MICHAEL BAY TO RETIRE

HOLLYWOOD – The world of film was rocked today as the genius behind such films as Pearl Harbor and Pain and Gain – Michael Bay – announced that Transformers 4: Age of Extinction will be his last film as a director.

He explained his motives for taking early retirement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s partly the pressure and the relentless criticism. People see me as this arrogant blow hard who just doesn’t care, but I do care. I read all my reviews and I have to say it hurts. I care about making quality films and it has finally dawned on me that – although it’s been very difficult to admit – I’m just not as good at it as I want to be. I’m never going to make a Tokyo Story or a Last Year at Marienbad for instance. Understanding this and being in the financial position that I’m fortunately in, I’ve decided to quit while I still have time to pursue other interests.

Such as?

I really want to write a novel. I’ve been toying with loads of ideas and I think I’m ready to put pen to paper. I’d also be interested in painting.

Painting?

I know. It’s wild, isn’t it? At first I thought, I’ll never be able to paint but then I came across these kits you can buy. The canvas is already drawn for you and there are numbers in each part which correspond to the correct color. It’s all about the application.

Michael Bay will still continue to work as a producer but he says he will increasingly hands off.

I really don’t want to be around film people any more. I have my novel to write.

Can you tell us more about the novel?

I don’t want to talk it out but it’s basically autobiographical. About a misunderstood genius who has a fear of public speaking and who withdraws from the public spotlight. I can give you the title.

Go on.

It’s called Armageddon Out of Here.

Transformers Age of Extinction will still be released.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.