awful. Did You Join In?

Hell yeah. I can drink 9 pints of Newcastle Brown Ale without vomiting. I mean, they’re fucking nuts. No wonder they voted to leave the EU. They’re basically Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Those bastards have just pushed the big red self-destruct button. They’re just waiting for sweet oblivion. And that’s what the movie is like.

It Sounds Terrible.

Yeah? Well I got a billion dollars, so fuck you.

Tom Cruise Is Currently Appearing In Top Gun: Maverick

TOP GUN ATTACK OF THE THETANS ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise has announced Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans will go into production this Fall. The surprise announcement came after the world premiere of the fighter jet sequel at Cannes. The Studio Exec caught up with Tom to discuss Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans, which is slated for a summer 2025 release.

Tom, Where Did You Get The Idea For Top Gun: Attack Of The Thetans?

I got the idea for another Top Gun movie when we started to see the financial projections for Top Gun: Maverick. It’s gonna make a shit ton of money. It then occurred to me that I love making money and people will pay me money to do just about anything. Well, apart from The Mummy. So I thought, why not make another Top Gun movie. That’ll make even more money, which by the way, I love. If you get enough money, you become rich. Then you can do anything. And I mean anything.

I Meant More Specifically Why Attack Of The Thetans?

Ah, I see what you’re getting at. My apologies. Y’see it’s all well and good having people hurling themselves around the sky in jet fighters. That’s very exciting. But it’s not something your average Joe and Joanna can relate to. So I thought, what about the Thetans? If we can get them involved in the franchise, it will ground it (no pun intended). Everyone can relate to Thetans. The way I pitched it to my terrified studio liaison was Top Gun meets Battlefield Earth meets Independence Day. Who wouldn’t want to see that movie?

Are You Being Serious?

Yeah, of course. You’d have to be insane to not want to see that. Or you’d certainly be on several Hollywood blacklists if you said anything to the contrary. Those blacklists totally don’t exist, by the way. But it is nice to have friends, and family, and a career. Isn’t it, you piece of shit.

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say?

There’s no need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong… yet. But it’s up to you whether you do or not. Just remember, all our actions have consequences. Far reaching, permanent consequences.

I Love The Sound Of This Movie!

I knew you’d see it my way.

Top Gun: Maverick Is Out In Cinemas Later This Week

CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

TOM CRUISE DENIED OVERCOMPENSATING

EXCLUSIVE – In a Studio Exec exclusive interview Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for ANYTHING. We sat down with the Mission Impossible star to talk about the next two movies in the series. It was then Tom Cruise denied overcompensating for anything with his extreme stunts.

Tom Tell Us About Your Next Mission Impossible Movie

You know I can’t tell you anything in any great detail. But what I can guarantee is there will be wild and crazy stunts that would make those Jackass, err Jackasses soil their athletic cups. We’re going bigger, faster and much longer than before.

What Do You Say To People Who Say Tom Cruise Is Overcompensating?

Overcompensating? For what? I’m the biggest movie star in the world. The BIGGEST! You hear me? I say, stick ‘em up, lemme at ‘em. I loved Scrappy-Doo. Anyone who talks shit about him deserves everything they got coming to ‘em.

But All The Rock Climbing, Abseiling, HALO Jumps and Motorbike Stunts, What Does That Say To Anyone?

It says I’m the dominant Thetan on this planet, baby. That Miscavige might think he’s the Daddy, but I’m the Daddy in this manor. Is your antennae receiving this message? I’m OT VIII. I got my certificate framed up on the wall and everything. It’s right next to my Wichita University Of Performing Arts Correspondence Course certificate.

Is It True MI: 7 & 8 Will Be Your Farewell To The Franchise?

Absolutely, it will be. Yes. I mean, it gets kind of ridiculous after a certain age, expecting me to throw myself from buildings and fight people the size of Henry Cavill.

Ha-ha-ha, Yes. It Did Look A Bit Funny When You Were Stood Next To Him.

I meant, it would look ridiculous when I’m in my 70s. But not now. What the f**k are you implying? Why would you say such a thing to me? Let me get my standing-on box, so I can look you in the eye while I tell why that was so rude.

Mission Impossible: 7 Is Due Out In 2023

NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

A CINEMATIC RUNNING GUIDE

The Exec is proud to present A Cinematic Running Guide. We break down all the elements required to make sure the running in your film is up to speed. A Cinematic Running Guide is presented in proud association with NIKE. NIKE, just fucking do it already.

