CAMERON ANNOUNCES TITANIC 2, 3, 4 & 5

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.

Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?

As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.

It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?

Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.

If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.

No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.

Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.

Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.

These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-

 

This Interview Is Over.

Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO COLONOSCOPY NFT FLOP

HOLLYWOOD – As news breaks of the Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT prices flopping, it has led many to speculate the bottom has fallen out of the market. The auction held at Christie’s of the Leonardo DiCaprio colonoscopy NFTs was expected to fetch exorbitant prices. But even the most revealing shots went for only ‘a couple of bucks a piece’ according to a Christie’s spokesperson.

Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT Going Cheap

Auction goers were shocked to see hardly any interest in the NFTs of the Inception and Titanic star. An insider told The Exec, ‘It was meant to be a chance for DiCaprio’s fans the world around to get to know him inside out. In an ideal world, he would want all his young fans to know him this well personally. But there’s only so much of Leo to go around. That’s why we were so shocked when nobody paid through the ass for his ass.’

WTF Is A NFT?

For those of you who are behind with the times or just too poor to care and have actual problems to deal with, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Token. It pretty much means it’s a unique piece of digital macguffinary, a whodgiemaflip and flibberty-gibbert. It’s temporarily better than a Bitcoin because trust fund idiots will pay a great deal more for them. Or at least they did until now.

DiCaprio’s Ass Bubble Digitally Bursts

With DiCaprio’s colonoscopy NFTs failing to raise any interest and more importantly, money for the star, many are speculating this digital bubble has burst. Like Bitcoins, Celebrity Nudes and Tamagotchis, these once treasured digital phenomena have been consigned to the tech scrapheap. Nobody gives a digital shit anymore.

Return Of DiCap

But this latest setback isn’t deterring Hollywood from trying to squeeze every last digital dime out of us salivating canine consumers yet. DiCaprio’s people have just announced a new line of HFTs – Highly-Fungible Tokens. These will be pieces of digital art you and your billionaire buddies will be able to buy, at a premium, of course. They will then only exist for a very short time before they self-destruct. And cue the Lalo Schifrin Mission Impossible theme.

DiCaprio’s HFTs Will Be Available Online Shortly

LEONARDO DICAPRIO BUYS MOON

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Moon.

Departed and Revenant star Leonardo DiCaprio bought the Moon yesterday.

In a statement issued by DiCaprio’s agent, the actor declared the following:

As a lifelong conservationist, I have watched with despair as the natural beauties of our planet have been despoiled by corporations and individuals. The new Trump administration is only the latest in a long line of politicians who have preferred to put short term political goals before the survival of other species and the eco-system.

As a consequence, I have decided to buy the Moon. I have sole property rights now and will be going there to live in the next decade or so. And no one else is going to be invited. You can all fuck off. I’m going to have a moon base and a very powerful telescope so I can watch the rest of you assholes drowning in the rising oceans, or fighting bloody wars over shrinking resources. I might let Jim Cameron visit. He says he wants to visit the Sea of Tranquility. The asshole thinks it’s an actual sea.

God, he’s dumb.

NASA have said that they sold DiCaprio the Moon last Tuesday by accident, when one of their employees put it on eBay.

Leonardo DiCaprio will next appear in Space 1999: The Motion Picture.

JAMES CAMERON CALLED SEXIST AFTER CLAIMING WONDER WOMAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE FEMINIST

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Titanic director, James Cameron received widespread criticism after claiming Wonder Woman should have been more feminist.

It’s an odd state of affairs. On the one hand, it looks like mansplaining on a Titanic scale, which has seen James Cameron thrown into an Abyss of opprobrium. But the actual comments he made seemed like a valid response. He stated in an interview with British newspaper The Guardian:

All of the self-congratulatory back-patting Hollywood’s been doing over Wonder Woman has been so misguided. She’s an objectified icon, and it’s just male Hollywood doing the same old thing! I’m not saying I didn’t like the movie but, to me, it’s a step backwards. Sarah Connor was not a beauty icon. She was strong, she was troubled, she was a terrible mother, and she earned the respect of the audience through pure grit.

