INACCURATE MOVIE REVIEW – A QUIET PLACE

The INACCURATE MOVIE REVIEW ensures movies are not spoilt by getting everything wrong about them: A Quiet Place.

Steve Carell – the star of TV’s Parks and Recreation – stars in a knockabout comedy. Instead of being quiet, it’ll have you laughing as loudly as you can.

The 1970s and America is coming to terms with the post-Watergate paranoia. Carell and real life wife Tina Fey play Ernie and Esther, a middle aged couple who live in the city with their dogs and blind son: Georgie. Chris Pratt from The Office plays Georgie very movingly.

When aliens invade, the world is turned upside down. But Ernie’s ability to amuse the aliens with his hilarious shadow puppetry means he distracts the aliens while Esther and Georgie escape. Unfortunately, the aliens see Georgie’s luminous stick – they can’t hear him because they are deaf – and they eat him up. Blood everywhere. Jeez, like something out of the Farrelly brothers films, which isn’t surprising as they directed this.

Eric finds that the aliens have very keen eyesight – they spotted Georgie’s stick after all, which wasn’t THAT luminous – and he uses this against them by shining the torch from his phone into his eyes. At this point the film could end because we know how Eric and Esther will defeat the aliens, but the film insists on showing us them killing every single alien with torches from their phones.

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PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

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5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – It’s The Golden Globes this Sunday and so the Studio Exec FACT squad has kicked into gear to issue you with five FACTS about the mysterious and little known award ceremony and what it means for you.

1. No one gives a shit about The Golden Globes.

2. The name for the Golden Globes was originally taken from the first draft of Russ Meyer’s unmade James Bond film. In the film, 007 does combat with a villain who is endowed with a massive pair of Golden Testicles. This was changed to a penis and from thence to a finger. Mike Myers later claimed that one of his films was inspired by Meyers’ unmade masterpiece. Which one? That’s right, Wayne’s World

3. Kevin James has never won a Golden Globe. Or an Oscar. But he will win both. And when he does the seventh seal will be broken.

4. When Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes there was a distinct danger they could become entertaining. Thankfully, he has since been removed.

 5. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association pretend to host the Golden Globes, but really the Globes are run by a Masonic Cult with connections to a British Actor’s Ex-Pat club popularly known as the Jolly Bastards. The Jolly Bastards have allegedly committed a series of crimes – including murder, abduction, drug smuggling and animal cruelty – though no charges have ever been leveled because of their sophisticated accents and dry self-deprecating sense of humor. Hugh Laurie is the present president and denies everything glibly.  

 The Golden Globes will be broadcasting live at 5 pm PT and 8pm ET on NBC.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TELL THE OSCARS TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES

HOLLYWOOD – In what was a stunning turn of events, a drunken Golden Globes turned up outside the Dolby Theater in the early hours of this morning shouting that the Oscars ‘can go f*ck themselves and the horse they rode in on.’

A clearly inebriated Tina Fey and Amy Poehler joined in the heckling and bad behavior, and, in outlandish scenes, started to throw their shoes at the theater. The Oscars – accompanied by a distraught looking Ellen DeGeneres – appeared at a window and called down that the Golden Globes should perhaps calm down and go home, if they know what’s good for them. The Globes replied, ‘Are you threatening us?’ and began to urinate on the steps outside the theater goaded on by Poehler and Fey, at which point the Oscars told Ellen to call 911.
However, officers called to the scene found an emotional Globes telling Ellen how much they love her, and peace once more restored. No charges were pressed. 

This incident is only the latest in an on-going feud between the two awards ceremonies which dates back to 1964 and what was called the Cleopatra fracas. On one occasion – in 1972 – the Golden Globes ordered five tons of horse manure  to be delivered to the then Kodak Theater during the ceremony, an act of vandalism defused by host David Niven’s wonderfully witty line ‘That’s a lot of dung!’ On another and partly in retaliation, the Golden Globes was disrupted by Ricky Gervais who impersonated a host for two years running at the instigation of the Academy Awards. 

The Golden Globes are currently sleeping it off.
  

FIRST PICS FROM PAUL RUDD AND TINA FEY’S NEKROMANTIC

BERLIN – The first still was released today from Paul Rudd and Tina Fey’s new sure-fire hit comedy: the American remake of controversial snuff movie Nekromantic.

The original film was released in 1987 and – with its scenes of graphic violence, gore and sexual perversion – was immediately banned, censored or otherwise repressed in a number of countries including director Jorg Buttgereit’s native Germany. Tina Fey said, ‘I love the original and – though it’s a departure from what audiences are used to seeing from us – I think they’ll be turned on in ways they’ll probably have to deny.’

The official synopsis for the new film reads:

Meet Rob (Paul Rudd), a sanitary worker, employed by a company specializing in picking up corpses found in public places. Rob and his ditzy girlfriend Betty (Tina Fey) however enjoy having sex with the corpses Rob manages to steal from work. Things are going along nicely until the arrival of Jerry, a particularly attractive suicide that cause Betty and Rob to flip their lids, to hilarious consequences.  

‘Our version is a lot lighter than the original,’ said Paul Rudd. ‘But we kept in the scenes of animal torture because that was fundamental to the plot.’

Director Paul Weitz – responsible for such works of art as American Pie and American Pie 2 –  joked that the studio thought they were making some ‘lame ass comedy called Admission. We knew we would never get green lit for this, so we went ahead and did it anyway.’

‘The important thing is to keep making new decisions and doing original work,’ said Tina Fey.

So Nekromantic 2?

She laughs. ‘Definitely,’ she says.


Nekromantic will be out on the 22nd of March, 2017.