PETER JACKSON WAKES UP AND REMEMBERS HE’S GOT A TINTIN FILM TO MAKE

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson – director of King Kong, The Lovely Bones and the entire contents of JRR Tolkien’s head – awoke in a cold sweat with the realization he still has a Tintin movie to make.

Peter Jackson turned to his wife (Fran Walsh or Philippa Boyens I can never remember) and gasped. ‘Shit, I’ve just remembered I promised Steven Spielberg I’d direct the second Tintin film.’

Jackson told reporters:

My wife mumbled something like “Go back to sleep, you can do it in the morning.” To be honest I don’t think she was really awake. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. How was I going to find out what my deadline with Steven was without letting him know that I’d forgotten all about it.

Fortunately, Jackson’s muse and house boy Andy Serkis was awake in the garage. ‘It looked like he was trying to get out off a glass box, which confused me,’ said Jackson. ‘There isn’t a glass box in the garage. And then I realized, it was his physical theater that had created the illusion.’ 

Jackson explained his problem to Serkis and the Gollum star was already half into his motion capture suit.

Serkis said:

I must obey Peter. He has my children.

The two men started to work and by ten o’clock when Jackson’s wife finally emerged from her slumber, they had the first two acts in pre-visualized: ‘Only seven more to go,’ said a clearly relieved Jackson.

Tintin and the Something Something will be out in 2022.

PETER JACKSON TO FILM WARLOCK OF FIRETOP MOUNTAIN

NEW ZEALAND – TinTin and Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson announced he would be turning the Fighting fantasy book warlock of Firetop Mountain into a film.

Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec that he would adapt Warlock of Firetop Mountain, a role playing adventure book written by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingston.

In an EXCLUSIVE interview, he told the Exec:

When we were making Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit we had a ton of input from the fans. We encouraged this with our blogs and video shorts. But I always felt frustrated that we didn’t take it further. What would it be like if the fans themselves could decide the movie they were goign to see? Make the decisions instead of the characters? Or better still become the characters? Then I remembered all the Fighting Fantasy books I read in the 80s and the idea came to me.

How will the film differ from the book?

Not at all. There’ll be a scene and then when a crucial decision comes up, the audience will push buttons on the arms of their chairs and the majority will win and that’ll be the decision. Fight or run, left or right, open the box or have steamy sexy with the cave troll.

They’ll always…

… have sex with the cave troll. Yes, that is true. I should rethink that. Of course, the film will take longer to watch because of these pauses and when ever there’s a fight there will also be a lot of dice rolling.

So how long?

A day. We’re thinking a day.

Is this a new franchise then?

There are a bunch of Fighting Fantasy books by Ian Livingston and Steve Jackson so it really could be.

And I wanted to ask if TinTin is…

Bye.

The Warlock of Firetop Mountain will be released in 2018.

 

OUTRAGE AT LACK OF TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES

NEW YORK -Following the premier of his new film Bridge of Spies, Steven Spielberg found himself at the center of a sh*t storm of controversy as it was revealed that beloved Belgian boy-detective Tintin fails to make an appearance in the film.

Steven Spielberg is an undoubtedly a great director, but does the lack of Tintin in Bridge of Spies – which premiered at the New York Film Festival this week – show that he has finally lost his touch. The New York Times asked earnestly in an editorial:

What kind of Tintin film doesn’t feature Tintin? Although as a Cold War court room drama/espionage thriller with a classical hankering for the golden age of the well made film Bridge of Spies most definitely works, fans of Hergé‘s most famous creation are in for a huge disappointment.

Indiewire said that although the previous Tintin film The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn had been something of a misfire, ‘the new film seems to have entirely misunderstood the magic of the original comic books, which has made Tintin such a beloved character across the world.’ However, some (including this reporter) had already pointed out that the trailer also failed to forefront the quiffed one, Snowy and Captain Haddock. Likewise, some have argued that Peter Jackson is now due a Tintin picture a fact that he conveniently forgot when he changed the title of The Adventures of Tintin: The Battle of the Five Armies to The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

Whatever the truth of the matter, the absence of Tintin can only hurt Tom Hanks’ chances of winning another Oscar as the Academy is notorious for punishing Tintin-less movies.

The Adventures of Tintin: Bridge of Spies is on general release.

NO TINTIN IN BRIDGE OF SPIES TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for the new Steven Spielberg film Tintin and the Bridge of Spies doesn’t feature any footage of its hero Tintin.

The Cold War spy saga stars Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance in a tense tale of espionage and fraught danger. On the plus side the CGI is a marked improvement on 2011’s Tintin and The Secret of the Unicorn, with an almost photo-realistic realization of New York and East Berlin and a Tom Hanks who has escaped the uncanny valley that The Polar Express thrust him into. And yet at the same time many Tintin fans were left scratching their heads at the absence of Georges Remi’s famous creation. However, Steven Spielberg in a late night pèhone conversation with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Tintin was being saved for later:

When I was making Jaws, the first time I was showing the rushes to people all they could say is where is the shark, where is the shark. Of course, as everyone knows that was due to the technical difficulties that we had operating the thing, but the effect on the film was enormous and taught me a lesson to this day. Always keep the audience waiting for the star. And so it with our intrepid reporter.

The Adventures of Tintin and the Bridge of Spies will be released in October.

PETER JACKSON CANCELS THE HOBBIT SEQUELS.

 WELLINGTON – After the underwhelming response to part one of The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson has confirmed to the Studio Exec that he is cancelling the remaining two parts with immediate effect.

We caught up with Jackson in his Wellington office to ask why he is abandoning the project.
 
Mr Jackson. Why have you decided to cease production on The Hobbit?
Oh it’s just so boring. I was about to film another bloody walking through the woods scene when I thought, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers and I stopped all the cameras and sent everyone home.’
 
That sounds like a rash move. Surely you are under obligation to show people who saw the first film what happens next?
If they want to know what happens next then they can go down to the library and borrow the book. It’s only short, you could read it on the toilet in one sitting.
 
So why did you decide to make a trilogy. Why not condense it into one long feature?
 
That’s what I wanted to do but the studio decided it could triple the box office and after I pissed a load of money up the wall making The Lovely Bones, they had me by the balls.
 
So what’s changed. Surely you’ve signed a contract to produce three films?

I did and I have no doubt this is going to ruin me me both professionally and financially but if it’s a choice between that and spending another minute looking at Martin Freeman’s hamster face. I’d rather be broke and unemployable.

What about the next installment of the TinTin series. Aren’t you signed on to direct?
I was but the studio fired me. I hear Guy Richie is doing it now. TinTin and the Cockney Slags I believe it’s called.
 
And what next for you?
I’m going to sell everything I own and remake The Lovely Bones. I want to get it right this time.
 
Sounds like a bold move. How will it differ from your first attempt.
I’m going back to basics. This time I’m going to do it all on hand held camera with puppets and there will be a graphic 30 minute molestation and murder scene. It’s going to make A Serbian Filmlook like The Little Mermaid.
Exciting stuff. Thanks for the interview.