As galling as it can be to have an older geezer telling a female director what she should have done with a female character, her response talks more about how the audience – specifically women – react to the character, rather than the depiction of the character herself. Here it is in full:

patty Jenkins

Audience react to it, so it must be good is an argument, but it isn’t necessarily a strong one. I loved Wonder Woman and I think it still had problems. Ultimately, there’s always going to be debate about objectification of female characters which often comes down to intention and literally point of view. The male gaze stuff isn’t as popular as it once was, as a theory. And here we should note that a Marvel comic book movie isn’t some auteur-led vision of the director alone.  So all this is just to say we shouldn’t shut down debate quite so quickly. We’re not Aliens, snapping about like Piranhas, waiting for some Judgement Day to come. We’re human beings try to work out how best to deal with each other via the Avatar of art.

James Cameron will release Avatar 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 subsequently.

TOP SPIELBERG FILMS BILLY ZANE-D BY JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the new trend that is taking over Hollywood and all of Steven Spielberg’s films have now been Billy Zane-d.

To Zane a movie is to digitally insert Billy Zane into a film in order to ‘heighten dramatic tension.’ The first Zaned movie was Titanic. What many people don’t know about James Cameron’s 1997 disaster movie is that Billy Zane was never actually a regular member of the cast. The film had been shot in its entirety but test screenings showed that audiences found the boat v iceberg story less than gripping.

James Cameron takes up the story:

The unsinkable ship versus the immovable obstacle: the iceberg! We thought we had the whole kit and shebang, but it turned out that audiences needed more dramatic tension. Who knew? So we digitally inserted Billy Zane in the role of Cal and we gave him a gun. Just to make the Titanic seem a little more dangerous.

Billy Zane has been introduced into every Steven Spielberg film by James Cameron using ‘Avatar’ technology. Cameron told the Studio Exec:

Jaws will be much scarier with Zane on the boat, conspiring to steal diamonds. And imagine how creepy Duel is now that Zane is driving the truck. And Schindler’s List! You thought the Nazis were bad but here comes Zane with a small pistol and a thin mustache.

The Zaned Steven Spielberg collection will be available on Blu-Ray in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO SELL VERY SMALL HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has put his extremely small Malibu mansion on the market with a listing of $56 million.

Leonardo diCaprio bought the house following his success in the film Titanic and it has long been associated with crazy parties featuring the A-list of Hollywood stars and celebrities hanging out. A neighbor spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

When Leo moved in he had only just begun to come to prominence and so he could walk down the street and we’d see him in the grocery store on a Sunday buying eggs and cucumbers, but with fame it was strange to see how he changed. Loud music at all hours and the sound of wild animals like hyenas and tigers roaring. Late at night we could hear whale song as well. And this on a school night. It comes as no surprise to me that he has decided that the house is too small. I mean, if you look at the house it’s kind of obvious that a normal sized person just can’t fit in there.

Although the asking price reflects the deluxe lifestyle of the area, many believe the price is way too high. Hollywood realtor Jersey Fanamel disagrees, telling the Studio Exec:

Leo’s house is a part of Hollywood history. In the immediate postwar there was a real backlash against extravagant movie star lifestyle, and so many purchased these mini-houses as a way of showing how humble they were. In reality no one ever lived in them. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall had a house that was only 3 square meters. In the nineties however the market for these houses as curiosity pieces suddenly exploded and it became very chic not only to own one but to actually live in it. Tom Cruise has a series of them and he sleeps in a different one every night.

Anyone wishing to contact Leonardo diCaprio to make an offer should write him an email at StudioExec1@gmail.com and we will forward it to him.

JAMES CAMERON TO SCRIPT CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON 2

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar genius James Cameron is to script the sequel to Ang Lee’s hit kung-fu movie: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon 2.