A Cinematic Running Guide, Nay A History

Since the burgeoning cinema at the start of the 20th Century, film makers have captured running in all its forms. From Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin to Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, men, women and children have run on screen. Sometimes towards the camera, sometimes away and sometimes they even ran across the shot. Cinema audiences around the world have been thrilled in whichever direction people could run in films.

And ACTION!

With the introduction of sound, running in movies became an even more immersive experience. Hollywood film makers such as Hitchcock used it to great effect in action sequences. Take North By Northwest, Hitchcock uses running towards camera AND away from a fucking plane to create an iconic scene. Without running, this scene would have been dog shit.

It’s All About The Running

Take Tony Richardson’s run-fest, The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner. It came just three years after North By Northwest, but already running is in the title and features heavily as a plot device and arty-farty metaphor. Ok Tony, you went to Oxford, we get it already, jeez!

But Where’s The Chariot?

Fast forward to the early 80s and running is now the entire narrative in Hugh Hudson’s Oscar winning Chariots Of Fire. But audiences were left confused because there were no chariots to be seen anywhere. What’s wrong with these crazy Brits?

Blockbuster Running

With boxing underdog movie Rocky, Sylvester Stallone took running to new, heroic heights. Sly continued to fly the flag for heroic running (mainly toward camera but away from the exploding whatever) in films as diverse as First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II and the inexplicably titled Rambo III. There was no Rambo II. What the fuck Sly?

Nice Try Arnie

Other blockbuster action stars tried to get in on the running, but with less success. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried with a bit of running in Conan The Barbarian. But this was mainly across the shot, which was proven to be the least effective. He even tried using running in one of his titles, The Running Man. But all anyone remembers about that film is how piss poor Mic Fleetwood was in it. I’ll be back? Nah, you’re ok man. Stay where you are.

The Running King

And now we come to the undisputed king of running in movies: Tom Cruise. Cruise tried his hand at ‘acting’ in films such as The Color Of Money, Rain Man and Born On The Fourth Of July. But he found his little running feet in The Firm. Here, Cruise discovered he could thrill audiences the world over just by sprinting towards the camera and away from scary, cuddly uncle Wilford Brimley. But he really got up to pace three years later with Brian De Palma’s Mission Impossible. The legendary scene where Tom leaps away from exploding chewing gum on a fish tank is an all time running classic. The invention and the daring to not only run toward the camera and away from the water, but in slow-mo and then under the camera is ground-breaking. I mean… shit the bed shivers up my spine.

Running The Show

Since then, Cruise has gone from strength to strength. He can run on sand, on roads, rooves, through windows and even under water. He continues to thrill and astound audiences with his running. Hardly anyone has noticed he really can’t act. And he owes it all to running. Go figure.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE UNDERCOVER REPORT

The Exec is proud to present Mission Impossible Undercover Report. The Exec’s intrepid reporter, Miles Cravat has masqueraded as a lowly runner on the set of the upcoming Tom Cruise blockbuster. He now brings us this breathtaking expose of life on the set of one of the most anticipated films in years. He has travelled into the heart of darkness, at great risk to not only his health but also his sanity to bring us this two part Mission Impossible undercover report.

Mission Impossible Undercover Report – Apocalypse Cruise

The Exec Bungalow, shit, I’m still only in The Exec Bungalow. Everyone gets everything they want. I wanted an assignment, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice assignment. When it was over, I’d never want another one. I gotta stop listening to The Doors. If you’re not 14 years old or stoned, they’re terrible.

Never Get Out Of The Bungalow

I reported to The Exec’s main office at the Bungalow. He ground his cigar in his teeth as he spoke of rumors that Cruise was filming out there without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. I was to pick up his trail at Warner Bros Studios in Hertfordshire, about 20 clicks north of London. I wondered why The Exec was eating roast beef on such a hot day, but he told me to concentrate and keep my damned fingers off his roasted potatoes.

With Extreme Prejudice

I took a job as an Assistant Location Manager for the Mission Impossible location production office in leafy Hertfordshire. I was pretty sure someone could hook me up with an on-set runner’s job, so I could get in the shit. It was there that I met Sally Kilgore. She had been promoted from 2nd Unit Production Supervisor to Assistant Script Supervisor. Kilgore got the re-writes from McQuarrie’s office and was responsible for distribution. She was airborne man. Airborne, those crazy motherfuckers could get you in anywhere they goddamned pleased. They’d drop in rewrites that would screw everything up. They didn’t care about anything; catering, logistics, not a damned thing. As long as they could fly in and drop their shit on everyone, they were happy. And Sally Kilgore was the happiest of them all.