The Titanic director, who is currently hard at work on Avatar 2 and 3, took time out of his busy schedule to talk EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his work on the project:

I’m very good friends with Ang Lee ever since on the eve of my expedition to the bottom of the Mariana Trench he sent me a good luck card with a picture of Nemo from the movie Finding Nemo. And inside he wrote ‘I hope you find your Nemo!’ It was really one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever received. I mean I don’t have a lot of friends.

How did that lead to you working on the script?

Well, I got to thinking about the film when we watched the original over Christmas last year and so I wrote a spec sequel. This is something I often do. That’s how I got the original job on Aliens. I wrote the script and just gave it to Walter Hill. And I got the gig. Before that I wrote a prequel to Jaws. My version is called Jaw.

What happens in the film?

It is essentially similar to the first film in that a sword is stolen and the hero and his longtime friend, who he wants to be his girlfriend, but who he can’t because he’s like a monk or something, anyway they have to retrieve the stolen sword. But in this movie we decided to repair what I saw as an essential flaw in Ang’s version. We’re going to actually have Dragons and Tigers and loads of them. Sure they’ll be some crouching and some hiding, but in Ang Lee’s version there was so much hiding I didn’t even see the Goddamn dragon. And I can only assume the tiger was crouching behind the dragon!

Crouching Tigers Hidden Dragons will be released in 2016.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 26. JAMES CAMERON

MARIANA TRENCH – Deep beneath the Ocean, I caught up with the visionary genius and Captain Nemo wannabe James Cameron to discuss his latest projects and eat a hearty breakfast of plankton and krill. 

So James, I suppose we should first talk about the Avatar sequels. Is it true that you’ve written three scripts simultaneously?

Yes that is true.

Wow.

Well, it’s not like I think about them that much. Or write characters or such.

Oh I see. 

Though I was hurt about a lot of the criticism I got, after the first film. People were saying that the first Avatar was basically Dances with Wolves crossed with the Blue Man Theater group.

 That was preposterous.

And inaccurate. It was obviously Pocahontas and The Smurfs

Oh, yeah absolutely. What can we expect this time around?

We’re going to see a lot more of the planet. And there’s going to be some fabulous creatures and adventures and I want it to be more political. The Na’vi are going to be ethnically cleansed basically.

That sounds quite heavy.

No, don’t worry. When I made Titanic everyone was saying, ‘Jesus Christ Jimmy! Three thousand people died’. But I was like don’t worry, the way I do it, it’ll look like fun. And it certainly did.

Finally can we have a few words about the new Terminator. 

Of course. My role is going to be decidedly a back seat one. 

So you’re producing. 

No I’m sitting in the backseat of my limo while my agent runs into the studio to collect my fifteen percent. 

 For more Breakfasts with Assholes CLICK HERE!

JAMES CAMERON PREPS TITANICS

HOLLYWOOD – During an AMA on Reddit James Cameron, genius submarine driver, revealed that he is working on a spin off from his Oscar busting commercial success Titanic.

The Abyss director and ‘King of the World’ (TM James Cameron)  declared:

The new film will be a prequel – naturally – and will be based entirely on Billy Zane’s character. I don’t think a day has gone by without someone saying to me: ‘but what about Caledon ‘Cal’ Hockley? What was his life like following the Titanic disaster and maybe even before?’ So we decided to answer those questions.

The Terminator 2: Day of Judgement brain face continued:

 My idea was very simple. What if Cal was struck by huge remorse at having betrayed his notion of honor and escaped the sinking ship. He’s made a vast fortune and although we might have given away something in the script about him killing himself, he actually fakes his death so he can use the money he’s squirreled away to build two brand new Titanics. That’s the title by the way. I always come up with the title first and then try to fit the story into the title and that’s often a challenge. Anyhow unbeknownst to Cal, on the maiden voyages of the Titanics, the Atlantic Ocean has something in store for them – two icebergs – which the arrogant captains are rushing towards believing (mistakenly) that their ships are unsinkables.

Internet speculation has been explosive as to whether Cameron is serious or whether he is telling True Lies.

Titanics will be released in 2031.