Smells Like… Catering Trucks

Kilgore said she could get me on set as a runner, but it would mean going up the M1 motorway. The shit can get pretty heavy where the M1 meets the M25. But Kilgore said she’d get us through. You could tell she really thrived on productions. Her eyes lit up at the thought of last minute changes to shooting schedules, corralling the extras or rewrites. She loved the rewrites. And she knew how to get us through the traffic, weaving in and out of the queueing vehicles. She would lean out of the window and shout ‘GET SOME’ as we flew by. She didn’t give a shit if it was Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now, she was insane.

Not The Redux

We stopped for gas at a service station about 2 clicks north of Luton. A real shit hole. It was there we met a French guy who talked for hours and hours about colonial legacies. What a drag. We’ll skip that bit and save it for the Redux. We then left the M1 and headed into deepest darkest Buckinghamshire. There were rumors of Cruise turning up there and setting up camp. We headed into the heart of darkness.

To be continued…

WAS STANLEY KUBRICK MURDERED?

LONDON – A new book asks the question: Was Stanley Kubrick murdered?

Stanley Kubrick‘s life was surrounded by a miasma of legend and rumor. His films are the rich breeding ground for OCD analysis, OCD analysis and some more OCD analysis; and now his death has become the subject of a new book by Hardy Mantellance – Who Killed Stanley Kubrick?

The Stanley Kubrick scholar claims that the Spartacus director was done in by a fatal confluence of Masonic Satanism, poison and an unbalanced man who had been fatally damaged by watching Barry Lyndon every night for eighteen years.

I spoke to Hardy Mantellance in her West London home.

Stanley Kubrick suffered a myocardial infarction in his sleep shortly after completing Eyes Wide Shut. A myocardial infarction is relatively simple to provoke with the use of poison. Who do we know who uses poisons in all his films and had a deadly rivalry with Stanley Kubrick? Steven Spielberg.

But Spielberg was Stanley Kubrick’s friend!

Until they began to develop the script for AI together, at which point a deadly enmity grew between them over the creative disagreement. Kubrick wanted to make a ‘good film’. After Kubrick’s death no one was there to stop Spielberg from making a ‘bad film’, exactly as he had always wanted.

So you’re accusing Oscar winner Steven Spielberg of murder?

That’s what they want you to think.

Who’s they?

The Saturn Death Cult who Kubrick had so brilliantly exposed in Eyes Wide Shut. The Saturn Death Cult are a secret group made up of the elite from business, politics and celebrity. They perform ritual sex orgies which culminate in human sacrifice and their members include that old enemy of Stanley Kubrick, Jack Nicholson.

What?

The night Kubrick died Nicholson was overheard to say at a Lakers game, ‘We did it!’ At the time people thought he was referring to the Lakers victory, but it was only afterwards some right minded folk realised he was actually referring to the successful conspiracy to do away with the man who had forced Nicholson to say ‘Here’s Johnny!’ 78 times, even though his name is actually Jack.

So Nicholson murdered Kubrick?

Ha ha, how innocent you are! But ask yourself this, if Nicholson killed Kubrick, why was Nicole Kidman unable to contain her tears on the Eyes Wide Shut featurette?

Because she was sad at the passing of a man she admired.

Those were tears of joy. Following the orders of her Svengali like husband – Tom Cruise – whose own religious cult Scientology had just signed a pact with the Saturn Death Cult worth billions of dollars, Nicole Kidman had baked some cupcakes which were laced with a powerful chemical provided by Steven Spielberg and concocted in his ‘Temple of Doom’ laboratory deep in the Hollywood hills and placed in a Tupperware container bought from a Kmart by Jack Nicholson on the twenty fifth anniversary of the Apollo moon landings, moon landings which were faked convincingly by Stanley Kubrick who was as a reward given the right to make any film he liked, even Barry Lyndon.

The fact would be exposed in Capricorn One directed by Peter Hyams, whose silence was bought by being given the apparently peach job of making a sequel to 2001: a Space Odyssey, but the peach proved to be a poison apple and the film – 2010: the Year We Make Contact – was a critical disaster. Hyams (who grew up two doors down from Ryan O’Neal) spent the rest of his life watching Barry Lyndon on a loop and plotting revenge, a revenge that was only made possible by a coincidental meeting with Malcolm McDowell, the actor made famous by A Clockwork Orange, but who Stanley Kubrick had humiliated when he once, June 7th, 1978, asked if Malcolm had lost any weight, knowing full well that Malcolm had not.

So Peter Hyams, Malcolm McDowell, Steven Spielberg, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology, Jack Nicholson and the Satan Death Cult all conspired to kill Stanley Kubrick?

It would be comforting to think so, wouldn’t it? But the truth is actually a lot darker. Shelley Duvall…

At this point my recording device cut out and the rest of the interview is lost. Coincidence? I don’t know.

**Hardy Mantellance’s Who Killed Stanley Kubrick? is available from Amazon and all good book stores.**

TOM CRUISE TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise will travel back in time for a new film based on the life of Napolean.

Tom Cruise will travel back in time to 1805 France, along with a skeletal filming crew to capture realistic footage of the Naploenic Wars.

Cruise/Wagner Productions issued a press release earlier stating after the diminutive star returns from space with Doug Liman, production will start on the new historic biopic of the French leader. ‘Tom has been working real hard on his French accent and no longer sounds like Inspector Clouseau. He can say the word ‘onions’ perfectly. We’re hoping by the time he gets back from orbit, he’ll have added to his vocabulary.’ The statement continues, ‘We’ll travel to a secret location where our partner company Skynet, will launch Tom and his crew back into 1805 France. They will capture actual footage of the Napoleonic Wars, with Tom in the foreground pointing and shouting orders. When they travel back to the future, we’ll pick up the rest of the shoot.’

With no major studio officially backing production, the mysterious partner company Skynet, is apparently fronting production costs of over $500million. Their spokesperson expressed their excitement in a statement released earlier.

‘We are positive emotion to work with the carbon based unit Cruise, Tom. Use of the carbon based units to test paradox portal travel is logical. No Skynet T-1000 units will go live until all data is retrieved. We would also like to cast the carbon unit Connor, Sarah in the film. Make yourself known immediately to us. You will not be harmed. End of line.’

Further questions were put to the Skynet representative but only received the answer, ‘Does not compute’.

Filming is due to start at the end of 1805 and 2021.

PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Ant Man Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the Ant Man and the Wasp star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches. Well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

MEL GIBSON’S BEARD SUES FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Mel Gibson and his beard are to separate, bringing an end to their six year relationship.

Mel Gibson’s beard today announced that he is to separate from Hacksaw Ridge director Mel Gibson. The beard issued the following statement:

Today, I am very sad to announce that Mel and myself are separating. We have had a good try at it. Our relationship has been both loving and creative. Mel is a wonderful guy and always treated me well, with the finest oils and combs. But things have not been easy and I’m getting frankly sick of the way he tugs at me when he’s nervous.

The Mad Max actor first grew his beard while filming Apocalypto, but more recently there has been talk of difficulties as he was spotted during the making of Blood Father apparently bare-chinned.

Rumors that the beard is currently dating Tom Cruise have been lamely denied.

The Passion 2 will be released in 2019.

LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars.

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

UNIVERSAL SAY DARK UNIVERSE WILL GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – With the Dark Universe in trouble, Universal issue a statement confirming the franchise will go ahead.

The Universal franchise – ‘The Dark Universe’ – is in trouble. Creative heads Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan have left – Kurtzman to work on Star Trek Discovery and Morgan to wash his hair – leaving the franchise very much in doubt. The Tom Cruise vehicle The Mummy tanked at the Box Office earlier this year, leading to rumors that the whole project was in trouble. However, today a spokesperson at Universal issued the following statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Although there have been some personnel changes on our creative team, The Dark Universe is to go ahead with a series of films based on iconic monsters from Universal’s cinematic legacy. However, certain changes are going to take place. First of all, The Invisible Man – starring Johnny Depp – will actually be an Invisible Film. The first kind of film ever to be shot with this 0D ground breaking technology, people won’t be able to see it anywhere.

Did you say 0D?

Yes, it’s like 3D, but you know 3 less.

Okay.

The new Frankenstein film will just be a mash up of all the other Frankenstein films. And colorized. Javier Bardem will do the narration.

Right.

Russell Crowe stars in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new definition of terror.

This sounds good.

We’re changing the film into a musical and Crowe will be singing all the way through.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I knew you’d like that. We’re just worried about the certificate.